I feel so emotional.
I feel sad and confused and lonely and worried and a little empty.
But at least I don't feel angry or overly frustrated or scared.
I want to get better. I want to exercise and eat healthy food that tastes good. I want to work and make money and buy people things and make other people smile. I want to be a better friend. I want to be reliable. I need a journal made specifically for depressed people or kids with a learning disability, where I can just check off how I am feeling and fill in blanks to complete sentences. I want to record my thoughts but not be worried about grammar of whether my thoughts "flow" properly. I don't want to worry about when I should start a new paragraph.
I want things to be easier. I want help getting better, but I'm ashamed and don't want to ask for help. And who would I even ask? Who would it be appropriate to ask? And sometimes my head hurts just thinking about how to explain to someone what kind of help I need. And I would likely feel guilty getting help from anyone because they all have other things to do with their time. I don't want to be another chore.
He shouldn't have to take care of me. He doesn't like "babysitting".
That sounds like it is coming out of nowhere. I was really depressed one night and told him I wanted a drug to make me feel happy and he said I should take "E" (of course he wasn't serious) but he mentioned that he wouldn't want to do that with me because he doesn't like having to "babysit" someone who is on drugs cause it "ruins" it for him. That made me so fucking sad. It was a pointless conversation because there is no way either of us is going to do that but him saying that, even talking about something completely hypothetical sucked. I wanted to tell him I never asked him to babysit me and that he could just fuck off for suggesting that I would be this pain in ass destroying his "high".
He was basically telling me that in a certain situation I would be a royal pain in the ass. And even though it would never happen it made me feel ashamed. He made me feel guilty and ashamed of something I didn't do and would never do. How messed up is that?
This has become just a series of ramblings and that is enough for now.
