This is pointless

I am hoping that maybe I can start a thought record here to help me learn how to deal with my depression and recently diagnosed ADHD. But considering how little I get done on a daily basis and the fact that I have never been able to consistently keep a journal of any kind, it might not happen. Guess we'll see.

Hold Me

I want him to follow me just so I can tell him to go away. I could imagine it's because I want to know he cares, but I already know he does.

I want attention. I want to feel in control. Right now, I feel completely powerless. But it's not as if he is taking advantage of me; he never could. I just push myself to do what I think he wants, sometimes to the point of feeling lost and used. I try to make him take more than he should or would ever want to.

I want to be used. I want someone to take my life and combine it with theirs, so that I can't even tell myself apart. Maybe I think that would make me okay. Maybe I think that giving all of yourself proves you love someone.

I just feel so empty. I want to be filled up with him, even if it means losing myself in the process.