I decided to give math one last try. I couldn't get myself to click on that "drop course" button and essentially give up on my dream to teach. But I don't know if I can pass. I had counted out the days until my next test and figured that, since I am only taking one course, as long as I could do about 5 hours of work every single day and catch up, I could do it.

For the first week I managed to do something every day. But it wasn't enough. I'd do maybe 2 hours, with lots of breaks in between, and then it would seem late and I didn't think I could focus anymore. I started getting behind on my own "catch-up" plan. I adjusted my plan, then completely abandoned it because I kept having to scratch out the work I had planned for the next day, since I hadn't finished today's.

I have 23 days to get ready for the next test. I probably have 200 hours worth of studying to do. So I have to spend about 9 hours a day doing incredibly difficult problems that I would normally have a full week to work on. I don't have enough time. I wish I could at least skip the stuff that won't be on the test, but that would be like trying to learn to subtract before learning to add. The stuff on the test is literally the stuff from the last test (which I didn't write) in reverse.

I could not bother writing the test, but then I would fail the course if I got anything less than a 68 on the exam. Considering how difficult the course is that is a big chance to take.

I am actually more likely to fail than to pass, but it's better that I see this through to the end. By May I will know if I have any chance of pursuing a degree in math, any chance of becoming a teacher. If I don't pass I have no idea what I'll do with my life. I think I'll really stop caring.