I feel sick every day. I keep dreaming, hopefully, that I will get hit by a car or a plane will land on my house. It would be so nice if it was all just over.

Most people in their twenties are making many plans for the future. Some are applying to grad school. Some have just finished college and are looking for their first real job. Some are already working, saving money to move out on their own, buy a car or a house. Some are getting married and thinking about starting a family, or worrying about how to best take care of the family they already have. They have become adults and they are making a life for themselves. It's shocking how far away I am from all that.

I'm living day to day and it all seems to be in slow motion. While others rush around to deal with their responsibilities and run towards their goals, I don't have any plans, any destination. I have the remnants of past goals in the back of my mind -a career, a beautiful home, a partner and children- but I no longer truly expect to have any of these things. I don't expect happiness, so I don't bother trying desperately to grasp for it. Fighting for things out of my reach will just make this pointless existence even more unbearable.

Every day is the same now. I get out of bed when I can't sleep anymore. I study to fill my head with something other than despair, to help me get through the day. I keep up the appearance that I'm actually working towards something and that I have some purpose. I help my family with daily tasks. I avoid talking to anyone who might provoke me to talk about my life, what my "plans" for the future are. I just try to make every day as painless as possible.

I know I will never have the life I wanted. I will never be a normal adult who has the luxury of struggling to decide where to live, how to discipline their children, and whether or not they can afford a new tv. I have to focus on the small things I have; the sun shining in on me through the window, a good book to lose myself in, a father who will take care of me likely until I need to take care of him. I wish I could sleep through the next sixty years and have it all be over with, but instead I will just keep trying to go to sleep, wake up, and get through each day.