night

when I lay down to go to sleep, I get this awful lonely, empty feeling and feel too afraid to close my eyes.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

i wish i had someone to talk to who didn't drive me crazy. but i'm crazy, so everyone does.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

saturday

I'm disgusted by all of us. We're so messy, selfish and irresponsible. We create chaos. I wish I could escape myself.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

thursday

I fell in love with him all over again today. I'd forgotten. He understands me. I love being with him.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

waiting

some days it feels like I'm just waiting impatiently for death.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

wednesday

I keep hoping I have some fatal disease.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

monday

It's never going to stop hurting. Every single day is painful.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

No more

I am overwhelmed by basic daily tasks. I can't handle life. It all just hurts too much.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

No one sees how happy he makes me. So I have no one to talk to when it's hard. They'd say "it's not worth this much stress".

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Sent from my Fido Phone

I realize that unless I change drastically, it would be selfish, but sometimes I just really want a baby. I want his baby.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

no more

I want to forget myself, all my dreams and hopes and shortcomings and failures. None of it matters. It only hurts.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

I hate myself.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

kill me

I wish I could erase my existence. I want to be swallowed up, disappear into darkness. I need it to end.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

sigh

Phone hasn't been working, this might not send. If I can't make it work with him nothing ever will.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

I passed

It feels so surreal.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

Enough Killing Time

My life is always too focused on a "him".

I once asked vegan-control-freak which seat he preferred on the subway. He admitted he liked to sit next to me with the wall on my other side, so that no one else could sit next to me. This didn't sound bad at the time. I wonder if I liked the possessiveness. I wonder if I felt safe and protected in the bubble of being "his". I've always had this stupid desire to have someone take care of me; make it all better. I need to stand on my own two feet. I need to take care of myself, be capable of independence.

From now on every day has to be about school. Everything else is secondary.

I haven't written in over a month, and all I want to say is in the first line of my last post.

I am alone.

I am alone.

I've done it to myself. I've been terrified for so long that half the time I don't even realize that it is fear. An old boyfriend once gave me a book about dealing with fear and I glared at him and said that although I've been depressed I'm not afraid. But that is a lie.

I don't write often because I expect people will judge what I write. I'm ashamed of the imperfection of every sentence. My thoughts are too disconnected. Everything probably sounds like some desperate pathetic plea for attention. I should keep it to myself.

Most of the time I hide. To avoid failure, to avoid rejection. Of course this also prevents me from succeeding, from being accepted, from being happy. I don't see or talk to the few people I can still call friends. Most people who used to be my friends gave up on me a long time ago. And at times I'm glad they did. I'd only continue to disappoint. The less people know me, the less people I can hurt by refusing to crawl out of bed and keep trying.

Every day I look at my parents and feel guilty. They take care of me because I refuse to take care of myself. I'm selfish in my fear. I'm not sick enough that I'm unable to do more, but I let the fear wrap itself around me. I wish it was worse, I wish the dark voices could convince me to give up completely.

I'm not a good person. It's good that I'm alone, no one should be around me.

I feel sick every day. I keep dreaming, hopefully, that I will get hit by a car or a plane will land on my house. It would be so nice if it was all just over.

Most people in their twenties are making many plans for the future. Some are applying to grad school. Some have just finished college and are looking for their first real job. Some are already working, saving money to move out on their own, buy a car or a house. Some are getting married and thinking about starting a family, or worrying about how to best take care of the family they already have. They have become adults and they are making a life for themselves. It's shocking how far away I am from all that.

I'm living day to day and it all seems to be in slow motion. While others rush around to deal with their responsibilities and run towards their goals, I don't have any plans, any destination. I have the remnants of past goals in the back of my mind -a career, a beautiful home, a partner and children- but I no longer truly expect to have any of these things. I don't expect happiness, so I don't bother trying desperately to grasp for it. Fighting for things out of my reach will just make this pointless existence even more unbearable.

Every day is the same now. I get out of bed when I can't sleep anymore. I study to fill my head with something other than despair, to help me get through the day. I keep up the appearance that I'm actually working towards something and that I have some purpose. I help my family with daily tasks. I avoid talking to anyone who might provoke me to talk about my life, what my "plans" for the future are. I just try to make every day as painless as possible.

I know I will never have the life I wanted. I will never be a normal adult who has the luxury of struggling to decide where to live, how to discipline their children, and whether or not they can afford a new tv. I have to focus on the small things I have; the sun shining in on me through the window, a good book to lose myself in, a father who will take care of me likely until I need to take care of him. I wish I could sleep through the next sixty years and have it all be over with, but instead I will just keep trying to go to sleep, wake up, and get through each day.