Sometimes I say to myself, I don't have ADD, I just need to try harder. I'm just being lazy, I've just gotten myself into a bad routine. Then I read stuff like this:

ADHD in Girls
It is often very easy to spot the student with a strong hyperactive component in the classroom, however spotting the quiet, undemanding, student who spends much of their time daydreaming is more of a challenge. Often, this the way that girls present in an academic setting. We do know that the inattentive sub-type is more difficult to diagnose and this is the sub-type most frequently found in females, although not exclusively. This sub-type often presents with anxiety and depression. Frequently girls are not diagnosed until adulthood when they present with these comorbidities and may even end up in the hospital after a suicide attempt. If she is lucky she will see a professional at that time who recognizes the symptoms of adult female ADHD. Unfortunately more often, she will be treated for depression and her underlying ADHD will go undiagnosed. Girls that resemble boys in their ADHD manifestation are more likely to be diagnosed and the females who do end up in the doctors office are usually the ones with more severe hyperactive symptoms. Girls who have a high level of intelligence are even less likely to be diagnosed because they are able to compensate especially if they have obsessional tendencies. Boys symptoms of hyperactivity decrease in adolescence, but girls symptoms of mood swings, anxiety and depression often increase.

Some of the Ways Girls May Present in the Classroom:

Inattentive Sub-type
* Daydreamers
* Not willing to take risks and easily discouraged
* Shy
* Easily overwhelmed
* May be under active
* Self blaming
* Anxious and depressed
* Anxiety around school performance

Hyperactive/Impulsive sub-type or combined
* Hyperactivity may be expressed in being over talkative
* Fidgety
* Bossy
* Risk taking
* Unable to keep up with work load

Other traits:
* Problems with times of transitions
* Immature
* Unable to read other's cues
* May not have friends
* Difficulty fitting in
(From: Centre for ADD/ADHD Advocacy, Canada)

I have ADHD. And I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.

I'm attempting this first year math course, yet again. If I can get through it, then maybe all this time hasn't been a waste. Maybe I can slowly, eventually, get my degree. Maybe I can go to teacher's college and become a math teacher, as I've always wanted. If I don't get through this course I have to give up on that dream and figure out what else to do with myself that will make it seem bearable to be alive.

I want to see him. He was off Friday (yesterday) and again today, which is rare since he normally works on the weekend. But all I can do is sit here worrying that I'm not doing enough to make sure I will get through this course.

I did my first assignment, which is good, but I didn't do enough practice questions from the section, so I'll have to go back to study before my first quiz. I keep forgetting to email my accessibility services contact to find out if they provide accommodations for quizzes. I'm pretty sure they don't, but if for some reason I'm wrong and I should be entitled to writing my quiz in a room by myself, with the distractions of other students around me, it would be nice to have.

He doesn't want to come here and I don't blame him. It is far and my family hasn't been nice to him for most of the time I have known him.

I know if I don't see him today I probably won't see him at this weekend, which ends with my birthday on Monday. He is working the next two days. He is working on my birthday. He didn't bother taking it off because originally my family had been talking about going out for dinner or something tonight instead of Monday, but I told my parents I didn't want to do anything that required us doing it on the weekend, so they made other plans. Their plans didn't end up working out but my grandfather is sick so my dad is just spending the night with him, as usual. Anyway, he didn't take the day off and now it is too late. So I won't see him on my birthday. I guess we should be celebrating today. But I don't want to move; I'm too worried about school and everything I should be doing instead of going out. Going out doesn't feel like it would be fun, so why should I?

I want to write more, because I'm sure these posts usually don't contain enough pertinent information to really explain how I'm feeling. But I'm too tired. It's my birthday and I'll stay home and cry if I want to...

No mentally ill person with enough sense to understand that they have a disease which has drastically effected their life and severely limited their ability to accomplish almost anything wants to celebrate the number of years that have passed in which they have failed at so many things they cared about. I'd rather lay in my own filth, waiting anxiously for death.

I'm feeling less depressed today but the ADD is unbelievable. I feel excited about school but I'm doing that crazy "oh my god I want to take all these classes and go to places and buy things and learn to do a million things all at once" thing.

I'm thinking about sticking with my plan of only enrolling in this one pretty difficult math course and focusing on it, but especially in the first couple weeks I think I might sit in on a bunch of classes and if I find one particularly interesting maybe I will try to go consistently and actually follow along with the work as much as possible just to give myself an idea of what workload I'm capable of handling.

A few days ago I was laying around and thinking there is really no point. I'm turning 25 and I'm a first year student who is not capable of going full time. Does it really make sense to pursue a degree that might take me 7 or 8 years to complete? And what if after all that, I can't get into teacher's college? Should I be going to college instead so that I can actually be working full time by the time I turn 30? And if I'm not working full time before I'm 30, how do I expect to be financially secure enough that I could take time off to have kids? And even if I presume that J would be the father of these hypothetical offspring, I can't presume that he would be making enough money that could just not work.

The idea of earning enough to live off is mind boggling for me. I've always lived at home, had everything I needed. J sometimes just doesn't eat much all day because he doesn't have the cash. I can't imagine not being able to afford food. I understand the importance of not spending excessively. I couldn't care much less fashion or makeup. Kiehls and Burberry were foreign names until last year when J enlightened me. I laugh at the idea of spending more than $20 on a bottle of perfume (which would last me about 20 years if the scent didn't fade). But I can't imagine not being able to afford a tea from Tim Hortons whenever I felt like it or having to carefully budget how much money I spent on fruits and vegetables. And really, I have no idea what kind of full time work I'm capable of doing, so I have no idea how tight my budget will be.

Maybe that's why I keep trying to go to school and live at home instead of opting to work and really trying to move out. I'm terrified. My family drives me crazy, but I know that I am safe here.

It's 3am and I don't even remember what I came on here to write about. Oh yes, I have ADD. My post unraveled the same way so many things in my life unravel. I'm filled with dreams of marvel and beauty but I never seem to get anywhere closer to reaching them. I don't know how to walk through life steadily. I want to run, and if I can't run I figure there isn't much point in moving at all. I'm about to start sprinting again in September... I wonder if I'll be able to get far without collapsing.

I need to learn to slow down my pace without seeing coping out and giving up on my dreams. I need to learn to take baby steps, have patience in myself and stop expecting that I should be capable of achieving everything in one great leap. One course is manageable. This summer math course was great. It made me remember how much I actually love math when I'm working at the right level. Slow and steady, maybe I'll get there. All I can do is hope and try.

My class was going ok. I don't know remember how exactly it happened but everything just fell apart. I'm still too dizzy and overwhelmed to write with any structure so I'll retype some of the lovely, optimistic text messages I've been sending him.

I hate myself for wanting things I'm not capable of getting, and for being incapable of getting the things I want.

My head always goes back to, it's too late, I should give up. Nothing I do for the rest of my life matters. I just need to wait until I can die.

I don't want it to slowly, eventually, one day get better. I just want it all to be over.

I feel like I'm literally falling apart and I need something to hold me together or I'll crumble and collapse.

I'm a complete failure. All I do is sit around wasting time. I don't actually help anyone.

We should just give up. We won't be ok. We won't make each other happy.

I feel so alone. I will never be ok. There is no point pretending it will get better.

I want to cut myself open and bleed all over the carpet.

It's too late to do anything with my life. I'm ready to die.

I hate myself so much.

It's never going to stop hurting.

I'm so ashamed I can't stand it. I'd rather die than live as a failure.

I don't like leaving bed. It is the only place I feel safe, even when all night I keep having nightmares.

P.S. Jennie... I'm sorry I failed you too. I should have called, regardless of how I was feeling. I'm not a very good friend.

Shifting

A week ago I was laying in bed feeling like I needed to die. I felt worse than I have in years. Everything seemed pointless or terribly painful. I was certain that I am a failure, that I will never be able to do anything adequately, that I will never have a life that I feel is worth living.

I scratched my arm with a pair of scissors. Not to the point of bleeding, just to the point that it hurt. I've never done that before. When I've felt like I desperately needed to do something physical to myself in the past, I've cut my hair, but never even very drastically. But I wanted physical pain to distract from the emotional pain. I wanted a visible sign of how awful the feelings were. Maybe I wanted to be able to show someone: It hurts this much.

But as I've been healing physical, it seems I've been healing emotionally. Maybe the medication is starting to work. Maybe the cbt (which has seemed pointless at times) is helping a little. Maybe it is because for the last 5 days I have been able to spend most of the day with J, and was even able to stay over night 3 nights since his family was away.

I feel more in love than I ever have before. We both get very depressed and anxious at times. But when we are together it is easier. We understand, we are supportive. Right now we just can't be together all the time since we can't afford to move out, and being at either of our parents' places is uncomfortable. So we just need to keep trying to feel better and slowly do more.

I've missed my period for 2 months (not at all uncommon for me) but just in case I took a pregnancy test. It was negative, but what was really funny and nice was that both of us agreed that while the timing would be terrible and we would freak out and be scared and worried about things financially, we are not against the idea of having a baby together, so we couldn't see that as being something so awful. I love this man with all my heart, and I want to spend my life with him. It's very comforting to have one thing in my life that feels so good.

Jealousy

When I think about the accomplishments and talents of others I feel sad. I don't wish them any harm, and feel happy that they were able to succeed. But I feel jealous and inferior for not being as good as them.

It doesn't matter if they have achieved something I would never even attempt and therefore don't have much interest in. I wish I was good at everything. I am jealous of artistic talent because I have none. I am jealous of those who can describe important historic events in detail because I've never been able to retain those kind of details. I am jealous of those who are popular because I've never had many friends. I am jealous of people who are athletic because I am clumsy and out of shape.

Then there are the things that really matter to me; being an intelligent and productive student; being a loving friend, girlfriend, daughter and sister. I am disappointed constantly when I compare my behaviour to that of others. I am jealous of those who have finished university, have worked consistently. I hate myself for not keeping in touch with friends, not being able to do more to help my family, not being around at all times when my boyfriend is sad.

I wasted a lot of time tonight analyzing how I've spent my time over the past couple weeks. I never seem to get much done, but I have no idea what category to cut down on. I want to do more of everything. There just doesn't seem to be enough time. I want to be better at everything. I hate myself for not being able to do everything all the time. I feel guilty for not being perfect. I am jealous of those who seem to be more perfect than me. Why is it that ignore the faults of others when I compare myself to them? Maybe I've already decided I'm inferior, so I need to ignore certain details so I can continue to hold onto that belief. But the belief is so strong, that I can't accept that it is distorted.

His ex was awful. She was cruel, hurtful, selfish. But she acted nice and so everyone liked her. She was brilliant. She completed two degrees and was offered the chance to do a phd without having finished her masters. He liked her enough that he decided he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. It doesn't matter that she was a crazy bitch, I still believe she's better than me. It doesn't matter that she is 8 years older. I hate myself for not having accomplished the same things. I tell myself that it doesn't matter that I am kind and loving and supportive, because I haven't done well enough in school compared to her. How ridiculous is that?

His mother takes photos while walking around the city and posts them online. Occasionally I will look at her flickr page. But often when I do I feel disappointed that I would never be able to take pictures as well as she does. I have no sense of how to frame a shot. I have no idea what images would look better in black and white. It makes me feel boring and wish that I was capable of some kind of creative expression that would make others ohh and ahhh the way hers sometimes do. I am jealous that I don't have a hobby that I enjoy as much as she enjoys photography.

And I'm terrified of being around others because I assume they will judge me just as harshly as I judge myself. But even as I write this, I don't believe I judge myself harshly. I believe I should be perfect. I believe all my failures are due to laziness, selfishness and lack of motivation. I believe I just don't try hard enough. I hate myself for not being able to simply ignore this depression and move on.

Fear

I am afraid that it will never get better. I am afraid I will never be able to do all the things I dream of. I am afraid that I will never feel strong enough to even do simple things like go to work five days a week. There have been few, brief periods of my life that I was able to work or go to school consistently. I am afraid that I will never be able to take care of myself financially. Or I will manage to work, but will not be able to finish the schooling to get a job I will actually enjoy. I am afraid I will end up angry and bitter. I have been spoiled. I don't know how I will adjust to having to support myself. I am afraid that for some unknown reason, things won't work out with him. I worry we will change, we will fight, that I won't be good enough, that he will be like everyone else and just get frustrated and angry with me.

I'm afraid I will never truly be happy. It scares me so much, that I crawl into bed and hide under the covers and can only find comfort in pretending that nothing is real, I am not here, it is all a dream and soon I will wake up to my real, perfect existence.

All is calm...

and then it starts over again.

The walls creep together, so slowly at first that I barely notice, and then suddenly I am trapped. The black ooze drips down. It piles up and rises to my chin. I try to move, but it hardens around my legs.

I've been through this before. A faint light shines above, but there is no point struggling to reach it. I will not win. So I let myself sink. The familiarity of drowning is almost comfortable. I let the black cover my face. I let myself disappear into the darkness.

Appointment #2

I don't particularly like my therapist but I think she will be good for me.

She doesn't seem very kind and doesn't express a great deal of empathy. She sticks to the task at hand, asks me for few, specific details about my feelings in certain situations and goes on to show me what cbt techniques to use for following week. At first I thought that her unemotional, professional manner would bother me and make seeing her pointless. But it might be exactly what I need.

At times I miss my old psychiatrist. I miss having someone to blabber on and on to about how I am feeling, what is upsetting and frustrating me and how people don't understand. I miss having my thoughts and feelings validated.

But I don't need a shoulder to cry on, someone to sit and passively listening to my sorrows. I need to someone to help me feel better. And she just might. Even if she is only really supervising me while I use Mind Over Mood as a tool to help myself, maybe all I really need is a "coach" to keep me motivated and reassure me that doing this therapy is important.

And if it doesn't help, I will find someone else to talk to.

Age-activated ADD

My mom received this email forward. I guess I'm just like a typical 50-60 year old homemaker.

AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.


My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Coffee aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coffee is getting cold,
And I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coffee on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.


So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

Positive Thinking

For the moment, I am actually happy.

Not the silly, immature happy of the 13-year-old me (A boy likes me, now I can be happy!) and not the happy that is based on a random accomplishment (oh look, I got an A, that must mean I'm a good person). I like myself. I love myself. I believe that things will be okay.

I am giving myself credit for all the little things I did yesterday which I usually ignore. I did 3 loads of laundry. I reviewed math and then tutored. I made a healthy dinner for everyone. I vacuumed my room, something I've wanted to do all week. I printed my sister's project at Staples and then walked back home. I took Toby for a walk. I washed and ate raspberries. I ate a piece of cake, but I took time to really enjoy it instead of stuffing my face without thinking.

Seeing myself be productive helps with my mood. Sometimes this makes me think that working would help, as long as it wasn't something as complicated as the bank. But really, I want to teach math. So in July I will take a course that is a review of high school math and help Jaclyn get through summer school. Then in September I will take first year math. If I can't get through it, then that will be okay. I can teach something different or I can think about being a guidance counsellor or therapist. I just need to see what I am capable of and find something I can do which I will also enjoy.

I have struggled. I have tripped and fallen. I have felt like I couldn't move, sitting in the bottom of a giant hole. But I can get back up. I am strong enough. I am a good person. I am smart and loving and motivated. I can create a life for myself. I can be happy.

Learning with ADHD

Partially because I've felt obligated and partially because I needed some kind of income, I have been tutoring a grade 9 student for the last couple months.

You would expect this to be relatively easy given for me that it is only grade 9 and I took all advanced high school math courses and even got 1/3 of the way through first year calculus with a 70. But it's been 3 years since I last attempted that calculus course, and 5 years since I successfully completely OAC math. AND the kid has ADHD. So it's been pretty stressful at times.

Also, in order to appear competent enough that be viewed as a respectable tutor, I have had to lie and say I am in school now even though I'm not. I've had to have so many conversations about what university in general is like and what my classes I am taking that at times I almost believe I've been in school this year, when I haven't!

Every time I have to go over there, I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I think he'll ask me a question and I won't be able to explain it. I think his mom will blame me for the fact that he's still failing. I think they will somehow find out that I am a fraud.

But almost every time I leave, I feel better. Sometimes we don't get as much done as we probably should, because he constantly starts talking about things that happened at school and asking what university is like and have I ever done any drugs and do I believe in God. (He's very talkative and curious about everything.) But I would rather be someone he feels comfortable talking to, who makes studying a bit less stressful, than a strict teacher who refuses to let him talk until his work is done. And I know that I am helping him. Some of the stuff is different curriculum than I took and I need to teach myself a little in order to help him, but the majority of the time I can just explain it to him and create practice questions on the spot.

The only thing that sucks is that he really has a hard time with it, so he is still not doing very well. I know that he gets it when we do questions together, but on tests he freezes up and becomes unsure about where to start and just guesses at the answer. I need to keep reminding myself that when he just can't get something, it is because he needs more time and needs to learn at a slower pace. Even if he fails the course, it doesn't mean that I am a failure.

At the same time, working with someone who really has a lot of trouble with the material has been a good challenge for me. It has made me think a lot more about different ways to explain the material. Hopefully it has taught me something about how to be a good teacher.

I hate myself

I'm fat
I'm ugly
I'm lazy
I'm messy
I'm unmotivated
I'm stupid
I'm selfish
I'm pathetic

Do what I say...

My sister won't get out of bed to go to school. It's just like with me. She has no normal schedule, she has no idea how to get anything done in a reasonable amount of time. She stays up late chatting and trying to finish homework she didn't get around to earlier and then is exhausted and unable to get up in the morning.

My mother has something to do this morning so she's up before 9 (which doesn't happen often). She just keeps yelling at her, "what the fuck is wrong with you," and complaining about the fact that my sister doesn't eat better, sleep at normal times, manage her time better - all things my mother doesn't do herself.

I want to walk into her room at 9 am tomorrow, when she'd dead tired still (from staying up till 1 am watching tv or doing dishes she didn't get around to earlier), and scream at her, "the house is a revolting disaster and is driving you and your husband (who is working as always to support you and all your kids) crazy, and you're still in bed - what the fuck is wrong with you??"


P.S. please forgive me for being so indecisive about whether or not I should keep this public :S

Mood

This week (starting last friday) for CBT I've been filling in a Worksheet to track my mood, specifically the severity of my "Depression" every hour of the day. 100 means totally depressed, 0 means happy. It's been a little annoying trying to keep track of it and sometimes I find it difficult to describe my mood with just a number, but it's been okay and sometimes pretty interesting to pay that much attention to how my mood shifts all day long.

Today I had my first 10. As I was leaving he said, "thank you... it's been a really nice weekend." It was Doors Open so we went to a bunch of touristy places around the city and just walked around. It was nice to walk around with a sense of direction instead of our usual wandering and having to figure out which direction to go next, although even that is really nice most of the time (until my legs feel like they are going to fall off :P).

It's funny how much knowing he was happy improved my mood. I was already feeling better since I'd been out with him instead of laying around at home doing nothing, but when he actually said something about it I couldn't help but smile. It makes me happy when I see him happy.

When it's just the two of us and we're not focusing on all the things we are struggling with it's just really nice. And even when we are talking about the things that are hard, we both get each other enough that talking about it with each other helps. I wish I could put the comfort of feeling truly understood into words.

:(

My parents will always worry about everything. They will always think that the fact that he was married, borrowed money from me and is unable to work (even if it's temporary) mean that he's not the ideal person for me.

He cares what they think. We both do. But he will eventually get so frustrated with the uncomfortable way they act around him and decide to be completely indifferent to them.

How do I handle being close to them (and living with them) and being with him at the same time?

It hurts

Dad says,

So he's not working at all?
So why doesn't he just try to find something else?
Can't he at least get a low stress job?
So he's just going to live off his parents?
It's not like he's a kid anymore.
It just doesn't seem fair to you.
You shouldn't have to deal with his stuff on top of your own.
I don't know what you'll do if neither of you can work.
I hope you're saving some of your money (from tutoring).
I hope you're not trying to support two people.

I hate the situation. It is awful and painful and sucks.
But what does he expect me to do? Never see him because of money issues? Stop being with him because we're both sick and therefore should be denied the opportunity to have a loving, supportive realtionship?

Now I feel like I can't breathe.

P.S. my therapist at CAMH is some student and will likely treat me as a textbook case, in a straightforward manner with little emotion. Perfect.

Appointment #1

I have my first appointment in 2 and a half hours.
I don't want to go.

I'm scared it will be pointless. I'm scared I won't like the counselor. I don't know what I will say. I don't know if anything will help. Part of me has already given up so much that it seems silly to go.

Last week I saw the Dr who would prescribe me medication if I decide to take it. I said that sometimes I feel like there is no point in trying, so I would be less likely to take medication because I don't believe there is a point in doing anything. She said I need to make the decision to let them help me. If they said that to me today, I'd probably say, "forget it, I don't want help" and walk out.

I don't know what I want. I'm just sick of feeling like this.

Money

I've been snapping at him for no reason. Feeling more frustrated than usual with the fact that I can't see him without having to spend money.

I know he is in debt and it sucks and I don't want him to feel more stressed than he already is. But it shouldn't be my responsibility. We're both living at home, we're both basically not working. I tutor once a week and spend every penny on eating out with him and tickets. It's frustrating.

He should be asking his parents for money. But obviously he doesn't want to because then they will be even more annoyed with him for not working. And it's true that they don't budget for having to give him money for things like going out. He's worked since he was 16, they haven't had to give him money in 10 years. But he's their kid and went through a lot of stuff and doesn't feel like he can work.

I can't even go over there because it's still awkward for him. So if I want to see him, then I just have to pay.