I've always wanted to have kids and I've always wanted to teach. I think when I was in grade 4 or 5 I still thought I wanted to be a doctor, but I never really liked science so I gave up on that quite quickly. But for years I babysat and loved being around kids. And I was always helping people in my class with work, especially math. When I was in OAC I did a presentation in my economics class, and even my best friend at school just sat and stared, completely focused and interested; listening to my every word, and afterwords told me that I should definitely be a teacher.
All my life I have clung to this dream of what my life would be like. Even when I fell behind and when I had to take a year off in high school, it sucked, but it just meant my life plan would be a little delayed. The past 5 years, while I have been struggling to get only my first few university credits, I would cry and worry that I couldn't do it, but in the back of my mind I was still planning. I have notes on my computer of what problem solving questions I could create that students would find interesting. I have tutored a few high school kids and have thought about how I would need to do things differently with a full class. But now I think it might really be over.
This September I decided to take the first year math course I would need to complete in order to major in Math, so that I could use it as a "teachable" for Teacher's College. And I can't do it anymore. After the first test, I had let the homework pile up and I had so much to do. I felt so overwhelmed that I couldn't start, couldn't focus. Then Christmas break came and every day I wanted to study but other things got in the way. School started again, and I couldn't study for 5 minutes straight. It seems like the only step I need to take is to accept that my ADD will prevent me from being able to finish university courses, and I will never be a teacher.
About a year ago I started saying that I don't think I can ever have kids. Not only am I completely disorganized, but I am sad and frustrated and angry all the time. I'm just so disappointed in myself, in what I haven't been able to do, and I really don't think I would be a good influence on a child. I sent a text to J today saying, I'm a good babysitter, but I couldn't be a good mother all day everyday. And on top of my uncontrollable emotions, I can't imagine making enough money to feed myself, never mind a kid. I will probably live with my parents forever, because I know they would never kick me out. And now that all my dreams are out of reach, I don't think I care enough to try to do anything else with my life. I don't want to look at other options. I never had a backup plan. All I want is to disappear into the oblivion.
January 31, 2009
January 24, 2009
January 19, 2009
The self hatred is overwhelming. In my head millions scream and throw rocks. Sometimes it's too hard to even be awake.
I need something to drown out their voices, laughing at all my mistakes, at how predictable my failures are. I need a drug that will suck them away into a vortex. I eat until I feel sick, but everything is tasteless and the void is never filled. I try TV and if I'm lucky I get sucked in for a whole 15 minutes. Maybe I smile at a silly joke. But noticing the smile just makes it worse. I know I will never really be happy. I will never have a normal life. I go to class, but it's silly since I can't do more than 5 minutes of homework. I do just enough to keep the charade alive, to keep them from asking questions about what I am doing with my life. But I know that my whole life is a joke. I will never pull myself out of this. I've lost the desire to even get better. I just want the torture to be over.
I need something to drown out their voices, laughing at all my mistakes, at how predictable my failures are. I need a drug that will suck them away into a vortex. I eat until I feel sick, but everything is tasteless and the void is never filled. I try TV and if I'm lucky I get sucked in for a whole 15 minutes. Maybe I smile at a silly joke. But noticing the smile just makes it worse. I know I will never really be happy. I will never have a normal life. I go to class, but it's silly since I can't do more than 5 minutes of homework. I do just enough to keep the charade alive, to keep them from asking questions about what I am doing with my life. But I know that my whole life is a joke. I will never pull myself out of this. I've lost the desire to even get better. I just want the torture to be over.
January 18, 2009
Resolutions I would be making if I had the energy to do anything other than watch TV:
Lose weight. It is dragging me down so much, making every movement more difficult, giving me another reason that everything is too hard and I should just give up.
Stop binge eating junk food. I eat to try to fill the void, but all I do is make myself feel sick from the dairy, anxious from the msg, and end up gaining even more weight.
Exercise. I get tired walking up even a few stairs. I feel like I might die if I run to catch a bus. My knee hurts and I constantly twist it and can't walk without a brace because I never build up enough muscle on it. I should be doing physio for it. But instead I just avoid walking even more when it hurts.
Go to class/tutorial. I haven't missed too many classes, but it really sucks that I don't go sometimes just because I feel too sad or tired and then I refuse to talk to anyone in my class to find out what I missed. As if this class isn't hard enough without also missing lecture and having to teach myself out of a textbook.
Study. I should be spending 20 hours a week studying, but for over a month I've done almost nothing at all. Just before Christmas I just lost all my energy and I haven't been able to focus on homework for 10 minutes since class started again. I didn't go to my test because there was no point sitting somewhere for 2 hours staring at a page when I was going to just get a zero anyway. I need take my books and go sit in a library and stare at my books until I start to absorb something, instead of watching TV all day because I can't focus on anything else.
Work. I only have 4 hours of class a week and have been spending no time studying. I should have a part time job. It's pathetic that I can't afford bus fare. It's not okay that I'm 25 and allow myself to be completely dependent on my father. I'm scared of people judging me, so I avoid situations where anyone might talk to me, ask me questions. At Christmas I saw a cousin I rarely see and she asked me what I was up to, kept asking more questions. I felt so pathetic and wanted to run screaming. She's two years younger, already doing her Masters. I hide in my room, let my dad take care of me, because I don't want to face how pathetic I am. I don't want more people to look at me and feel sorry for me. I'm so ashamed. But unless I want to live with my parents forever, I should be doing something for money. Even as I type that I think it's impossible to actually do what I would need to in order to get a job.
I hate myself
Lose weight. It is dragging me down so much, making every movement more difficult, giving me another reason that everything is too hard and I should just give up.
Stop binge eating junk food. I eat to try to fill the void, but all I do is make myself feel sick from the dairy, anxious from the msg, and end up gaining even more weight.
Exercise. I get tired walking up even a few stairs. I feel like I might die if I run to catch a bus. My knee hurts and I constantly twist it and can't walk without a brace because I never build up enough muscle on it. I should be doing physio for it. But instead I just avoid walking even more when it hurts.
Go to class/tutorial. I haven't missed too many classes, but it really sucks that I don't go sometimes just because I feel too sad or tired and then I refuse to talk to anyone in my class to find out what I missed. As if this class isn't hard enough without also missing lecture and having to teach myself out of a textbook.
Study. I should be spending 20 hours a week studying, but for over a month I've done almost nothing at all. Just before Christmas I just lost all my energy and I haven't been able to focus on homework for 10 minutes since class started again. I didn't go to my test because there was no point sitting somewhere for 2 hours staring at a page when I was going to just get a zero anyway. I need take my books and go sit in a library and stare at my books until I start to absorb something, instead of watching TV all day because I can't focus on anything else.
Work. I only have 4 hours of class a week and have been spending no time studying. I should have a part time job. It's pathetic that I can't afford bus fare. It's not okay that I'm 25 and allow myself to be completely dependent on my father. I'm scared of people judging me, so I avoid situations where anyone might talk to me, ask me questions. At Christmas I saw a cousin I rarely see and she asked me what I was up to, kept asking more questions. I felt so pathetic and wanted to run screaming. She's two years younger, already doing her Masters. I hide in my room, let my dad take care of me, because I don't want to face how pathetic I am. I don't want more people to look at me and feel sorry for me. I'm so ashamed. But unless I want to live with my parents forever, I should be doing something for money. Even as I type that I think it's impossible to actually do what I would need to in order to get a job.
I hate myself
December 01, 2008
I'm lonely. I'm bored. I feel overwhelmed by life. It's all too much. The waking up and the eating and bathing and speaking and listening and seeing. I want to close my eyes and have it all vanish. I want happiness. I want freedom. I want to feel able to reach all the impossible dreams that I try to pretend I've given up on.
I regret it all. I wish I could change everything I've ever done. Everything is a horrible mistake. I didn't try hard enough. I still don't. I'm just so tired and it all feels so hard. And it doesn't feel like it will ever stop being nothing but hard and frustrating. I don't want to be sad and angry all the time. Maybe I'm just not cut out for living.
I should have been working. I have no money to buy christmas presents. I don't care much about having things for myself, but being able to make others happy means so much to me. I want them to smile. Maybe I think I am nothing if I can't give them something. I feel like nothing.
I regret it all. I wish I could change everything I've ever done. Everything is a horrible mistake. I didn't try hard enough. I still don't. I'm just so tired and it all feels so hard. And it doesn't feel like it will ever stop being nothing but hard and frustrating. I don't want to be sad and angry all the time. Maybe I'm just not cut out for living.
I should have been working. I have no money to buy christmas presents. I don't care much about having things for myself, but being able to make others happy means so much to me. I want them to smile. Maybe I think I am nothing if I can't give them something. I feel like nothing.
November 08, 2008
I am just so sad. It goes away for an hour here or there, but it always comes back. I'm so overwhelmed it is difficult to even form sentences.
The only thing that keeps me alive is fear of pain and guilt from knowing I would hurt others by ending my life.
Occasionally there is a glimmer of hope. Maybe I can finish this assignment, maybe I can pass the test, maybe I can finish this course. But one course a year, I'd finish university in 15. And if I can't handle more than one course at a time, who knows that I could even handle teacher's college - never mind actually teaching.
If I can't teach my life will seem pointless. It is the only thing that makes me happy, no matter how depressed I am. I love it. Maybe I'll never have kids because I won't have the money to take care of them, maybe I'll never lose all this weight and will cringe every time I look in the mirror for the rest of my life, maybe I'll always be disappointed that my relationship isn't like the magical-perfect-fairytale version I had in my head, that it can't make everything feel ok. But if I could teach, maybe all that wouldn't matter because I would be doing something I was passionate about. But without that, I don't know what is going to get me through the days and years. I wonder if I will never feel really motivated to pursue anything and will just continue to spend as much time as possible alone in bed. I will continue to leech on my father, depending on him to take care of me until he can't. And when he can't, maybe I will feel helpless enough that I'll actually have the strength to end it all.
I'm not really living, I'm just killing time.
The only thing that keeps me alive is fear of pain and guilt from knowing I would hurt others by ending my life.
Occasionally there is a glimmer of hope. Maybe I can finish this assignment, maybe I can pass the test, maybe I can finish this course. But one course a year, I'd finish university in 15. And if I can't handle more than one course at a time, who knows that I could even handle teacher's college - never mind actually teaching.
If I can't teach my life will seem pointless. It is the only thing that makes me happy, no matter how depressed I am. I love it. Maybe I'll never have kids because I won't have the money to take care of them, maybe I'll never lose all this weight and will cringe every time I look in the mirror for the rest of my life, maybe I'll always be disappointed that my relationship isn't like the magical-perfect-fairytale version I had in my head, that it can't make everything feel ok. But if I could teach, maybe all that wouldn't matter because I would be doing something I was passionate about. But without that, I don't know what is going to get me through the days and years. I wonder if I will never feel really motivated to pursue anything and will just continue to spend as much time as possible alone in bed. I will continue to leech on my father, depending on him to take care of me until he can't. And when he can't, maybe I will feel helpless enough that I'll actually have the strength to end it all.
I'm not really living, I'm just killing time.
October 11, 2008
"everyone goes through this"
She says I just need to change the way I am looking at things. Stop eating so much sugar (I'm completely addicted). Start taking better care of my body and then things will start to look better. Everyone goes through a time in their life where things are hard and not the way they expected or wanted. People go to jail for years, people get cancer and are sick for years. This doesn't mean I can't one day be happy.
Never mind that most people would look at me and think that this is all my fault. I've wasted all my good opportunities, to make something of myself. I didn't have to work and pay for school myself. But soon my father will retire and won't be able to support me the way he has been. I've wasted all this time. It is a big deal that I'm no where near being able to move out. I can't even stand the idea of speaking to people. I feel inferior to everyone I know.
No, I just need to stop comparing myself to my cousins, all finished their degree, most pursuing grad school. I shouldn't compare myself to all the people I went to high school with who are getting married and starting their careers and writing about their amazing experiences teaching in Korea and partying with all their friends and enjoying their lives. It doesn't matter that I got better marks than them, that I was expected to do so much more. I shouldn't think about how pathetic I am compared to them now.
No, I need to compare myself to the people who have been laying in hospital beds and in jail cells. Compared to them I am doing just fine. And for this I should be grateful.
Thanks mom, I feel much better now.
I wish I did have cancer. At least I'd have an "acceptable" excuse to give people. Instead my father tells people he works with that I'm considering teachers college. He acts as if nothing is wrong. He can't tell anyone the truth. It's too embarrassing. I'm an embarrassment.
Never mind that most people would look at me and think that this is all my fault. I've wasted all my good opportunities, to make something of myself. I didn't have to work and pay for school myself. But soon my father will retire and won't be able to support me the way he has been. I've wasted all this time. It is a big deal that I'm no where near being able to move out. I can't even stand the idea of speaking to people. I feel inferior to everyone I know.
No, I just need to stop comparing myself to my cousins, all finished their degree, most pursuing grad school. I shouldn't compare myself to all the people I went to high school with who are getting married and starting their careers and writing about their amazing experiences teaching in Korea and partying with all their friends and enjoying their lives. It doesn't matter that I got better marks than them, that I was expected to do so much more. I shouldn't think about how pathetic I am compared to them now.
No, I need to compare myself to the people who have been laying in hospital beds and in jail cells. Compared to them I am doing just fine. And for this I should be grateful.
Thanks mom, I feel much better now.
I wish I did have cancer. At least I'd have an "acceptable" excuse to give people. Instead my father tells people he works with that I'm considering teachers college. He acts as if nothing is wrong. He can't tell anyone the truth. It's too embarrassing. I'm an embarrassment.
The only person who was able to motivate me to do anything when I felt this hopeless did so by talking down to me and telling me to stop being stupid. Is that what I need? Maybe he was right. I'm not depressed, my parents just spoiled me so now I cry and run away whenever things get difficult. I am not brave. I am not motivated. I am a pathetic child hiding in the corner crying, waiting for mommy and daddy to say they will take care of it; that I can go to sleep and when I wake up everything will be ok.
October 10, 2008
Knowing why doesn't help
"Depression is one of the worst forms of suffering because of the immense feelings of shame, worthlessness, hopelessness and demoralization. Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem. Many depressed patients… yearned for death and prayed every night that they would get cancer, so they could die in dignity without having to commit suicide." (Dr. Burns, "Feeling Good")
Today it doesn't even feel like depression. It feels like just knowing what a worthless human being I am. It is my fault. I'm spoiled and selfish. If I wasn't then I would be happy, I would be thankful for everything I have. But I'm not thankful. I don't care. It's not enough for me. I want more, or I want none of it. And I don't want to have to try hard. If my tiniest efforts aren't enough than forget it. I will lay here until someone forces me to move. Then I will whine and scream like a spoiled, selfish baby and refuse to understand why I need to work in any shape or form. If it won't make me happy, there is no point and I just refuse. I don't care about anyone else anymore. My mother yells, asks what I am doing with myself, am I quitting school. I tell her I don't know and she says I better figure it out. But I don't feel like I should have to. I only wonder to myself whether I could make myself stab her, but decide it wouldn't matter because that wouldn't make my life any easier, and that is the only thing I am concerned about. I want to sleep as much as possible. I want to move and think and breath as little as possible. I keep getting angry at my body for being unable to sleep for longer. I kept waking up every hour last night (this morning). Why am I writing this? I don't want to talk to anyone. Or, I want to get all this stuff out, but not have to deal with listening to a response. I don't want to answer questions, I don't want to discuss things. The only thing I want is for someone to show me how to escape.
Today it doesn't even feel like depression. It feels like just knowing what a worthless human being I am. It is my fault. I'm spoiled and selfish. If I wasn't then I would be happy, I would be thankful for everything I have. But I'm not thankful. I don't care. It's not enough for me. I want more, or I want none of it. And I don't want to have to try hard. If my tiniest efforts aren't enough than forget it. I will lay here until someone forces me to move. Then I will whine and scream like a spoiled, selfish baby and refuse to understand why I need to work in any shape or form. If it won't make me happy, there is no point and I just refuse. I don't care about anyone else anymore. My mother yells, asks what I am doing with myself, am I quitting school. I tell her I don't know and she says I better figure it out. But I don't feel like I should have to. I only wonder to myself whether I could make myself stab her, but decide it wouldn't matter because that wouldn't make my life any easier, and that is the only thing I am concerned about. I want to sleep as much as possible. I want to move and think and breath as little as possible. I keep getting angry at my body for being unable to sleep for longer. I kept waking up every hour last night (this morning). Why am I writing this? I don't want to talk to anyone. Or, I want to get all this stuff out, but not have to deal with listening to a response. I don't want to answer questions, I don't want to discuss things. The only thing I want is for someone to show me how to escape.
October 09, 2008
October 06, 2008
September 30, 2008
Sometimes I say to myself, I don't have ADD, I just need to try harder. I'm just being lazy, I've just gotten myself into a bad routine. Then I read stuff like this:
(From: Centre for ADD/ADHD Advocacy, Canada)
I have ADHD. And I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.
ADHD in Girls
It is often very easy to spot the student with a strong hyperactive component in the classroom, however spotting the quiet, undemanding, student who spends much of their time daydreaming is more of a challenge. Often, this the way that girls present in an academic setting. We do know that the inattentive sub-type is more difficult to diagnose and this is the sub-type most frequently found in females, although not exclusively. This sub-type often presents with anxiety and depression. Frequently girls are not diagnosed until adulthood when they present with these comorbidities and may even end up in the hospital after a suicide attempt. If she is lucky she will see a professional at that time who recognizes the symptoms of adult female ADHD. Unfortunately more often, she will be treated for depression and her underlying ADHD will go undiagnosed. Girls that resemble boys in their ADHD manifestation are more likely to be diagnosed and the females who do end up in the doctors office are usually the ones with more severe hyperactive symptoms. Girls who have a high level of intelligence are even less likely to be diagnosed because they are able to compensate especially if they have obsessional tendencies. Boys symptoms of hyperactivity decrease in adolescence, but girls symptoms of mood swings, anxiety and depression often increase.
Some of the Ways Girls May Present in the Classroom:
Inattentive Sub-type
* Daydreamers
* Not willing to take risks and easily discouraged
* Shy
* Easily overwhelmed
* May be under active
* Self blaming
* Anxious and depressed
* Anxiety around school performance
Hyperactive/Impulsive sub-type or combined
* Hyperactivity may be expressed in being over talkative
* Fidgety
* Bossy
* Risk taking
* Unable to keep up with work load
Other traits:
* Problems with times of transitions
* Immature
* Unable to read other's cues
* May not have friends
* Difficulty fitting in
(From: Centre for ADD/ADHD Advocacy, Canada)
I have ADHD. And I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.
September 27, 2008
I'm attempting this first year math course, yet again. If I can get through it, then maybe all this time hasn't been a waste. Maybe I can slowly, eventually, get my degree. Maybe I can go to teacher's college and become a math teacher, as I've always wanted. If I don't get through this course I have to give up on that dream and figure out what else to do with myself that will make it seem bearable to be alive.
I want to see him. He was off Friday (yesterday) and again today, which is rare since he normally works on the weekend. But all I can do is sit here worrying that I'm not doing enough to make sure I will get through this course.
I did my first assignment, which is good, but I didn't do enough practice questions from the section, so I'll have to go back to study before my first quiz. I keep forgetting to email my accessibility services contact to find out if they provide accommodations for quizzes. I'm pretty sure they don't, but if for some reason I'm wrong and I should be entitled to writing my quiz in a room by myself, with the distractions of other students around me, it would be nice to have.
He doesn't want to come here and I don't blame him. It is far and my family hasn't been nice to him for most of the time I have known him.
I know if I don't see him today I probably won't see him at this weekend, which ends with my birthday on Monday. He is working the next two days. He is working on my birthday. He didn't bother taking it off because originally my family had been talking about going out for dinner or something tonight instead of Monday, but I told my parents I didn't want to do anything that required us doing it on the weekend, so they made other plans. Their plans didn't end up working out but my grandfather is sick so my dad is just spending the night with him, as usual. Anyway, he didn't take the day off and now it is too late. So I won't see him on my birthday. I guess we should be celebrating today. But I don't want to move; I'm too worried about school and everything I should be doing instead of going out. Going out doesn't feel like it would be fun, so why should I?
I want to write more, because I'm sure these posts usually don't contain enough pertinent information to really explain how I'm feeling. But I'm too tired. It's my birthday and I'll stay home and cry if I want to...
I want to see him. He was off Friday (yesterday) and again today, which is rare since he normally works on the weekend. But all I can do is sit here worrying that I'm not doing enough to make sure I will get through this course.
I did my first assignment, which is good, but I didn't do enough practice questions from the section, so I'll have to go back to study before my first quiz. I keep forgetting to email my accessibility services contact to find out if they provide accommodations for quizzes. I'm pretty sure they don't, but if for some reason I'm wrong and I should be entitled to writing my quiz in a room by myself, with the distractions of other students around me, it would be nice to have.
He doesn't want to come here and I don't blame him. It is far and my family hasn't been nice to him for most of the time I have known him.
I know if I don't see him today I probably won't see him at this weekend, which ends with my birthday on Monday. He is working the next two days. He is working on my birthday. He didn't bother taking it off because originally my family had been talking about going out for dinner or something tonight instead of Monday, but I told my parents I didn't want to do anything that required us doing it on the weekend, so they made other plans. Their plans didn't end up working out but my grandfather is sick so my dad is just spending the night with him, as usual. Anyway, he didn't take the day off and now it is too late. So I won't see him on my birthday. I guess we should be celebrating today. But I don't want to move; I'm too worried about school and everything I should be doing instead of going out. Going out doesn't feel like it would be fun, so why should I?
I want to write more, because I'm sure these posts usually don't contain enough pertinent information to really explain how I'm feeling. But I'm too tired. It's my birthday and I'll stay home and cry if I want to...
September 20, 2008
No mentally ill person with enough sense to understand that they have a disease which has drastically effected their life and severely limited their ability to accomplish almost anything wants to celebrate the number of years that have passed in which they have failed at so many things they cared about. I'd rather lay in my own filth, waiting anxiously for death.
August 24, 2008
I'm feeling less depressed today but the ADD is unbelievable. I feel excited about school but I'm doing that crazy "oh my god I want to take all these classes and go to places and buy things and learn to do a million things all at once" thing.
I'm thinking about sticking with my plan of only enrolling in this one pretty difficult math course and focusing on it, but especially in the first couple weeks I think I might sit in on a bunch of classes and if I find one particularly interesting maybe I will try to go consistently and actually follow along with the work as much as possible just to give myself an idea of what workload I'm capable of handling.
A few days ago I was laying around and thinking there is really no point. I'm turning 25 and I'm a first year student who is not capable of going full time. Does it really make sense to pursue a degree that might take me 7 or 8 years to complete? And what if after all that, I can't get into teacher's college? Should I be going to college instead so that I can actually be working full time by the time I turn 30? And if I'm not working full time before I'm 30, how do I expect to be financially secure enough that I could take time off to have kids? And even if I presume that J would be the father of these hypothetical offspring, I can't presume that he would be making enough money that could just not work.
The idea of earning enough to live off is mind boggling for me. I've always lived at home, had everything I needed. J sometimes just doesn't eat much all day because he doesn't have the cash. I can't imagine not being able to afford food. I understand the importance of not spending excessively. I couldn't care much less fashion or makeup. Kiehls and Burberry were foreign names until last year when J enlightened me. I laugh at the idea of spending more than $20 on a bottle of perfume (which would last me about 20 years if the scent didn't fade). But I can't imagine not being able to afford a tea from Tim Hortons whenever I felt like it or having to carefully budget how much money I spent on fruits and vegetables. And really, I have no idea what kind of full time work I'm capable of doing, so I have no idea how tight my budget will be.
Maybe that's why I keep trying to go to school and live at home instead of opting to work and really trying to move out. I'm terrified. My family drives me crazy, but I know that I am safe here.
It's 3am and I don't even remember what I came on here to write about. Oh yes, I have ADD. My post unraveled the same way so many things in my life unravel. I'm filled with dreams of marvel and beauty but I never seem to get anywhere closer to reaching them. I don't know how to walk through life steadily. I want to run, and if I can't run I figure there isn't much point in moving at all. I'm about to start sprinting again in September... I wonder if I'll be able to get far without collapsing.
I need to learn to slow down my pace without seeing coping out and giving up on my dreams. I need to learn to take baby steps, have patience in myself and stop expecting that I should be capable of achieving everything in one great leap. One course is manageable. This summer math course was great. It made me remember how much I actually love math when I'm working at the right level. Slow and steady, maybe I'll get there. All I can do is hope and try.
I'm thinking about sticking with my plan of only enrolling in this one pretty difficult math course and focusing on it, but especially in the first couple weeks I think I might sit in on a bunch of classes and if I find one particularly interesting maybe I will try to go consistently and actually follow along with the work as much as possible just to give myself an idea of what workload I'm capable of handling.
A few days ago I was laying around and thinking there is really no point. I'm turning 25 and I'm a first year student who is not capable of going full time. Does it really make sense to pursue a degree that might take me 7 or 8 years to complete? And what if after all that, I can't get into teacher's college? Should I be going to college instead so that I can actually be working full time by the time I turn 30? And if I'm not working full time before I'm 30, how do I expect to be financially secure enough that I could take time off to have kids? And even if I presume that J would be the father of these hypothetical offspring, I can't presume that he would be making enough money that could just not work.
The idea of earning enough to live off is mind boggling for me. I've always lived at home, had everything I needed. J sometimes just doesn't eat much all day because he doesn't have the cash. I can't imagine not being able to afford food. I understand the importance of not spending excessively. I couldn't care much less fashion or makeup. Kiehls and Burberry were foreign names until last year when J enlightened me. I laugh at the idea of spending more than $20 on a bottle of perfume (which would last me about 20 years if the scent didn't fade). But I can't imagine not being able to afford a tea from Tim Hortons whenever I felt like it or having to carefully budget how much money I spent on fruits and vegetables. And really, I have no idea what kind of full time work I'm capable of doing, so I have no idea how tight my budget will be.
Maybe that's why I keep trying to go to school and live at home instead of opting to work and really trying to move out. I'm terrified. My family drives me crazy, but I know that I am safe here.
It's 3am and I don't even remember what I came on here to write about. Oh yes, I have ADD. My post unraveled the same way so many things in my life unravel. I'm filled with dreams of marvel and beauty but I never seem to get anywhere closer to reaching them. I don't know how to walk through life steadily. I want to run, and if I can't run I figure there isn't much point in moving at all. I'm about to start sprinting again in September... I wonder if I'll be able to get far without collapsing.
I need to learn to slow down my pace without seeing coping out and giving up on my dreams. I need to learn to take baby steps, have patience in myself and stop expecting that I should be capable of achieving everything in one great leap. One course is manageable. This summer math course was great. It made me remember how much I actually love math when I'm working at the right level. Slow and steady, maybe I'll get there. All I can do is hope and try.
August 21, 2008
My class was going ok. I don't know remember how exactly it happened but everything just fell apart. I'm still too dizzy and overwhelmed to write with any structure so I'll retype some of the lovely, optimistic text messages I've been sending him.
I hate myself for wanting things I'm not capable of getting, and for being incapable of getting the things I want.
My head always goes back to, it's too late, I should give up. Nothing I do for the rest of my life matters. I just need to wait until I can die.
I don't want it to slowly, eventually, one day get better. I just want it all to be over.
I feel like I'm literally falling apart and I need something to hold me together or I'll crumble and collapse.
I'm a complete failure. All I do is sit around wasting time. I don't actually help anyone.
We should just give up. We won't be ok. We won't make each other happy.
I feel so alone. I will never be ok. There is no point pretending it will get better.
I want to cut myself open and bleed all over the carpet.
It's too late to do anything with my life. I'm ready to die.
I hate myself so much.
It's never going to stop hurting.
I'm so ashamed I can't stand it. I'd rather die than live as a failure.
I don't like leaving bed. It is the only place I feel safe, even when all night I keep having nightmares.
P.S. Jennie... I'm sorry I failed you too. I should have called, regardless of how I was feeling. I'm not a very good friend.
I hate myself for wanting things I'm not capable of getting, and for being incapable of getting the things I want.
My head always goes back to, it's too late, I should give up. Nothing I do for the rest of my life matters. I just need to wait until I can die.
I don't want it to slowly, eventually, one day get better. I just want it all to be over.
I feel like I'm literally falling apart and I need something to hold me together or I'll crumble and collapse.
I'm a complete failure. All I do is sit around wasting time. I don't actually help anyone.
We should just give up. We won't be ok. We won't make each other happy.
I feel so alone. I will never be ok. There is no point pretending it will get better.
I want to cut myself open and bleed all over the carpet.
It's too late to do anything with my life. I'm ready to die.
I hate myself so much.
It's never going to stop hurting.
I'm so ashamed I can't stand it. I'd rather die than live as a failure.
I don't like leaving bed. It is the only place I feel safe, even when all night I keep having nightmares.
P.S. Jennie... I'm sorry I failed you too. I should have called, regardless of how I was feeling. I'm not a very good friend.
July 04, 2008
Shifting
A week ago I was laying in bed feeling like I needed to die. I felt worse than I have in years. Everything seemed pointless or terribly painful. I was certain that I am a failure, that I will never be able to do anything adequately, that I will never have a life that I feel is worth living.
I scratched my arm with a pair of scissors. Not to the point of bleeding, just to the point that it hurt. I've never done that before. When I've felt like I desperately needed to do something physical to myself in the past, I've cut my hair, but never even very drastically. But I wanted physical pain to distract from the emotional pain. I wanted a visible sign of how awful the feelings were. Maybe I wanted to be able to show someone: It hurts this much.
But as I've been healing physical, it seems I've been healing emotionally. Maybe the medication is starting to work. Maybe the cbt (which has seemed pointless at times) is helping a little. Maybe it is because for the last 5 days I have been able to spend most of the day with J, and was even able to stay over night 3 nights since his family was away.
I feel more in love than I ever have before. We both get very depressed and anxious at times. But when we are together it is easier. We understand, we are supportive. Right now we just can't be together all the time since we can't afford to move out, and being at either of our parents' places is uncomfortable. So we just need to keep trying to feel better and slowly do more.
I've missed my period for 2 months (not at all uncommon for me) but just in case I took a pregnancy test. It was negative, but what was really funny and nice was that both of us agreed that while the timing would be terrible and we would freak out and be scared and worried about things financially, we are not against the idea of having a baby together, so we couldn't see that as being something so awful. I love this man with all my heart, and I want to spend my life with him. It's very comforting to have one thing in my life that feels so good.
I scratched my arm with a pair of scissors. Not to the point of bleeding, just to the point that it hurt. I've never done that before. When I've felt like I desperately needed to do something physical to myself in the past, I've cut my hair, but never even very drastically. But I wanted physical pain to distract from the emotional pain. I wanted a visible sign of how awful the feelings were. Maybe I wanted to be able to show someone: It hurts this much.
But as I've been healing physical, it seems I've been healing emotionally. Maybe the medication is starting to work. Maybe the cbt (which has seemed pointless at times) is helping a little. Maybe it is because for the last 5 days I have been able to spend most of the day with J, and was even able to stay over night 3 nights since his family was away.
I feel more in love than I ever have before. We both get very depressed and anxious at times. But when we are together it is easier. We understand, we are supportive. Right now we just can't be together all the time since we can't afford to move out, and being at either of our parents' places is uncomfortable. So we just need to keep trying to feel better and slowly do more.
I've missed my period for 2 months (not at all uncommon for me) but just in case I took a pregnancy test. It was negative, but what was really funny and nice was that both of us agreed that while the timing would be terrible and we would freak out and be scared and worried about things financially, we are not against the idea of having a baby together, so we couldn't see that as being something so awful. I love this man with all my heart, and I want to spend my life with him. It's very comforting to have one thing in my life that feels so good.
June 15, 2008
Jealousy
When I think about the accomplishments and talents of others I feel sad. I don't wish them any harm, and feel happy that they were able to succeed. But I feel jealous and inferior for not being as good as them.
It doesn't matter if they have achieved something I would never even attempt and therefore don't have much interest in. I wish I was good at everything. I am jealous of artistic talent because I have none. I am jealous of those who can describe important historic events in detail because I've never been able to retain those kind of details. I am jealous of those who are popular because I've never had many friends. I am jealous of people who are athletic because I am clumsy and out of shape.
Then there are the things that really matter to me; being an intelligent and productive student; being a loving friend, girlfriend, daughter and sister. I am disappointed constantly when I compare my behaviour to that of others. I am jealous of those who have finished university, have worked consistently. I hate myself for not keeping in touch with friends, not being able to do more to help my family, not being around at all times when my boyfriend is sad.
I wasted a lot of time tonight analyzing how I've spent my time over the past couple weeks. I never seem to get much done, but I have no idea what category to cut down on. I want to do more of everything. There just doesn't seem to be enough time. I want to be better at everything. I hate myself for not being able to do everything all the time. I feel guilty for not being perfect. I am jealous of those who seem to be more perfect than me. Why is it that ignore the faults of others when I compare myself to them? Maybe I've already decided I'm inferior, so I need to ignore certain details so I can continue to hold onto that belief. But the belief is so strong, that I can't accept that it is distorted.
His ex was awful. She was cruel, hurtful, selfish. But she acted nice and so everyone liked her. She was brilliant. She completed two degrees and was offered the chance to do a phd without having finished her masters. He liked her enough that he decided he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. It doesn't matter that she was a crazy bitch, I still believe she's better than me. It doesn't matter that she is 8 years older. I hate myself for not having accomplished the same things. I tell myself that it doesn't matter that I am kind and loving and supportive, because I haven't done well enough in school compared to her. How ridiculous is that?
His mother takes photos while walking around the city and posts them online. Occasionally I will look at her flickr page. But often when I do I feel disappointed that I would never be able to take pictures as well as she does. I have no sense of how to frame a shot. I have no idea what images would look better in black and white. It makes me feel boring and wish that I was capable of some kind of creative expression that would make others ohh and ahhh the way hers sometimes do. I am jealous that I don't have a hobby that I enjoy as much as she enjoys photography.
And I'm terrified of being around others because I assume they will judge me just as harshly as I judge myself. But even as I write this, I don't believe I judge myself harshly. I believe I should be perfect. I believe all my failures are due to laziness, selfishness and lack of motivation. I believe I just don't try hard enough. I hate myself for not being able to simply ignore this depression and move on.
It doesn't matter if they have achieved something I would never even attempt and therefore don't have much interest in. I wish I was good at everything. I am jealous of artistic talent because I have none. I am jealous of those who can describe important historic events in detail because I've never been able to retain those kind of details. I am jealous of those who are popular because I've never had many friends. I am jealous of people who are athletic because I am clumsy and out of shape.
Then there are the things that really matter to me; being an intelligent and productive student; being a loving friend, girlfriend, daughter and sister. I am disappointed constantly when I compare my behaviour to that of others. I am jealous of those who have finished university, have worked consistently. I hate myself for not keeping in touch with friends, not being able to do more to help my family, not being around at all times when my boyfriend is sad.
I wasted a lot of time tonight analyzing how I've spent my time over the past couple weeks. I never seem to get much done, but I have no idea what category to cut down on. I want to do more of everything. There just doesn't seem to be enough time. I want to be better at everything. I hate myself for not being able to do everything all the time. I feel guilty for not being perfect. I am jealous of those who seem to be more perfect than me. Why is it that ignore the faults of others when I compare myself to them? Maybe I've already decided I'm inferior, so I need to ignore certain details so I can continue to hold onto that belief. But the belief is so strong, that I can't accept that it is distorted.
His ex was awful. She was cruel, hurtful, selfish. But she acted nice and so everyone liked her. She was brilliant. She completed two degrees and was offered the chance to do a phd without having finished her masters. He liked her enough that he decided he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. It doesn't matter that she was a crazy bitch, I still believe she's better than me. It doesn't matter that she is 8 years older. I hate myself for not having accomplished the same things. I tell myself that it doesn't matter that I am kind and loving and supportive, because I haven't done well enough in school compared to her. How ridiculous is that?
His mother takes photos while walking around the city and posts them online. Occasionally I will look at her flickr page. But often when I do I feel disappointed that I would never be able to take pictures as well as she does. I have no sense of how to frame a shot. I have no idea what images would look better in black and white. It makes me feel boring and wish that I was capable of some kind of creative expression that would make others ohh and ahhh the way hers sometimes do. I am jealous that I don't have a hobby that I enjoy as much as she enjoys photography.
And I'm terrified of being around others because I assume they will judge me just as harshly as I judge myself. But even as I write this, I don't believe I judge myself harshly. I believe I should be perfect. I believe all my failures are due to laziness, selfishness and lack of motivation. I believe I just don't try hard enough. I hate myself for not being able to simply ignore this depression and move on.
June 12, 2008
Fear
I am afraid that it will never get better. I am afraid I will never be able to do all the things I dream of. I am afraid that I will never feel strong enough to even do simple things like go to work five days a week. There have been few, brief periods of my life that I was able to work or go to school consistently. I am afraid that I will never be able to take care of myself financially. Or I will manage to work, but will not be able to finish the schooling to get a job I will actually enjoy. I am afraid I will end up angry and bitter. I have been spoiled. I don't know how I will adjust to having to support myself. I am afraid that for some unknown reason, things won't work out with him. I worry we will change, we will fight, that I won't be good enough, that he will be like everyone else and just get frustrated and angry with me.
I'm afraid I will never truly be happy. It scares me so much, that I crawl into bed and hide under the covers and can only find comfort in pretending that nothing is real, I am not here, it is all a dream and soon I will wake up to my real, perfect existence.
I'm afraid I will never truly be happy. It scares me so much, that I crawl into bed and hide under the covers and can only find comfort in pretending that nothing is real, I am not here, it is all a dream and soon I will wake up to my real, perfect existence.
June 10, 2008
All is calm...
and then it starts over again.
The walls creep together, so slowly at first that I barely notice, and then suddenly I am trapped. The black ooze drips down. It piles up and rises to my chin. I try to move, but it hardens around my legs.
I've been through this before. A faint light shines above, but there is no point struggling to reach it. I will not win. So I let myself sink. The familiarity of drowning is almost comfortable. I let the black cover my face. I let myself disappear into the darkness.
The walls creep together, so slowly at first that I barely notice, and then suddenly I am trapped. The black ooze drips down. It piles up and rises to my chin. I try to move, but it hardens around my legs.
I've been through this before. A faint light shines above, but there is no point struggling to reach it. I will not win. So I let myself sink. The familiarity of drowning is almost comfortable. I let the black cover my face. I let myself disappear into the darkness.
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