I am alone.

I've done it to myself. I've been terrified for so long that half the time I don't even realize that it is fear. An old boyfriend once gave me a book about dealing with fear and I glared at him and said that although I've been depressed I'm not afraid. But that is a lie.

I don't write often because I expect people will judge what I write. I'm ashamed of the imperfection of every sentence. My thoughts are too disconnected. Everything probably sounds like some desperate pathetic plea for attention. I should keep it to myself.

Most of the time I hide. To avoid failure, to avoid rejection. Of course this also prevents me from succeeding, from being accepted, from being happy. I don't see or talk to the few people I can still call friends. Most people who used to be my friends gave up on me a long time ago. And at times I'm glad they did. I'd only continue to disappoint. The less people know me, the less people I can hurt by refusing to crawl out of bed and keep trying.

Every day I look at my parents and feel guilty. They take care of me because I refuse to take care of myself. I'm selfish in my fear. I'm not sick enough that I'm unable to do more, but I let the fear wrap itself around me. I wish it was worse, I wish the dark voices could convince me to give up completely.

I'm not a good person. It's good that I'm alone, no one should be around me.

I feel sick every day. I keep dreaming, hopefully, that I will get hit by a car or a plane will land on my house. It would be so nice if it was all just over.

Most people in their twenties are making many plans for the future. Some are applying to grad school. Some have just finished college and are looking for their first real job. Some are already working, saving money to move out on their own, buy a car or a house. Some are getting married and thinking about starting a family, or worrying about how to best take care of the family they already have. They have become adults and they are making a life for themselves. It's shocking how far away I am from all that.

I'm living day to day and it all seems to be in slow motion. While others rush around to deal with their responsibilities and run towards their goals, I don't have any plans, any destination. I have the remnants of past goals in the back of my mind -a career, a beautiful home, a partner and children- but I no longer truly expect to have any of these things. I don't expect happiness, so I don't bother trying desperately to grasp for it. Fighting for things out of my reach will just make this pointless existence even more unbearable.

Every day is the same now. I get out of bed when I can't sleep anymore. I study to fill my head with something other than despair, to help me get through the day. I keep up the appearance that I'm actually working towards something and that I have some purpose. I help my family with daily tasks. I avoid talking to anyone who might provoke me to talk about my life, what my "plans" for the future are. I just try to make every day as painless as possible.

I know I will never have the life I wanted. I will never be a normal adult who has the luxury of struggling to decide where to live, how to discipline their children, and whether or not they can afford a new tv. I have to focus on the small things I have; the sun shining in on me through the window, a good book to lose myself in, a father who will take care of me likely until I need to take care of him. I wish I could sleep through the next sixty years and have it all be over with, but instead I will just keep trying to go to sleep, wake up, and get through each day.

I decided to give math one last try. I couldn't get myself to click on that "drop course" button and essentially give up on my dream to teach. But I don't know if I can pass. I had counted out the days until my next test and figured that, since I am only taking one course, as long as I could do about 5 hours of work every single day and catch up, I could do it.

For the first week I managed to do something every day. But it wasn't enough. I'd do maybe 2 hours, with lots of breaks in between, and then it would seem late and I didn't think I could focus anymore. I started getting behind on my own "catch-up" plan. I adjusted my plan, then completely abandoned it because I kept having to scratch out the work I had planned for the next day, since I hadn't finished today's.

I have 23 days to get ready for the next test. I probably have 200 hours worth of studying to do. So I have to spend about 9 hours a day doing incredibly difficult problems that I would normally have a full week to work on. I don't have enough time. I wish I could at least skip the stuff that won't be on the test, but that would be like trying to learn to subtract before learning to add. The stuff on the test is literally the stuff from the last test (which I didn't write) in reverse.

I could not bother writing the test, but then I would fail the course if I got anything less than a 68 on the exam. Considering how difficult the course is that is a big chance to take.

I am actually more likely to fail than to pass, but it's better that I see this through to the end. By May I will know if I have any chance of pursuing a degree in math, any chance of becoming a teacher. If I don't pass I have no idea what I'll do with my life. I think I'll really stop caring.

I've always wanted to have kids and I've always wanted to teach. I think when I was in grade 4 or 5 I still thought I wanted to be a doctor, but I never really liked science so I gave up on that quite quickly. But for years I babysat and loved being around kids. And I was always helping people in my class with work, especially math. When I was in OAC I did a presentation in my economics class, and even my best friend at school just sat and stared, completely focused and interested; listening to my every word, and afterwords told me that I should definitely be a teacher.

All my life I have clung to this dream of what my life would be like. Even when I fell behind and when I had to take a year off in high school, it sucked, but it just meant my life plan would be a little delayed. The past 5 years, while I have been struggling to get only my first few university credits, I would cry and worry that I couldn't do it, but in the back of my mind I was still planning. I have notes on my computer of what problem solving questions I could create that students would find interesting. I have tutored a few high school kids and have thought about how I would need to do things differently with a full class. But now I think it might really be over.

This September I decided to take the first year math course I would need to complete in order to major in Math, so that I could use it as a "teachable" for Teacher's College. And I can't do it anymore. After the first test, I had let the homework pile up and I had so much to do. I felt so overwhelmed that I couldn't start, couldn't focus. Then Christmas break came and every day I wanted to study but other things got in the way. School started again, and I couldn't study for 5 minutes straight. It seems like the only step I need to take is to accept that my ADD will prevent me from being able to finish university courses, and I will never be a teacher.

About a year ago I started saying that I don't think I can ever have kids. Not only am I completely disorganized, but I am sad and frustrated and angry all the time. I'm just so disappointed in myself, in what I haven't been able to do, and I really don't think I would be a good influence on a child. I sent a text to J today saying, I'm a good babysitter, but I couldn't be a good mother all day everyday. And on top of my uncontrollable emotions, I can't imagine making enough money to feed myself, never mind a kid. I will probably live with my parents forever, because I know they would never kick me out. And now that all my dreams are out of reach, I don't think I care enough to try to do anything else with my life. I don't want to look at other options. I never had a backup plan. All I want is to disappear into the oblivion.

I would be so thankful if someone could please come and shoot me in my sleep tonight. Nothing is worth it anymore.

The self hatred is overwhelming. In my head millions scream and throw rocks. Sometimes it's too hard to even be awake.

I need something to drown out their voices, laughing at all my mistakes, at how predictable my failures are. I need a drug that will suck them away into a vortex. I eat until I feel sick, but everything is tasteless and the void is never filled. I try TV and if I'm lucky I get sucked in for a whole 15 minutes. Maybe I smile at a silly joke. But noticing the smile just makes it worse. I know I will never really be happy. I will never have a normal life. I go to class, but it's silly since I can't do more than 5 minutes of homework. I do just enough to keep the charade alive, to keep them from asking questions about what I am doing with my life. But I know that my whole life is a joke. I will never pull myself out of this. I've lost the desire to even get better. I just want the torture to be over.

Resolutions I would be making if I had the energy to do anything other than watch TV:

Lose weight. It is dragging me down so much, making every movement more difficult, giving me another reason that everything is too hard and I should just give up.

Stop binge eating junk food. I eat to try to fill the void, but all I do is make myself feel sick from the dairy, anxious from the msg, and end up gaining even more weight.

Exercise. I get tired walking up even a few stairs. I feel like I might die if I run to catch a bus. My knee hurts and I constantly twist it and can't walk without a brace because I never build up enough muscle on it. I should be doing physio for it. But instead I just avoid walking even more when it hurts.

Go to class/tutorial. I haven't missed too many classes, but it really sucks that I don't go sometimes just because I feel too sad or tired and then I refuse to talk to anyone in my class to find out what I missed. As if this class isn't hard enough without also missing lecture and having to teach myself out of a textbook.

Study. I should be spending 20 hours a week studying, but for over a month I've done almost nothing at all. Just before Christmas I just lost all my energy and I haven't been able to focus on homework for 10 minutes since class started again. I didn't go to my test because there was no point sitting somewhere for 2 hours staring at a page when I was going to just get a zero anyway. I need take my books and go sit in a library and stare at my books until I start to absorb something, instead of watching TV all day because I can't focus on anything else.

Work. I only have 4 hours of class a week and have been spending no time studying. I should have a part time job. It's pathetic that I can't afford bus fare. It's not okay that I'm 25 and allow myself to be completely dependent on my father. I'm scared of people judging me, so I avoid situations where anyone might talk to me, ask me questions. At Christmas I saw a cousin I rarely see and she asked me what I was up to, kept asking more questions. I felt so pathetic and wanted to run screaming. She's two years younger, already doing her Masters. I hide in my room, let my dad take care of me, because I don't want to face how pathetic I am. I don't want more people to look at me and feel sorry for me. I'm so ashamed. But unless I want to live with my parents forever, I should be doing something for money. Even as I type that I think it's impossible to actually do what I would need to in order to get a job.

I hate myself

I'm lonely. I'm bored. I feel overwhelmed by life. It's all too much. The waking up and the eating and bathing and speaking and listening and seeing. I want to close my eyes and have it all vanish. I want happiness. I want freedom. I want to feel able to reach all the impossible dreams that I try to pretend I've given up on.

I regret it all. I wish I could change everything I've ever done. Everything is a horrible mistake. I didn't try hard enough. I still don't. I'm just so tired and it all feels so hard. And it doesn't feel like it will ever stop being nothing but hard and frustrating. I don't want to be sad and angry all the time. Maybe I'm just not cut out for living.

I should have been working. I have no money to buy christmas presents. I don't care much about having things for myself, but being able to make others happy means so much to me. I want them to smile. Maybe I think I am nothing if I can't give them something. I feel like nothing.

I am just so sad. It goes away for an hour here or there, but it always comes back. I'm so overwhelmed it is difficult to even form sentences.

The only thing that keeps me alive is fear of pain and guilt from knowing I would hurt others by ending my life.

Occasionally there is a glimmer of hope. Maybe I can finish this assignment, maybe I can pass the test, maybe I can finish this course. But one course a year, I'd finish university in 15. And if I can't handle more than one course at a time, who knows that I could even handle teacher's college - never mind actually teaching.

If I can't teach my life will seem pointless. It is the only thing that makes me happy, no matter how depressed I am. I love it. Maybe I'll never have kids because I won't have the money to take care of them, maybe I'll never lose all this weight and will cringe every time I look in the mirror for the rest of my life, maybe I'll always be disappointed that my relationship isn't like the magical-perfect-fairytale version I had in my head, that it can't make everything feel ok. But if I could teach, maybe all that wouldn't matter because I would be doing something I was passionate about. But without that, I don't know what is going to get me through the days and years. I wonder if I will never feel really motivated to pursue anything and will just continue to spend as much time as possible alone in bed. I will continue to leech on my father, depending on him to take care of me until he can't. And when he can't, maybe I will feel helpless enough that I'll actually have the strength to end it all.

I'm not really living, I'm just killing time.

"everyone goes through this"

She says I just need to change the way I am looking at things. Stop eating so much sugar (I'm completely addicted). Start taking better care of my body and then things will start to look better. Everyone goes through a time in their life where things are hard and not the way they expected or wanted. People go to jail for years, people get cancer and are sick for years. This doesn't mean I can't one day be happy.

Never mind that most people would look at me and think that this is all my fault. I've wasted all my good opportunities, to make something of myself. I didn't have to work and pay for school myself. But soon my father will retire and won't be able to support me the way he has been. I've wasted all this time. It is a big deal that I'm no where near being able to move out. I can't even stand the idea of speaking to people. I feel inferior to everyone I know.

No, I just need to stop comparing myself to my cousins, all finished their degree, most pursuing grad school. I shouldn't compare myself to all the people I went to high school with who are getting married and starting their careers and writing about their amazing experiences teaching in Korea and partying with all their friends and enjoying their lives. It doesn't matter that I got better marks than them, that I was expected to do so much more. I shouldn't think about how pathetic I am compared to them now.

No, I need to compare myself to the people who have been laying in hospital beds and in jail cells. Compared to them I am doing just fine. And for this I should be grateful.

Thanks mom, I feel much better now.

I wish I did have cancer. At least I'd have an "acceptable" excuse to give people. Instead my father tells people he works with that I'm considering teachers college. He acts as if nothing is wrong. He can't tell anyone the truth. It's too embarrassing. I'm an embarrassment.

The only person who was able to motivate me to do anything when I felt this hopeless did so by talking down to me and telling me to stop being stupid. Is that what I need? Maybe he was right. I'm not depressed, my parents just spoiled me so now I cry and run away whenever things get difficult. I am not brave. I am not motivated. I am a pathetic child hiding in the corner crying, waiting for mommy and daddy to say they will take care of it; that I can go to sleep and when I wake up everything will be ok.

Knowing why doesn't help

"Depression is one of the worst forms of suffering because of the immense feelings of shame, worthlessness, hopelessness and demoralization. Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem. Many depressed patients… yearned for death and prayed every night that they would get cancer, so they could die in dignity without having to commit suicide." (Dr. Burns, "Feeling Good")

Today it doesn't even feel like depression. It feels like just knowing what a worthless human being I am. It is my fault. I'm spoiled and selfish. If I wasn't then I would be happy, I would be thankful for everything I have. But I'm not thankful. I don't care. It's not enough for me. I want more, or I want none of it. And I don't want to have to try hard. If my tiniest efforts aren't enough than forget it. I will lay here until someone forces me to move. Then I will whine and scream like a spoiled, selfish baby and refuse to understand why I need to work in any shape or form. If it won't make me happy, there is no point and I just refuse. I don't care about anyone else anymore. My mother yells, asks what I am doing with myself, am I quitting school. I tell her I don't know and she says I better figure it out. But I don't feel like I should have to. I only wonder to myself whether I could make myself stab her, but decide it wouldn't matter because that wouldn't make my life any easier, and that is the only thing I am concerned about. I want to sleep as much as possible. I want to move and think and breath as little as possible. I keep getting angry at my body for being unable to sleep for longer. I kept waking up every hour last night (this morning). Why am I writing this? I don't want to talk to anyone. Or, I want to get all this stuff out, but not have to deal with listening to a response. I don't want to answer questions, I don't want to discuss things. The only thing I want is for someone to show me how to escape.

I wish I'd known when I was 19 that it really wasn't going to get any better. Maybe I would have had the guts to do it then.

kill me

i give up

Sometimes I say to myself, I don't have ADD, I just need to try harder. I'm just being lazy, I've just gotten myself into a bad routine. Then I read stuff like this:

ADHD in Girls
It is often very easy to spot the student with a strong hyperactive component in the classroom, however spotting the quiet, undemanding, student who spends much of their time daydreaming is more of a challenge. Often, this the way that girls present in an academic setting. We do know that the inattentive sub-type is more difficult to diagnose and this is the sub-type most frequently found in females, although not exclusively. This sub-type often presents with anxiety and depression. Frequently girls are not diagnosed until adulthood when they present with these comorbidities and may even end up in the hospital after a suicide attempt. If she is lucky she will see a professional at that time who recognizes the symptoms of adult female ADHD. Unfortunately more often, she will be treated for depression and her underlying ADHD will go undiagnosed. Girls that resemble boys in their ADHD manifestation are more likely to be diagnosed and the females who do end up in the doctors office are usually the ones with more severe hyperactive symptoms. Girls who have a high level of intelligence are even less likely to be diagnosed because they are able to compensate especially if they have obsessional tendencies. Boys symptoms of hyperactivity decrease in adolescence, but girls symptoms of mood swings, anxiety and depression often increase.

Some of the Ways Girls May Present in the Classroom:

Inattentive Sub-type
* Daydreamers
* Not willing to take risks and easily discouraged
* Shy
* Easily overwhelmed
* May be under active
* Self blaming
* Anxious and depressed
* Anxiety around school performance

Hyperactive/Impulsive sub-type or combined
* Hyperactivity may be expressed in being over talkative
* Fidgety
* Bossy
* Risk taking
* Unable to keep up with work load

Other traits:
* Problems with times of transitions
* Immature
* Unable to read other's cues
* May not have friends
* Difficulty fitting in
(From: Centre for ADD/ADHD Advocacy, Canada)

I have ADHD. And I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.

I'm attempting this first year math course, yet again. If I can get through it, then maybe all this time hasn't been a waste. Maybe I can slowly, eventually, get my degree. Maybe I can go to teacher's college and become a math teacher, as I've always wanted. If I don't get through this course I have to give up on that dream and figure out what else to do with myself that will make it seem bearable to be alive.

I want to see him. He was off Friday (yesterday) and again today, which is rare since he normally works on the weekend. But all I can do is sit here worrying that I'm not doing enough to make sure I will get through this course.

I did my first assignment, which is good, but I didn't do enough practice questions from the section, so I'll have to go back to study before my first quiz. I keep forgetting to email my accessibility services contact to find out if they provide accommodations for quizzes. I'm pretty sure they don't, but if for some reason I'm wrong and I should be entitled to writing my quiz in a room by myself, with the distractions of other students around me, it would be nice to have.

He doesn't want to come here and I don't blame him. It is far and my family hasn't been nice to him for most of the time I have known him.

I know if I don't see him today I probably won't see him at this weekend, which ends with my birthday on Monday. He is working the next two days. He is working on my birthday. He didn't bother taking it off because originally my family had been talking about going out for dinner or something tonight instead of Monday, but I told my parents I didn't want to do anything that required us doing it on the weekend, so they made other plans. Their plans didn't end up working out but my grandfather is sick so my dad is just spending the night with him, as usual. Anyway, he didn't take the day off and now it is too late. So I won't see him on my birthday. I guess we should be celebrating today. But I don't want to move; I'm too worried about school and everything I should be doing instead of going out. Going out doesn't feel like it would be fun, so why should I?

I want to write more, because I'm sure these posts usually don't contain enough pertinent information to really explain how I'm feeling. But I'm too tired. It's my birthday and I'll stay home and cry if I want to...

No mentally ill person with enough sense to understand that they have a disease which has drastically effected their life and severely limited their ability to accomplish almost anything wants to celebrate the number of years that have passed in which they have failed at so many things they cared about. I'd rather lay in my own filth, waiting anxiously for death.

I'm feeling less depressed today but the ADD is unbelievable. I feel excited about school but I'm doing that crazy "oh my god I want to take all these classes and go to places and buy things and learn to do a million things all at once" thing.

I'm thinking about sticking with my plan of only enrolling in this one pretty difficult math course and focusing on it, but especially in the first couple weeks I think I might sit in on a bunch of classes and if I find one particularly interesting maybe I will try to go consistently and actually follow along with the work as much as possible just to give myself an idea of what workload I'm capable of handling.

A few days ago I was laying around and thinking there is really no point. I'm turning 25 and I'm a first year student who is not capable of going full time. Does it really make sense to pursue a degree that might take me 7 or 8 years to complete? And what if after all that, I can't get into teacher's college? Should I be going to college instead so that I can actually be working full time by the time I turn 30? And if I'm not working full time before I'm 30, how do I expect to be financially secure enough that I could take time off to have kids? And even if I presume that J would be the father of these hypothetical offspring, I can't presume that he would be making enough money that could just not work.

The idea of earning enough to live off is mind boggling for me. I've always lived at home, had everything I needed. J sometimes just doesn't eat much all day because he doesn't have the cash. I can't imagine not being able to afford food. I understand the importance of not spending excessively. I couldn't care much less fashion or makeup. Kiehls and Burberry were foreign names until last year when J enlightened me. I laugh at the idea of spending more than $20 on a bottle of perfume (which would last me about 20 years if the scent didn't fade). But I can't imagine not being able to afford a tea from Tim Hortons whenever I felt like it or having to carefully budget how much money I spent on fruits and vegetables. And really, I have no idea what kind of full time work I'm capable of doing, so I have no idea how tight my budget will be.

Maybe that's why I keep trying to go to school and live at home instead of opting to work and really trying to move out. I'm terrified. My family drives me crazy, but I know that I am safe here.

It's 3am and I don't even remember what I came on here to write about. Oh yes, I have ADD. My post unraveled the same way so many things in my life unravel. I'm filled with dreams of marvel and beauty but I never seem to get anywhere closer to reaching them. I don't know how to walk through life steadily. I want to run, and if I can't run I figure there isn't much point in moving at all. I'm about to start sprinting again in September... I wonder if I'll be able to get far without collapsing.

I need to learn to slow down my pace without seeing coping out and giving up on my dreams. I need to learn to take baby steps, have patience in myself and stop expecting that I should be capable of achieving everything in one great leap. One course is manageable. This summer math course was great. It made me remember how much I actually love math when I'm working at the right level. Slow and steady, maybe I'll get there. All I can do is hope and try.

My class was going ok. I don't know remember how exactly it happened but everything just fell apart. I'm still too dizzy and overwhelmed to write with any structure so I'll retype some of the lovely, optimistic text messages I've been sending him.

I hate myself for wanting things I'm not capable of getting, and for being incapable of getting the things I want.

My head always goes back to, it's too late, I should give up. Nothing I do for the rest of my life matters. I just need to wait until I can die.

I don't want it to slowly, eventually, one day get better. I just want it all to be over.

I feel like I'm literally falling apart and I need something to hold me together or I'll crumble and collapse.

I'm a complete failure. All I do is sit around wasting time. I don't actually help anyone.

We should just give up. We won't be ok. We won't make each other happy.

I feel so alone. I will never be ok. There is no point pretending it will get better.

I want to cut myself open and bleed all over the carpet.

It's too late to do anything with my life. I'm ready to die.

I hate myself so much.

It's never going to stop hurting.

I'm so ashamed I can't stand it. I'd rather die than live as a failure.

I don't like leaving bed. It is the only place I feel safe, even when all night I keep having nightmares.

P.S. Jennie... I'm sorry I failed you too. I should have called, regardless of how I was feeling. I'm not a very good friend.