Depression vs Anxiety

This is isn't depression. I've always thought it was, but now that I've taken an Abnormal Psychology course I know it's not.

Major Depressive Disorder comes in bursts. Suddenly you are not your normal self. You can't do the things you normally can. And if you give it time, even without medication, it will lift and you will become yourself again. It is still awful, and the cycle might repeat over and over again. But it cycles, it isn't constant.

I could have Dysthymia - a less severe, but more long term form of depression. But even that eventually cycles.

But this feeling never goes away. Not even for a day.

It's generalized anxiety and it's probably become social anxiety too.

I am always afraid.

Since dropping my courses I don't see or speak to anyone but my parents, siblings and J. It was a friend's birthday recently - one of the very very few I still see occasionally -and I ignored the invitation to her birthday. The guilt for not going and not replying in any way was horrible. But trying to get out of bed, get dressed, and go hang out with a bunch of strangers seemed too terrifying.

I went to the grocery store with my parents. They somewhat insisted, since it has been so long since I last left the house. Even just standing in the aisle I felt horribly uncomfortable. I am was in everyone's way. They were all looking at me. I didn't know what to do with myself.

I miss being in class. I miss learning. It is the only thing that ever feels okay. I've been reading my sister's psychology text book to her. She's at an easier university. She's going to be able to do it. She's even in school taking an 80% course load and has a part time job on the side. She's practically "normal". I'm a little jealous.

I wish I could start over, and know my limitations. I've gotten used to doing so little that doing more and even just being around people seems like it will kill me. If only it actually would, that would be nice.

Fido Message

() All we talk about is how fucked we both are. School is terrifying but will be better this isolation and depression.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

night

anxiety overwhelms, how can I relax and rest when nothing in my life feels ok. i am completely lost.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

night

when I lay down to go to sleep, I get this awful lonely, empty feeling and feel too afraid to close my eyes.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

i wish i had someone to talk to who didn't drive me crazy. but i'm crazy, so everyone does.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

saturday

I'm disgusted by all of us. We're so messy, selfish and irresponsible. We create chaos. I wish I could escape myself.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

thursday

I fell in love with him all over again today. I'd forgotten. He understands me. I love being with him.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

waiting

some days it feels like I'm just waiting impatiently for death.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

wednesday

I keep hoping I have some fatal disease.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

monday

It's never going to stop hurting. Every single day is painful.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

No more

I am overwhelmed by basic daily tasks. I can't handle life. It all just hurts too much.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

No one sees how happy he makes me. So I have no one to talk to when it's hard. They'd say "it's not worth this much stress".

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Sent from my Fido Phone

I realize that unless I change drastically, it would be selfish, but sometimes I just really want a baby. I want his baby.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

no more

I want to forget myself, all my dreams and hopes and shortcomings and failures. None of it matters. It only hurts.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

I hate myself.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

kill me

I wish I could erase my existence. I want to be swallowed up, disappear into darkness. I need it to end.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

sigh

Phone hasn't been working, this might not send. If I can't make it work with him nothing ever will.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

I passed

It feels so surreal.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

Enough Killing Time

My life is always too focused on a "him".

I once asked vegan-control-freak which seat he preferred on the subway. He admitted he liked to sit next to me with the wall on my other side, so that no one else could sit next to me. This didn't sound bad at the time. I wonder if I liked the possessiveness. I wonder if I felt safe and protected in the bubble of being "his". I've always had this stupid desire to have someone take care of me; make it all better. I need to stand on my own two feet. I need to take care of myself, be capable of independence.

From now on every day has to be about school. Everything else is secondary.

I haven't written in over a month, and all I want to say is in the first line of my last post.

I am alone.