Depression vs Anxiety

This is isn't depression. I've always thought it was, but now that I've taken an Abnormal Psychology course I know it's not.

Major Depressive Disorder comes in bursts. Suddenly you are not your normal self. You can't do the things you normally can. And if you give it time, even without medication, it will lift and you will become yourself again. It is still awful, and the cycle might repeat over and over again. But it cycles, it isn't constant.

I could have Dysthymia - a less severe, but more long term form of depression. But even that eventually cycles.

But this feeling never goes away. Not even for a day.

It's generalized anxiety and it's probably become social anxiety too.

I am always afraid.

Since dropping my courses I don't see or speak to anyone but my parents, siblings and J. It was a friend's birthday recently - one of the very very few I still see occasionally -and I ignored the invitation to her birthday. The guilt for not going and not replying in any way was horrible. But trying to get out of bed, get dressed, and go hang out with a bunch of strangers seemed too terrifying.

I went to the grocery store with my parents. They somewhat insisted, since it has been so long since I last left the house. Even just standing in the aisle I felt horribly uncomfortable. I am was in everyone's way. They were all looking at me. I didn't know what to do with myself.

I miss being in class. I miss learning. It is the only thing that ever feels okay. I've been reading my sister's psychology text book to her. She's at an easier university. She's going to be able to do it. She's even in school taking an 80% course load and has a part time job on the side. She's practically "normal". I'm a little jealous.

I wish I could start over, and know my limitations. I've gotten used to doing so little that doing more and even just being around people seems like it will kill me. If only it actually would, that would be nice.