I'm feeling less depressed today but the ADD is unbelievable. I feel excited about school but I'm doing that crazy "oh my god I want to take all these classes and go to places and buy things and learn to do a million things all at once" thing.

I'm thinking about sticking with my plan of only enrolling in this one pretty difficult math course and focusing on it, but especially in the first couple weeks I think I might sit in on a bunch of classes and if I find one particularly interesting maybe I will try to go consistently and actually follow along with the work as much as possible just to give myself an idea of what workload I'm capable of handling.

A few days ago I was laying around and thinking there is really no point. I'm turning 25 and I'm a first year student who is not capable of going full time. Does it really make sense to pursue a degree that might take me 7 or 8 years to complete? And what if after all that, I can't get into teacher's college? Should I be going to college instead so that I can actually be working full time by the time I turn 30? And if I'm not working full time before I'm 30, how do I expect to be financially secure enough that I could take time off to have kids? And even if I presume that J would be the father of these hypothetical offspring, I can't presume that he would be making enough money that could just not work.

The idea of earning enough to live off is mind boggling for me. I've always lived at home, had everything I needed. J sometimes just doesn't eat much all day because he doesn't have the cash. I can't imagine not being able to afford food. I understand the importance of not spending excessively. I couldn't care much less fashion or makeup. Kiehls and Burberry were foreign names until last year when J enlightened me. I laugh at the idea of spending more than $20 on a bottle of perfume (which would last me about 20 years if the scent didn't fade). But I can't imagine not being able to afford a tea from Tim Hortons whenever I felt like it or having to carefully budget how much money I spent on fruits and vegetables. And really, I have no idea what kind of full time work I'm capable of doing, so I have no idea how tight my budget will be.

Maybe that's why I keep trying to go to school and live at home instead of opting to work and really trying to move out. I'm terrified. My family drives me crazy, but I know that I am safe here.

It's 3am and I don't even remember what I came on here to write about. Oh yes, I have ADD. My post unraveled the same way so many things in my life unravel. I'm filled with dreams of marvel and beauty but I never seem to get anywhere closer to reaching them. I don't know how to walk through life steadily. I want to run, and if I can't run I figure there isn't much point in moving at all. I'm about to start sprinting again in September... I wonder if I'll be able to get far without collapsing.

I need to learn to slow down my pace without seeing coping out and giving up on my dreams. I need to learn to take baby steps, have patience in myself and stop expecting that I should be capable of achieving everything in one great leap. One course is manageable. This summer math course was great. It made me remember how much I actually love math when I'm working at the right level. Slow and steady, maybe I'll get there. All I can do is hope and try.

My class was going ok. I don't know remember how exactly it happened but everything just fell apart. I'm still too dizzy and overwhelmed to write with any structure so I'll retype some of the lovely, optimistic text messages I've been sending him.

I hate myself for wanting things I'm not capable of getting, and for being incapable of getting the things I want.

My head always goes back to, it's too late, I should give up. Nothing I do for the rest of my life matters. I just need to wait until I can die.

I don't want it to slowly, eventually, one day get better. I just want it all to be over.

I feel like I'm literally falling apart and I need something to hold me together or I'll crumble and collapse.

I'm a complete failure. All I do is sit around wasting time. I don't actually help anyone.

We should just give up. We won't be ok. We won't make each other happy.

I feel so alone. I will never be ok. There is no point pretending it will get better.

I want to cut myself open and bleed all over the carpet.

It's too late to do anything with my life. I'm ready to die.

I hate myself so much.

It's never going to stop hurting.

I'm so ashamed I can't stand it. I'd rather die than live as a failure.

I don't like leaving bed. It is the only place I feel safe, even when all night I keep having nightmares.

P.S. Jennie... I'm sorry I failed you too. I should have called, regardless of how I was feeling. I'm not a very good friend.