My class was going ok. I don't know remember how exactly it happened but everything just fell apart. I'm still too dizzy and overwhelmed to write with any structure so I'll retype some of the lovely, optimistic text messages I've been sending him.

I hate myself for wanting things I'm not capable of getting, and for being incapable of getting the things I want.

My head always goes back to, it's too late, I should give up. Nothing I do for the rest of my life matters. I just need to wait until I can die.

I don't want it to slowly, eventually, one day get better. I just want it all to be over.

I feel like I'm literally falling apart and I need something to hold me together or I'll crumble and collapse.

I'm a complete failure. All I do is sit around wasting time. I don't actually help anyone.

We should just give up. We won't be ok. We won't make each other happy.

I feel so alone. I will never be ok. There is no point pretending it will get better.

I want to cut myself open and bleed all over the carpet.

It's too late to do anything with my life. I'm ready to die.

I hate myself so much.

It's never going to stop hurting.

I'm so ashamed I can't stand it. I'd rather die than live as a failure.

I don't like leaving bed. It is the only place I feel safe, even when all night I keep having nightmares.

P.S. Jennie... I'm sorry I failed you too. I should have called, regardless of how I was feeling. I'm not a very good friend.