Sometimes I say to myself, I don't have ADD, I just need to try harder. I'm just being lazy, I've just gotten myself into a bad routine. Then I read stuff like this:

ADHD in Girls
It is often very easy to spot the student with a strong hyperactive component in the classroom, however spotting the quiet, undemanding, student who spends much of their time daydreaming is more of a challenge. Often, this the way that girls present in an academic setting. We do know that the inattentive sub-type is more difficult to diagnose and this is the sub-type most frequently found in females, although not exclusively. This sub-type often presents with anxiety and depression. Frequently girls are not diagnosed until adulthood when they present with these comorbidities and may even end up in the hospital after a suicide attempt. If she is lucky she will see a professional at that time who recognizes the symptoms of adult female ADHD. Unfortunately more often, she will be treated for depression and her underlying ADHD will go undiagnosed. Girls that resemble boys in their ADHD manifestation are more likely to be diagnosed and the females who do end up in the doctors office are usually the ones with more severe hyperactive symptoms. Girls who have a high level of intelligence are even less likely to be diagnosed because they are able to compensate especially if they have obsessional tendencies. Boys symptoms of hyperactivity decrease in adolescence, but girls symptoms of mood swings, anxiety and depression often increase.

Some of the Ways Girls May Present in the Classroom:

Inattentive Sub-type
* Daydreamers
* Not willing to take risks and easily discouraged
* Shy
* Easily overwhelmed
* May be under active
* Self blaming
* Anxious and depressed
* Anxiety around school performance

Hyperactive/Impulsive sub-type or combined
* Hyperactivity may be expressed in being over talkative
* Fidgety
* Bossy
* Risk taking
* Unable to keep up with work load

Other traits:
* Problems with times of transitions
* Immature
* Unable to read other's cues
* May not have friends
* Difficulty fitting in
(From: Centre for ADD/ADHD Advocacy, Canada)

I have ADHD. And I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.

I'm attempting this first year math course, yet again. If I can get through it, then maybe all this time hasn't been a waste. Maybe I can slowly, eventually, get my degree. Maybe I can go to teacher's college and become a math teacher, as I've always wanted. If I don't get through this course I have to give up on that dream and figure out what else to do with myself that will make it seem bearable to be alive.

I want to see him. He was off Friday (yesterday) and again today, which is rare since he normally works on the weekend. But all I can do is sit here worrying that I'm not doing enough to make sure I will get through this course.

I did my first assignment, which is good, but I didn't do enough practice questions from the section, so I'll have to go back to study before my first quiz. I keep forgetting to email my accessibility services contact to find out if they provide accommodations for quizzes. I'm pretty sure they don't, but if for some reason I'm wrong and I should be entitled to writing my quiz in a room by myself, with the distractions of other students around me, it would be nice to have.

He doesn't want to come here and I don't blame him. It is far and my family hasn't been nice to him for most of the time I have known him.

I know if I don't see him today I probably won't see him at this weekend, which ends with my birthday on Monday. He is working the next two days. He is working on my birthday. He didn't bother taking it off because originally my family had been talking about going out for dinner or something tonight instead of Monday, but I told my parents I didn't want to do anything that required us doing it on the weekend, so they made other plans. Their plans didn't end up working out but my grandfather is sick so my dad is just spending the night with him, as usual. Anyway, he didn't take the day off and now it is too late. So I won't see him on my birthday. I guess we should be celebrating today. But I don't want to move; I'm too worried about school and everything I should be doing instead of going out. Going out doesn't feel like it would be fun, so why should I?

I want to write more, because I'm sure these posts usually don't contain enough pertinent information to really explain how I'm feeling. But I'm too tired. It's my birthday and I'll stay home and cry if I want to...

No mentally ill person with enough sense to understand that they have a disease which has drastically effected their life and severely limited their ability to accomplish almost anything wants to celebrate the number of years that have passed in which they have failed at so many things they cared about. I'd rather lay in my own filth, waiting anxiously for death.