I'm attempting this first year math course, yet again. If I can get through it, then maybe all this time hasn't been a waste. Maybe I can slowly, eventually, get my degree. Maybe I can go to teacher's college and become a math teacher, as I've always wanted. If I don't get through this course I have to give up on that dream and figure out what else to do with myself that will make it seem bearable to be alive.

I want to see him. He was off Friday (yesterday) and again today, which is rare since he normally works on the weekend. But all I can do is sit here worrying that I'm not doing enough to make sure I will get through this course.

I did my first assignment, which is good, but I didn't do enough practice questions from the section, so I'll have to go back to study before my first quiz. I keep forgetting to email my accessibility services contact to find out if they provide accommodations for quizzes. I'm pretty sure they don't, but if for some reason I'm wrong and I should be entitled to writing my quiz in a room by myself, with the distractions of other students around me, it would be nice to have.

He doesn't want to come here and I don't blame him. It is far and my family hasn't been nice to him for most of the time I have known him.

I know if I don't see him today I probably won't see him at this weekend, which ends with my birthday on Monday. He is working the next two days. He is working on my birthday. He didn't bother taking it off because originally my family had been talking about going out for dinner or something tonight instead of Monday, but I told my parents I didn't want to do anything that required us doing it on the weekend, so they made other plans. Their plans didn't end up working out but my grandfather is sick so my dad is just spending the night with him, as usual. Anyway, he didn't take the day off and now it is too late. So I won't see him on my birthday. I guess we should be celebrating today. But I don't want to move; I'm too worried about school and everything I should be doing instead of going out. Going out doesn't feel like it would be fun, so why should I?

I want to write more, because I'm sure these posts usually don't contain enough pertinent information to really explain how I'm feeling. But I'm too tired. It's my birthday and I'll stay home and cry if I want to...