She says I just need to change the way I am looking at things. Stop eating so much sugar (I'm completely addicted). Start taking better care of my body and then things will start to look better. Everyone goes through a time in their life where things are hard and not the way they expected or wanted. People go to jail for years, people get cancer and are sick for years. This doesn't mean I can't one day be happy.
Never mind that most people would look at me and think that this is all my fault. I've wasted all my good opportunities, to make something of myself. I didn't have to work and pay for school myself. But soon my father will retire and won't be able to support me the way he has been. I've wasted all this time. It is a big deal that I'm no where near being able to move out. I can't even stand the idea of speaking to people. I feel inferior to everyone I know.
No, I just need to stop comparing myself to my cousins, all finished their degree, most pursuing grad school. I shouldn't compare myself to all the people I went to high school with who are getting married and starting their careers and writing about their amazing experiences teaching in Korea and partying with all their friends and enjoying their lives. It doesn't matter that I got better marks than them, that I was expected to do so much more. I shouldn't think about how pathetic I am compared to them now.
No, I need to compare myself to the people who have been laying in hospital beds and in jail cells. Compared to them I am doing just fine. And for this I should be grateful.
Thanks mom, I feel much better now.
I wish I did have cancer. At least I'd have an "acceptable" excuse to give people. Instead my father tells people he works with that I'm considering teachers college. He acts as if nothing is wrong. He can't tell anyone the truth. It's too embarrassing. I'm an embarrassment.
October 11, 2008
The only person who was able to motivate me to do anything when I felt this hopeless did so by talking down to me and telling me to stop being stupid. Is that what I need? Maybe he was right. I'm not depressed, my parents just spoiled me so now I cry and run away whenever things get difficult. I am not brave. I am not motivated. I am a pathetic child hiding in the corner crying, waiting for mommy and daddy to say they will take care of it; that I can go to sleep and when I wake up everything will be ok.
October 10, 2008
Knowing why doesn't help
"Depression is one of the worst forms of suffering because of the immense feelings of shame, worthlessness, hopelessness and demoralization. Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem. Many depressed patients… yearned for death and prayed every night that they would get cancer, so they could die in dignity without having to commit suicide." (Dr. Burns, "Feeling Good")
Today it doesn't even feel like depression. It feels like just knowing what a worthless human being I am. It is my fault. I'm spoiled and selfish. If I wasn't then I would be happy, I would be thankful for everything I have. But I'm not thankful. I don't care. It's not enough for me. I want more, or I want none of it. And I don't want to have to try hard. If my tiniest efforts aren't enough than forget it. I will lay here until someone forces me to move. Then I will whine and scream like a spoiled, selfish baby and refuse to understand why I need to work in any shape or form. If it won't make me happy, there is no point and I just refuse. I don't care about anyone else anymore. My mother yells, asks what I am doing with myself, am I quitting school. I tell her I don't know and she says I better figure it out. But I don't feel like I should have to. I only wonder to myself whether I could make myself stab her, but decide it wouldn't matter because that wouldn't make my life any easier, and that is the only thing I am concerned about. I want to sleep as much as possible. I want to move and think and breath as little as possible. I keep getting angry at my body for being unable to sleep for longer. I kept waking up every hour last night (this morning). Why am I writing this? I don't want to talk to anyone. Or, I want to get all this stuff out, but not have to deal with listening to a response. I don't want to answer questions, I don't want to discuss things. The only thing I want is for someone to show me how to escape.
Today it doesn't even feel like depression. It feels like just knowing what a worthless human being I am. It is my fault. I'm spoiled and selfish. If I wasn't then I would be happy, I would be thankful for everything I have. But I'm not thankful. I don't care. It's not enough for me. I want more, or I want none of it. And I don't want to have to try hard. If my tiniest efforts aren't enough than forget it. I will lay here until someone forces me to move. Then I will whine and scream like a spoiled, selfish baby and refuse to understand why I need to work in any shape or form. If it won't make me happy, there is no point and I just refuse. I don't care about anyone else anymore. My mother yells, asks what I am doing with myself, am I quitting school. I tell her I don't know and she says I better figure it out. But I don't feel like I should have to. I only wonder to myself whether I could make myself stab her, but decide it wouldn't matter because that wouldn't make my life any easier, and that is the only thing I am concerned about. I want to sleep as much as possible. I want to move and think and breath as little as possible. I keep getting angry at my body for being unable to sleep for longer. I kept waking up every hour last night (this morning). Why am I writing this? I don't want to talk to anyone. Or, I want to get all this stuff out, but not have to deal with listening to a response. I don't want to answer questions, I don't want to discuss things. The only thing I want is for someone to show me how to escape.
October 09, 2008
October 06, 2008
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