Shifting

A week ago I was laying in bed feeling like I needed to die. I felt worse than I have in years. Everything seemed pointless or terribly painful. I was certain that I am a failure, that I will never be able to do anything adequately, that I will never have a life that I feel is worth living.

I scratched my arm with a pair of scissors. Not to the point of bleeding, just to the point that it hurt. I've never done that before. When I've felt like I desperately needed to do something physical to myself in the past, I've cut my hair, but never even very drastically. But I wanted physical pain to distract from the emotional pain. I wanted a visible sign of how awful the feelings were. Maybe I wanted to be able to show someone: It hurts this much.

But as I've been healing physical, it seems I've been healing emotionally. Maybe the medication is starting to work. Maybe the cbt (which has seemed pointless at times) is helping a little. Maybe it is because for the last 5 days I have been able to spend most of the day with J, and was even able to stay over night 3 nights since his family was away.

I feel more in love than I ever have before. We both get very depressed and anxious at times. But when we are together it is easier. We understand, we are supportive. Right now we just can't be together all the time since we can't afford to move out, and being at either of our parents' places is uncomfortable. So we just need to keep trying to feel better and slowly do more.

I've missed my period for 2 months (not at all uncommon for me) but just in case I took a pregnancy test. It was negative, but what was really funny and nice was that both of us agreed that while the timing would be terrible and we would freak out and be scared and worried about things financially, we are not against the idea of having a baby together, so we couldn't see that as being something so awful. I love this man with all my heart, and I want to spend my life with him. It's very comforting to have one thing in my life that feels so good.