I'm lonely. I'm bored. I feel overwhelmed by life. It's all too much. The waking up and the eating and bathing and speaking and listening and seeing. I want to close my eyes and have it all vanish. I want happiness. I want freedom. I want to feel able to reach all the impossible dreams that I try to pretend I've given up on.

I regret it all. I wish I could change everything I've ever done. Everything is a horrible mistake. I didn't try hard enough. I still don't. I'm just so tired and it all feels so hard. And it doesn't feel like it will ever stop being nothing but hard and frustrating. I don't want to be sad and angry all the time. Maybe I'm just not cut out for living.

I should have been working. I have no money to buy christmas presents. I don't care much about having things for myself, but being able to make others happy means so much to me. I want them to smile. Maybe I think I am nothing if I can't give them something. I feel like nothing.