Resolutions I would be making if I had the energy to do anything other than watch TV:

Lose weight. It is dragging me down so much, making every movement more difficult, giving me another reason that everything is too hard and I should just give up.

Stop binge eating junk food. I eat to try to fill the void, but all I do is make myself feel sick from the dairy, anxious from the msg, and end up gaining even more weight.

Exercise. I get tired walking up even a few stairs. I feel like I might die if I run to catch a bus. My knee hurts and I constantly twist it and can't walk without a brace because I never build up enough muscle on it. I should be doing physio for it. But instead I just avoid walking even more when it hurts.

Go to class/tutorial. I haven't missed too many classes, but it really sucks that I don't go sometimes just because I feel too sad or tired and then I refuse to talk to anyone in my class to find out what I missed. As if this class isn't hard enough without also missing lecture and having to teach myself out of a textbook.

Study. I should be spending 20 hours a week studying, but for over a month I've done almost nothing at all. Just before Christmas I just lost all my energy and I haven't been able to focus on homework for 10 minutes since class started again. I didn't go to my test because there was no point sitting somewhere for 2 hours staring at a page when I was going to just get a zero anyway. I need take my books and go sit in a library and stare at my books until I start to absorb something, instead of watching TV all day because I can't focus on anything else.

Work. I only have 4 hours of class a week and have been spending no time studying. I should have a part time job. It's pathetic that I can't afford bus fare. It's not okay that I'm 25 and allow myself to be completely dependent on my father. I'm scared of people judging me, so I avoid situations where anyone might talk to me, ask me questions. At Christmas I saw a cousin I rarely see and she asked me what I was up to, kept asking more questions. I felt so pathetic and wanted to run screaming. She's two years younger, already doing her Masters. I hide in my room, let my dad take care of me, because I don't want to face how pathetic I am. I don't want more people to look at me and feel sorry for me. I'm so ashamed. But unless I want to live with my parents forever, I should be doing something for money. Even as I type that I think it's impossible to actually do what I would need to in order to get a job.

I hate myself