wednesday

I keep hoping I have some fatal disease.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

monday

It's never going to stop hurting. Every single day is painful.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

No more

I am overwhelmed by basic daily tasks. I can't handle life. It all just hurts too much.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

No one sees how happy he makes me. So I have no one to talk to when it's hard. They'd say "it's not worth this much stress".

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Sent from my Fido Phone

I realize that unless I change drastically, it would be selfish, but sometimes I just really want a baby. I want his baby.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

no more

I want to forget myself, all my dreams and hopes and shortcomings and failures. None of it matters. It only hurts.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

I hate myself.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

kill me

I wish I could erase my existence. I want to be swallowed up, disappear into darkness. I need it to end.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

sigh

Phone hasn't been working, this might not send. If I can't make it work with him nothing ever will.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

I passed

It feels so surreal.

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Sent from my Fido Phone

Enough Killing Time

My life is always too focused on a "him".

I once asked vegan-control-freak which seat he preferred on the subway. He admitted he liked to sit next to me with the wall on my other side, so that no one else could sit next to me. This didn't sound bad at the time. I wonder if I liked the possessiveness. I wonder if I felt safe and protected in the bubble of being "his". I've always had this stupid desire to have someone take care of me; make it all better. I need to stand on my own two feet. I need to take care of myself, be capable of independence.

From now on every day has to be about school. Everything else is secondary.

I haven't written in over a month, and all I want to say is in the first line of my last post.

I am alone.

I am alone.

I've done it to myself. I've been terrified for so long that half the time I don't even realize that it is fear. An old boyfriend once gave me a book about dealing with fear and I glared at him and said that although I've been depressed I'm not afraid. But that is a lie.

I don't write often because I expect people will judge what I write. I'm ashamed of the imperfection of every sentence. My thoughts are too disconnected. Everything probably sounds like some desperate pathetic plea for attention. I should keep it to myself.

Most of the time I hide. To avoid failure, to avoid rejection. Of course this also prevents me from succeeding, from being accepted, from being happy. I don't see or talk to the few people I can still call friends. Most people who used to be my friends gave up on me a long time ago. And at times I'm glad they did. I'd only continue to disappoint. The less people know me, the less people I can hurt by refusing to crawl out of bed and keep trying.

Every day I look at my parents and feel guilty. They take care of me because I refuse to take care of myself. I'm selfish in my fear. I'm not sick enough that I'm unable to do more, but I let the fear wrap itself around me. I wish it was worse, I wish the dark voices could convince me to give up completely.

I'm not a good person. It's good that I'm alone, no one should be around me.

I feel sick every day. I keep dreaming, hopefully, that I will get hit by a car or a plane will land on my house. It would be so nice if it was all just over.

Most people in their twenties are making many plans for the future. Some are applying to grad school. Some have just finished college and are looking for their first real job. Some are already working, saving money to move out on their own, buy a car or a house. Some are getting married and thinking about starting a family, or worrying about how to best take care of the family they already have. They have become adults and they are making a life for themselves. It's shocking how far away I am from all that.

I'm living day to day and it all seems to be in slow motion. While others rush around to deal with their responsibilities and run towards their goals, I don't have any plans, any destination. I have the remnants of past goals in the back of my mind -a career, a beautiful home, a partner and children- but I no longer truly expect to have any of these things. I don't expect happiness, so I don't bother trying desperately to grasp for it. Fighting for things out of my reach will just make this pointless existence even more unbearable.

Every day is the same now. I get out of bed when I can't sleep anymore. I study to fill my head with something other than despair, to help me get through the day. I keep up the appearance that I'm actually working towards something and that I have some purpose. I help my family with daily tasks. I avoid talking to anyone who might provoke me to talk about my life, what my "plans" for the future are. I just try to make every day as painless as possible.

I know I will never have the life I wanted. I will never be a normal adult who has the luxury of struggling to decide where to live, how to discipline their children, and whether or not they can afford a new tv. I have to focus on the small things I have; the sun shining in on me through the window, a good book to lose myself in, a father who will take care of me likely until I need to take care of him. I wish I could sleep through the next sixty years and have it all be over with, but instead I will just keep trying to go to sleep, wake up, and get through each day.

I decided to give math one last try. I couldn't get myself to click on that "drop course" button and essentially give up on my dream to teach. But I don't know if I can pass. I had counted out the days until my next test and figured that, since I am only taking one course, as long as I could do about 5 hours of work every single day and catch up, I could do it.

For the first week I managed to do something every day. But it wasn't enough. I'd do maybe 2 hours, with lots of breaks in between, and then it would seem late and I didn't think I could focus anymore. I started getting behind on my own "catch-up" plan. I adjusted my plan, then completely abandoned it because I kept having to scratch out the work I had planned for the next day, since I hadn't finished today's.

I have 23 days to get ready for the next test. I probably have 200 hours worth of studying to do. So I have to spend about 9 hours a day doing incredibly difficult problems that I would normally have a full week to work on. I don't have enough time. I wish I could at least skip the stuff that won't be on the test, but that would be like trying to learn to subtract before learning to add. The stuff on the test is literally the stuff from the last test (which I didn't write) in reverse.

I could not bother writing the test, but then I would fail the course if I got anything less than a 68 on the exam. Considering how difficult the course is that is a big chance to take.

I am actually more likely to fail than to pass, but it's better that I see this through to the end. By May I will know if I have any chance of pursuing a degree in math, any chance of becoming a teacher. If I don't pass I have no idea what I'll do with my life. I think I'll really stop caring.

I've always wanted to have kids and I've always wanted to teach. I think when I was in grade 4 or 5 I still thought I wanted to be a doctor, but I never really liked science so I gave up on that quite quickly. But for years I babysat and loved being around kids. And I was always helping people in my class with work, especially math. When I was in OAC I did a presentation in my economics class, and even my best friend at school just sat and stared, completely focused and interested; listening to my every word, and afterwords told me that I should definitely be a teacher.

All my life I have clung to this dream of what my life would be like. Even when I fell behind and when I had to take a year off in high school, it sucked, but it just meant my life plan would be a little delayed. The past 5 years, while I have been struggling to get only my first few university credits, I would cry and worry that I couldn't do it, but in the back of my mind I was still planning. I have notes on my computer of what problem solving questions I could create that students would find interesting. I have tutored a few high school kids and have thought about how I would need to do things differently with a full class. But now I think it might really be over.

This September I decided to take the first year math course I would need to complete in order to major in Math, so that I could use it as a "teachable" for Teacher's College. And I can't do it anymore. After the first test, I had let the homework pile up and I had so much to do. I felt so overwhelmed that I couldn't start, couldn't focus. Then Christmas break came and every day I wanted to study but other things got in the way. School started again, and I couldn't study for 5 minutes straight. It seems like the only step I need to take is to accept that my ADD will prevent me from being able to finish university courses, and I will never be a teacher.

About a year ago I started saying that I don't think I can ever have kids. Not only am I completely disorganized, but I am sad and frustrated and angry all the time. I'm just so disappointed in myself, in what I haven't been able to do, and I really don't think I would be a good influence on a child. I sent a text to J today saying, I'm a good babysitter, but I couldn't be a good mother all day everyday. And on top of my uncontrollable emotions, I can't imagine making enough money to feed myself, never mind a kid. I will probably live with my parents forever, because I know they would never kick me out. And now that all my dreams are out of reach, I don't think I care enough to try to do anything else with my life. I don't want to look at other options. I never had a backup plan. All I want is to disappear into the oblivion.

I would be so thankful if someone could please come and shoot me in my sleep tonight. Nothing is worth it anymore.

The self hatred is overwhelming. In my head millions scream and throw rocks. Sometimes it's too hard to even be awake.

I need something to drown out their voices, laughing at all my mistakes, at how predictable my failures are. I need a drug that will suck them away into a vortex. I eat until I feel sick, but everything is tasteless and the void is never filled. I try TV and if I'm lucky I get sucked in for a whole 15 minutes. Maybe I smile at a silly joke. But noticing the smile just makes it worse. I know I will never really be happy. I will never have a normal life. I go to class, but it's silly since I can't do more than 5 minutes of homework. I do just enough to keep the charade alive, to keep them from asking questions about what I am doing with my life. But I know that my whole life is a joke. I will never pull myself out of this. I've lost the desire to even get better. I just want the torture to be over.

Resolutions I would be making if I had the energy to do anything other than watch TV:

Lose weight. It is dragging me down so much, making every movement more difficult, giving me another reason that everything is too hard and I should just give up.

Stop binge eating junk food. I eat to try to fill the void, but all I do is make myself feel sick from the dairy, anxious from the msg, and end up gaining even more weight.

Exercise. I get tired walking up even a few stairs. I feel like I might die if I run to catch a bus. My knee hurts and I constantly twist it and can't walk without a brace because I never build up enough muscle on it. I should be doing physio for it. But instead I just avoid walking even more when it hurts.

Go to class/tutorial. I haven't missed too many classes, but it really sucks that I don't go sometimes just because I feel too sad or tired and then I refuse to talk to anyone in my class to find out what I missed. As if this class isn't hard enough without also missing lecture and having to teach myself out of a textbook.

Study. I should be spending 20 hours a week studying, but for over a month I've done almost nothing at all. Just before Christmas I just lost all my energy and I haven't been able to focus on homework for 10 minutes since class started again. I didn't go to my test because there was no point sitting somewhere for 2 hours staring at a page when I was going to just get a zero anyway. I need take my books and go sit in a library and stare at my books until I start to absorb something, instead of watching TV all day because I can't focus on anything else.

Work. I only have 4 hours of class a week and have been spending no time studying. I should have a part time job. It's pathetic that I can't afford bus fare. It's not okay that I'm 25 and allow myself to be completely dependent on my father. I'm scared of people judging me, so I avoid situations where anyone might talk to me, ask me questions. At Christmas I saw a cousin I rarely see and she asked me what I was up to, kept asking more questions. I felt so pathetic and wanted to run screaming. She's two years younger, already doing her Masters. I hide in my room, let my dad take care of me, because I don't want to face how pathetic I am. I don't want more people to look at me and feel sorry for me. I'm so ashamed. But unless I want to live with my parents forever, I should be doing something for money. Even as I type that I think it's impossible to actually do what I would need to in order to get a job.

I hate myself