The self hatred is overwhelming. In my head millions scream and throw rocks. Sometimes it's too hard to even be awake.

I need something to drown out their voices, laughing at all my mistakes, at how predictable my failures are. I need a drug that will suck them away into a vortex. I eat until I feel sick, but everything is tasteless and the void is never filled. I try TV and if I'm lucky I get sucked in for a whole 15 minutes. Maybe I smile at a silly joke. But noticing the smile just makes it worse. I know I will never really be happy. I will never have a normal life. I go to class, but it's silly since I can't do more than 5 minutes of homework. I do just enough to keep the charade alive, to keep them from asking questions about what I am doing with my life. But I know that my whole life is a joke. I will never pull myself out of this. I've lost the desire to even get better. I just want the torture to be over.