I've always wanted to have kids and I've always wanted to teach. I think when I was in grade 4 or 5 I still thought I wanted to be a doctor, but I never really liked science so I gave up on that quite quickly. But for years I babysat and loved being around kids. And I was always helping people in my class with work, especially math. When I was in OAC I did a presentation in my economics class, and even my best friend at school just sat and stared, completely focused and interested; listening to my every word, and afterwords told me that I should definitely be a teacher.

All my life I have clung to this dream of what my life would be like. Even when I fell behind and when I had to take a year off in high school, it sucked, but it just meant my life plan would be a little delayed. The past 5 years, while I have been struggling to get only my first few university credits, I would cry and worry that I couldn't do it, but in the back of my mind I was still planning. I have notes on my computer of what problem solving questions I could create that students would find interesting. I have tutored a few high school kids and have thought about how I would need to do things differently with a full class. But now I think it might really be over.

This September I decided to take the first year math course I would need to complete in order to major in Math, so that I could use it as a "teachable" for Teacher's College. And I can't do it anymore. After the first test, I had let the homework pile up and I had so much to do. I felt so overwhelmed that I couldn't start, couldn't focus. Then Christmas break came and every day I wanted to study but other things got in the way. School started again, and I couldn't study for 5 minutes straight. It seems like the only step I need to take is to accept that my ADD will prevent me from being able to finish university courses, and I will never be a teacher.

About a year ago I started saying that I don't think I can ever have kids. Not only am I completely disorganized, but I am sad and frustrated and angry all the time. I'm just so disappointed in myself, in what I haven't been able to do, and I really don't think I would be a good influence on a child. I sent a text to J today saying, I'm a good babysitter, but I couldn't be a good mother all day everyday. And on top of my uncontrollable emotions, I can't imagine making enough money to feed myself, never mind a kid. I will probably live with my parents forever, because I know they would never kick me out. And now that all my dreams are out of reach, I don't think I care enough to try to do anything else with my life. I don't want to look at other options. I never had a backup plan. All I want is to disappear into the oblivion.