I've always wanted to have kids and I've always wanted to teach. I think when I was in grade 4 or 5 I still thought I wanted to be a doctor, but I never really liked science so I gave up on that quite quickly. But for years I babysat and loved being around kids. And I was always helping people in my class with work, especially math. When I was in OAC I did a presentation in my economics class, and even my best friend at school just sat and stared, completely focused and interested; listening to my every word, and afterwords told me that I should definitely be a teacher.
All my life I have clung to this dream of what my life would be like. Even when I fell behind and when I had to take a year off in high school, it sucked, but it just meant my life plan would be a little delayed. The past 5 years, while I have been struggling to get only my first few university credits, I would cry and worry that I couldn't do it, but in the back of my mind I was still planning. I have notes on my computer of what problem solving questions I could create that students would find interesting. I have tutored a few high school kids and have thought about how I would need to do things differently with a full class. But now I think it might really be over.
This September I decided to take the first year math course I would need to complete in order to major in Math, so that I could use it as a "teachable" for Teacher's College. And I can't do it anymore. After the first test, I had let the homework pile up and I had so much to do. I felt so overwhelmed that I couldn't start, couldn't focus. Then Christmas break came and every day I wanted to study but other things got in the way. School started again, and I couldn't study for 5 minutes straight. It seems like the only step I need to take is to accept that my ADD will prevent me from being able to finish university courses, and I will never be a teacher.
About a year ago I started saying that I don't think I can ever have kids. Not only am I completely disorganized, but I am sad and frustrated and angry all the time. I'm just so disappointed in myself, in what I haven't been able to do, and I really don't think I would be a good influence on a child. I sent a text to J today saying, I'm a good babysitter, but I couldn't be a good mother all day everyday. And on top of my uncontrollable emotions, I can't imagine making enough money to feed myself, never mind a kid. I will probably live with my parents forever, because I know they would never kick me out. And now that all my dreams are out of reach, I don't think I care enough to try to do anything else with my life. I don't want to look at other options. I never had a backup plan. All I want is to disappear into the oblivion.
January 31, 2009
January 24, 2009
January 19, 2009
The self hatred is overwhelming. In my head millions scream and throw rocks. Sometimes it's too hard to even be awake.
I need something to drown out their voices, laughing at all my mistakes, at how predictable my failures are. I need a drug that will suck them away into a vortex. I eat until I feel sick, but everything is tasteless and the void is never filled. I try TV and if I'm lucky I get sucked in for a whole 15 minutes. Maybe I smile at a silly joke. But noticing the smile just makes it worse. I know I will never really be happy. I will never have a normal life. I go to class, but it's silly since I can't do more than 5 minutes of homework. I do just enough to keep the charade alive, to keep them from asking questions about what I am doing with my life. But I know that my whole life is a joke. I will never pull myself out of this. I've lost the desire to even get better. I just want the torture to be over.
I need something to drown out their voices, laughing at all my mistakes, at how predictable my failures are. I need a drug that will suck them away into a vortex. I eat until I feel sick, but everything is tasteless and the void is never filled. I try TV and if I'm lucky I get sucked in for a whole 15 minutes. Maybe I smile at a silly joke. But noticing the smile just makes it worse. I know I will never really be happy. I will never have a normal life. I go to class, but it's silly since I can't do more than 5 minutes of homework. I do just enough to keep the charade alive, to keep them from asking questions about what I am doing with my life. But I know that my whole life is a joke. I will never pull myself out of this. I've lost the desire to even get better. I just want the torture to be over.
January 18, 2009
Resolutions I would be making if I had the energy to do anything other than watch TV:
Lose weight. It is dragging me down so much, making every movement more difficult, giving me another reason that everything is too hard and I should just give up.
Stop binge eating junk food. I eat to try to fill the void, but all I do is make myself feel sick from the dairy, anxious from the msg, and end up gaining even more weight.
Exercise. I get tired walking up even a few stairs. I feel like I might die if I run to catch a bus. My knee hurts and I constantly twist it and can't walk without a brace because I never build up enough muscle on it. I should be doing physio for it. But instead I just avoid walking even more when it hurts.
Go to class/tutorial. I haven't missed too many classes, but it really sucks that I don't go sometimes just because I feel too sad or tired and then I refuse to talk to anyone in my class to find out what I missed. As if this class isn't hard enough without also missing lecture and having to teach myself out of a textbook.
Study. I should be spending 20 hours a week studying, but for over a month I've done almost nothing at all. Just before Christmas I just lost all my energy and I haven't been able to focus on homework for 10 minutes since class started again. I didn't go to my test because there was no point sitting somewhere for 2 hours staring at a page when I was going to just get a zero anyway. I need take my books and go sit in a library and stare at my books until I start to absorb something, instead of watching TV all day because I can't focus on anything else.
Work. I only have 4 hours of class a week and have been spending no time studying. I should have a part time job. It's pathetic that I can't afford bus fare. It's not okay that I'm 25 and allow myself to be completely dependent on my father. I'm scared of people judging me, so I avoid situations where anyone might talk to me, ask me questions. At Christmas I saw a cousin I rarely see and she asked me what I was up to, kept asking more questions. I felt so pathetic and wanted to run screaming. She's two years younger, already doing her Masters. I hide in my room, let my dad take care of me, because I don't want to face how pathetic I am. I don't want more people to look at me and feel sorry for me. I'm so ashamed. But unless I want to live with my parents forever, I should be doing something for money. Even as I type that I think it's impossible to actually do what I would need to in order to get a job.
I hate myself
Lose weight. It is dragging me down so much, making every movement more difficult, giving me another reason that everything is too hard and I should just give up.
Stop binge eating junk food. I eat to try to fill the void, but all I do is make myself feel sick from the dairy, anxious from the msg, and end up gaining even more weight.
Exercise. I get tired walking up even a few stairs. I feel like I might die if I run to catch a bus. My knee hurts and I constantly twist it and can't walk without a brace because I never build up enough muscle on it. I should be doing physio for it. But instead I just avoid walking even more when it hurts.
Go to class/tutorial. I haven't missed too many classes, but it really sucks that I don't go sometimes just because I feel too sad or tired and then I refuse to talk to anyone in my class to find out what I missed. As if this class isn't hard enough without also missing lecture and having to teach myself out of a textbook.
Study. I should be spending 20 hours a week studying, but for over a month I've done almost nothing at all. Just before Christmas I just lost all my energy and I haven't been able to focus on homework for 10 minutes since class started again. I didn't go to my test because there was no point sitting somewhere for 2 hours staring at a page when I was going to just get a zero anyway. I need take my books and go sit in a library and stare at my books until I start to absorb something, instead of watching TV all day because I can't focus on anything else.
Work. I only have 4 hours of class a week and have been spending no time studying. I should have a part time job. It's pathetic that I can't afford bus fare. It's not okay that I'm 25 and allow myself to be completely dependent on my father. I'm scared of people judging me, so I avoid situations where anyone might talk to me, ask me questions. At Christmas I saw a cousin I rarely see and she asked me what I was up to, kept asking more questions. I felt so pathetic and wanted to run screaming. She's two years younger, already doing her Masters. I hide in my room, let my dad take care of me, because I don't want to face how pathetic I am. I don't want more people to look at me and feel sorry for me. I'm so ashamed. But unless I want to live with my parents forever, I should be doing something for money. Even as I type that I think it's impossible to actually do what I would need to in order to get a job.
I hate myself
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