When I think about the accomplishments and talents of others I feel sad. I don't wish them any harm, and feel happy that they were able to succeed. But I feel jealous and inferior for not being as good as them.
It doesn't matter if they have achieved something I would never even attempt and therefore don't have much interest in. I wish I was good at everything. I am jealous of artistic talent because I have none. I am jealous of those who can describe important historic events in detail because I've never been able to retain those kind of details. I am jealous of those who are popular because I've never had many friends. I am jealous of people who are athletic because I am clumsy and out of shape.
Then there are the things that really matter to me; being an intelligent and productive student; being a loving friend, girlfriend, daughter and sister. I am disappointed constantly when I compare my behaviour to that of others. I am jealous of those who have finished university, have worked consistently. I hate myself for not keeping in touch with friends, not being able to do more to help my family, not being around at all times when my boyfriend is sad.
I wasted a lot of time tonight analyzing how I've spent my time over the past couple weeks. I never seem to get much done, but I have no idea what category to cut down on. I want to do more of everything. There just doesn't seem to be enough time. I want to be better at everything. I hate myself for not being able to do everything all the time. I feel guilty for not being perfect. I am jealous of those who seem to be more perfect than me. Why is it that ignore the faults of others when I compare myself to them? Maybe I've already decided I'm inferior, so I need to ignore certain details so I can continue to hold onto that belief. But the belief is so strong, that I can't accept that it is distorted.
His ex was awful. She was cruel, hurtful, selfish. But she acted nice and so everyone liked her. She was brilliant. She completed two degrees and was offered the chance to do a phd without having finished her masters. He liked her enough that he decided he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. It doesn't matter that she was a crazy bitch, I still believe she's better than me. It doesn't matter that she is 8 years older. I hate myself for not having accomplished the same things. I tell myself that it doesn't matter that I am kind and loving and supportive, because I haven't done well enough in school compared to her. How ridiculous is that?
His mother takes photos while walking around the city and posts them online. Occasionally I will look at her flickr page. But often when I do I feel disappointed that I would never be able to take pictures as well as she does. I have no sense of how to frame a shot. I have no idea what images would look better in black and white. It makes me feel boring and wish that I was capable of some kind of creative expression that would make others ohh and ahhh the way hers sometimes do. I am jealous that I don't have a hobby that I enjoy as much as she enjoys photography.
And I'm terrified of being around others because I assume they will judge me just as harshly as I judge myself. But even as I write this, I don't believe I judge myself harshly. I believe I should be perfect. I believe all my failures are due to laziness, selfishness and lack of motivation. I believe I just don't try hard enough. I hate myself for not being able to simply ignore this depression and move on.
June 15, 2008
June 12, 2008
Fear
I am afraid that it will never get better. I am afraid I will never be able to do all the things I dream of. I am afraid that I will never feel strong enough to even do simple things like go to work five days a week. There have been few, brief periods of my life that I was able to work or go to school consistently. I am afraid that I will never be able to take care of myself financially. Or I will manage to work, but will not be able to finish the schooling to get a job I will actually enjoy. I am afraid I will end up angry and bitter. I have been spoiled. I don't know how I will adjust to having to support myself. I am afraid that for some unknown reason, things won't work out with him. I worry we will change, we will fight, that I won't be good enough, that he will be like everyone else and just get frustrated and angry with me.
I'm afraid I will never truly be happy. It scares me so much, that I crawl into bed and hide under the covers and can only find comfort in pretending that nothing is real, I am not here, it is all a dream and soon I will wake up to my real, perfect existence.
I'm afraid I will never truly be happy. It scares me so much, that I crawl into bed and hide under the covers and can only find comfort in pretending that nothing is real, I am not here, it is all a dream and soon I will wake up to my real, perfect existence.
June 10, 2008
All is calm...
and then it starts over again.
The walls creep together, so slowly at first that I barely notice, and then suddenly I am trapped. The black ooze drips down. It piles up and rises to my chin. I try to move, but it hardens around my legs.
I've been through this before. A faint light shines above, but there is no point struggling to reach it. I will not win. So I let myself sink. The familiarity of drowning is almost comfortable. I let the black cover my face. I let myself disappear into the darkness.
The walls creep together, so slowly at first that I barely notice, and then suddenly I am trapped. The black ooze drips down. It piles up and rises to my chin. I try to move, but it hardens around my legs.
I've been through this before. A faint light shines above, but there is no point struggling to reach it. I will not win. So I let myself sink. The familiarity of drowning is almost comfortable. I let the black cover my face. I let myself disappear into the darkness.
June 07, 2008
Appointment #2
I don't particularly like my therapist but I think she will be good for me.
She doesn't seem very kind and doesn't express a great deal of empathy. She sticks to the task at hand, asks me for few, specific details about my feelings in certain situations and goes on to show me what cbt techniques to use for following week. At first I thought that her unemotional, professional manner would bother me and make seeing her pointless. But it might be exactly what I need.
At times I miss my old psychiatrist. I miss having someone to blabber on and on to about how I am feeling, what is upsetting and frustrating me and how people don't understand. I miss having my thoughts and feelings validated.
But I don't need a shoulder to cry on, someone to sit and passively listening to my sorrows. I need to someone to help me feel better. And she just might. Even if she is only really supervising me while I use Mind Over Mood as a tool to help myself, maybe all I really need is a "coach" to keep me motivated and reassure me that doing this therapy is important.
And if it doesn't help, I will find someone else to talk to.
She doesn't seem very kind and doesn't express a great deal of empathy. She sticks to the task at hand, asks me for few, specific details about my feelings in certain situations and goes on to show me what cbt techniques to use for following week. At first I thought that her unemotional, professional manner would bother me and make seeing her pointless. But it might be exactly what I need.
At times I miss my old psychiatrist. I miss having someone to blabber on and on to about how I am feeling, what is upsetting and frustrating me and how people don't understand. I miss having my thoughts and feelings validated.
But I don't need a shoulder to cry on, someone to sit and passively listening to my sorrows. I need to someone to help me feel better. And she just might. Even if she is only really supervising me while I use Mind Over Mood as a tool to help myself, maybe all I really need is a "coach" to keep me motivated and reassure me that doing this therapy is important.
And if it doesn't help, I will find someone else to talk to.
June 06, 2008
Age-activated ADD
My mom received this email forward. I guess I'm just like a typical 50-60 year old homemaker.
AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Coffee aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coffee is getting cold,
And I decide to make another cup.
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coffee on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Coffee aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coffee is getting cold,
And I decide to make another cup.
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coffee on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
June 05, 2008
Positive Thinking
For the moment, I am actually happy.
Not the silly, immature happy of the 13-year-old me (A boy likes me, now I can be happy!) and not the happy that is based on a random accomplishment (oh look, I got an A, that must mean I'm a good person). I like myself. I love myself. I believe that things will be okay.
I am giving myself credit for all the little things I did yesterday which I usually ignore. I did 3 loads of laundry. I reviewed math and then tutored. I made a healthy dinner for everyone. I vacuumed my room, something I've wanted to do all week. I printed my sister's project at Staples and then walked back home. I took Toby for a walk. I washed and ate raspberries. I ate a piece of cake, but I took time to really enjoy it instead of stuffing my face without thinking.
Seeing myself be productive helps with my mood. Sometimes this makes me think that working would help, as long as it wasn't something as complicated as the bank. But really, I want to teach math. So in July I will take a course that is a review of high school math and help Jaclyn get through summer school. Then in September I will take first year math. If I can't get through it, then that will be okay. I can teach something different or I can think about being a guidance counsellor or therapist. I just need to see what I am capable of and find something I can do which I will also enjoy.
I have struggled. I have tripped and fallen. I have felt like I couldn't move, sitting in the bottom of a giant hole. But I can get back up. I am strong enough. I am a good person. I am smart and loving and motivated. I can create a life for myself. I can be happy.
Not the silly, immature happy of the 13-year-old me (A boy likes me, now I can be happy!) and not the happy that is based on a random accomplishment (oh look, I got an A, that must mean I'm a good person). I like myself. I love myself. I believe that things will be okay.
I am giving myself credit for all the little things I did yesterday which I usually ignore. I did 3 loads of laundry. I reviewed math and then tutored. I made a healthy dinner for everyone. I vacuumed my room, something I've wanted to do all week. I printed my sister's project at Staples and then walked back home. I took Toby for a walk. I washed and ate raspberries. I ate a piece of cake, but I took time to really enjoy it instead of stuffing my face without thinking.
Seeing myself be productive helps with my mood. Sometimes this makes me think that working would help, as long as it wasn't something as complicated as the bank. But really, I want to teach math. So in July I will take a course that is a review of high school math and help Jaclyn get through summer school. Then in September I will take first year math. If I can't get through it, then that will be okay. I can teach something different or I can think about being a guidance counsellor or therapist. I just need to see what I am capable of and find something I can do which I will also enjoy.
I have struggled. I have tripped and fallen. I have felt like I couldn't move, sitting in the bottom of a giant hole. But I can get back up. I am strong enough. I am a good person. I am smart and loving and motivated. I can create a life for myself. I can be happy.
June 03, 2008
Learning with ADHD
Partially because I've felt obligated and partially because I needed some kind of income, I have been tutoring a grade 9 student for the last couple months.
You would expect this to be relatively easy given for me that it is only grade 9 and I took all advanced high school math courses and even got 1/3 of the way through first year calculus with a 70. But it's been 3 years since I last attempted that calculus course, and 5 years since I successfully completely OAC math. AND the kid has ADHD. So it's been pretty stressful at times.
Also, in order to appear competent enough that be viewed as a respectable tutor, I have had to lie and say I am in school now even though I'm not. I've had to have so many conversations about what university in general is like and what my classes I am taking that at times I almost believe I've been in school this year, when I haven't!
Every time I have to go over there, I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I think he'll ask me a question and I won't be able to explain it. I think his mom will blame me for the fact that he's still failing. I think they will somehow find out that I am a fraud.
But almost every time I leave, I feel better. Sometimes we don't get as much done as we probably should, because he constantly starts talking about things that happened at school and asking what university is like and have I ever done any drugs and do I believe in God. (He's very talkative and curious about everything.) But I would rather be someone he feels comfortable talking to, who makes studying a bit less stressful, than a strict teacher who refuses to let him talk until his work is done. And I know that I am helping him. Some of the stuff is different curriculum than I took and I need to teach myself a little in order to help him, but the majority of the time I can just explain it to him and create practice questions on the spot.
The only thing that sucks is that he really has a hard time with it, so he is still not doing very well. I know that he gets it when we do questions together, but on tests he freezes up and becomes unsure about where to start and just guesses at the answer. I need to keep reminding myself that when he just can't get something, it is because he needs more time and needs to learn at a slower pace. Even if he fails the course, it doesn't mean that I am a failure.
At the same time, working with someone who really has a lot of trouble with the material has been a good challenge for me. It has made me think a lot more about different ways to explain the material. Hopefully it has taught me something about how to be a good teacher.
You would expect this to be relatively easy given for me that it is only grade 9 and I took all advanced high school math courses and even got 1/3 of the way through first year calculus with a 70. But it's been 3 years since I last attempted that calculus course, and 5 years since I successfully completely OAC math. AND the kid has ADHD. So it's been pretty stressful at times.
Also, in order to appear competent enough that be viewed as a respectable tutor, I have had to lie and say I am in school now even though I'm not. I've had to have so many conversations about what university in general is like and what my classes I am taking that at times I almost believe I've been in school this year, when I haven't!
Every time I have to go over there, I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I think he'll ask me a question and I won't be able to explain it. I think his mom will blame me for the fact that he's still failing. I think they will somehow find out that I am a fraud.
But almost every time I leave, I feel better. Sometimes we don't get as much done as we probably should, because he constantly starts talking about things that happened at school and asking what university is like and have I ever done any drugs and do I believe in God. (He's very talkative and curious about everything.) But I would rather be someone he feels comfortable talking to, who makes studying a bit less stressful, than a strict teacher who refuses to let him talk until his work is done. And I know that I am helping him. Some of the stuff is different curriculum than I took and I need to teach myself a little in order to help him, but the majority of the time I can just explain it to him and create practice questions on the spot.
The only thing that sucks is that he really has a hard time with it, so he is still not doing very well. I know that he gets it when we do questions together, but on tests he freezes up and becomes unsure about where to start and just guesses at the answer. I need to keep reminding myself that when he just can't get something, it is because he needs more time and needs to learn at a slower pace. Even if he fails the course, it doesn't mean that I am a failure.
At the same time, working with someone who really has a lot of trouble with the material has been a good challenge for me. It has made me think a lot more about different ways to explain the material. Hopefully it has taught me something about how to be a good teacher.
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