Positive Thinking

For the moment, I am actually happy.

Not the silly, immature happy of the 13-year-old me (A boy likes me, now I can be happy!) and not the happy that is based on a random accomplishment (oh look, I got an A, that must mean I'm a good person). I like myself. I love myself. I believe that things will be okay.

I am giving myself credit for all the little things I did yesterday which I usually ignore. I did 3 loads of laundry. I reviewed math and then tutored. I made a healthy dinner for everyone. I vacuumed my room, something I've wanted to do all week. I printed my sister's project at Staples and then walked back home. I took Toby for a walk. I washed and ate raspberries. I ate a piece of cake, but I took time to really enjoy it instead of stuffing my face without thinking.

Seeing myself be productive helps with my mood. Sometimes this makes me think that working would help, as long as it wasn't something as complicated as the bank. But really, I want to teach math. So in July I will take a course that is a review of high school math and help Jaclyn get through summer school. Then in September I will take first year math. If I can't get through it, then that will be okay. I can teach something different or I can think about being a guidance counsellor or therapist. I just need to see what I am capable of and find something I can do which I will also enjoy.

I have struggled. I have tripped and fallen. I have felt like I couldn't move, sitting in the bottom of a giant hole. But I can get back up. I am strong enough. I am a good person. I am smart and loving and motivated. I can create a life for myself. I can be happy.