Jealousy

When I think about the accomplishments and talents of others I feel sad. I don't wish them any harm, and feel happy that they were able to succeed. But I feel jealous and inferior for not being as good as them.

It doesn't matter if they have achieved something I would never even attempt and therefore don't have much interest in. I wish I was good at everything. I am jealous of artistic talent because I have none. I am jealous of those who can describe important historic events in detail because I've never been able to retain those kind of details. I am jealous of those who are popular because I've never had many friends. I am jealous of people who are athletic because I am clumsy and out of shape.

Then there are the things that really matter to me; being an intelligent and productive student; being a loving friend, girlfriend, daughter and sister. I am disappointed constantly when I compare my behaviour to that of others. I am jealous of those who have finished university, have worked consistently. I hate myself for not keeping in touch with friends, not being able to do more to help my family, not being around at all times when my boyfriend is sad.

I wasted a lot of time tonight analyzing how I've spent my time over the past couple weeks. I never seem to get much done, but I have no idea what category to cut down on. I want to do more of everything. There just doesn't seem to be enough time. I want to be better at everything. I hate myself for not being able to do everything all the time. I feel guilty for not being perfect. I am jealous of those who seem to be more perfect than me. Why is it that ignore the faults of others when I compare myself to them? Maybe I've already decided I'm inferior, so I need to ignore certain details so I can continue to hold onto that belief. But the belief is so strong, that I can't accept that it is distorted.

His ex was awful. She was cruel, hurtful, selfish. But she acted nice and so everyone liked her. She was brilliant. She completed two degrees and was offered the chance to do a phd without having finished her masters. He liked her enough that he decided he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. It doesn't matter that she was a crazy bitch, I still believe she's better than me. It doesn't matter that she is 8 years older. I hate myself for not having accomplished the same things. I tell myself that it doesn't matter that I am kind and loving and supportive, because I haven't done well enough in school compared to her. How ridiculous is that?

His mother takes photos while walking around the city and posts them online. Occasionally I will look at her flickr page. But often when I do I feel disappointed that I would never be able to take pictures as well as she does. I have no sense of how to frame a shot. I have no idea what images would look better in black and white. It makes me feel boring and wish that I was capable of some kind of creative expression that would make others ohh and ahhh the way hers sometimes do. I am jealous that I don't have a hobby that I enjoy as much as she enjoys photography.

And I'm terrified of being around others because I assume they will judge me just as harshly as I judge myself. But even as I write this, I don't believe I judge myself harshly. I believe I should be perfect. I believe all my failures are due to laziness, selfishness and lack of motivation. I believe I just don't try hard enough. I hate myself for not being able to simply ignore this depression and move on.