I'm fat
I'm ugly
I'm lazy
I'm messy
I'm unmotivated
I'm stupid
I'm selfish
I'm pathetic
May 30, 2008
May 26, 2008
Do what I say...
My sister won't get out of bed to go to school. It's just like with me. She has no normal schedule, she has no idea how to get anything done in a reasonable amount of time. She stays up late chatting and trying to finish homework she didn't get around to earlier and then is exhausted and unable to get up in the morning.
My mother has something to do this morning so she's up before 9 (which doesn't happen often). She just keeps yelling at her, "what the fuck is wrong with you," and complaining about the fact that my sister doesn't eat better, sleep at normal times, manage her time better - all things my mother doesn't do herself.
I want to walk into her room at 9 am tomorrow, when she'd dead tired still (from staying up till 1 am watching tv or doing dishes she didn't get around to earlier), and scream at her, "the house is a revolting disaster and is driving you and your husband (who is working as always to support you and all your kids) crazy, and you're still in bed - what the fuck is wrong with you??"
P.S. please forgive me for being so indecisive about whether or not I should keep this public :S
My mother has something to do this morning so she's up before 9 (which doesn't happen often). She just keeps yelling at her, "what the fuck is wrong with you," and complaining about the fact that my sister doesn't eat better, sleep at normal times, manage her time better - all things my mother doesn't do herself.
I want to walk into her room at 9 am tomorrow, when she'd dead tired still (from staying up till 1 am watching tv or doing dishes she didn't get around to earlier), and scream at her, "the house is a revolting disaster and is driving you and your husband (who is working as always to support you and all your kids) crazy, and you're still in bed - what the fuck is wrong with you??"
P.S. please forgive me for being so indecisive about whether or not I should keep this public :S
May 25, 2008
Mood
This week (starting last friday) for CBT I've been filling in a Worksheet to track my mood, specifically the severity of my "Depression" every hour of the day. 100 means totally depressed, 0 means happy. It's been a little annoying trying to keep track of it and sometimes I find it difficult to describe my mood with just a number, but it's been okay and sometimes pretty interesting to pay that much attention to how my mood shifts all day long.
Today I had my first 10. As I was leaving he said, "thank you... it's been a really nice weekend." It was Doors Open so we went to a bunch of touristy places around the city and just walked around. It was nice to walk around with a sense of direction instead of our usual wandering and having to figure out which direction to go next, although even that is really nice most of the time (until my legs feel like they are going to fall off :P).
It's funny how much knowing he was happy improved my mood. I was already feeling better since I'd been out with him instead of laying around at home doing nothing, but when he actually said something about it I couldn't help but smile. It makes me happy when I see him happy.
When it's just the two of us and we're not focusing on all the things we are struggling with it's just really nice. And even when we are talking about the things that are hard, we both get each other enough that talking about it with each other helps. I wish I could put the comfort of feeling truly understood into words.
Today I had my first 10. As I was leaving he said, "thank you... it's been a really nice weekend." It was Doors Open so we went to a bunch of touristy places around the city and just walked around. It was nice to walk around with a sense of direction instead of our usual wandering and having to figure out which direction to go next, although even that is really nice most of the time (until my legs feel like they are going to fall off :P).
It's funny how much knowing he was happy improved my mood. I was already feeling better since I'd been out with him instead of laying around at home doing nothing, but when he actually said something about it I couldn't help but smile. It makes me happy when I see him happy.
When it's just the two of us and we're not focusing on all the things we are struggling with it's just really nice. And even when we are talking about the things that are hard, we both get each other enough that talking about it with each other helps. I wish I could put the comfort of feeling truly understood into words.
May 24, 2008
:(
My parents will always worry about everything. They will always think that the fact that he was married, borrowed money from me and is unable to work (even if it's temporary) mean that he's not the ideal person for me.
He cares what they think. We both do. But he will eventually get so frustrated with the uncomfortable way they act around him and decide to be completely indifferent to them.
How do I handle being close to them (and living with them) and being with him at the same time?
He cares what they think. We both do. But he will eventually get so frustrated with the uncomfortable way they act around him and decide to be completely indifferent to them.
How do I handle being close to them (and living with them) and being with him at the same time?
May 23, 2008
It hurts
Dad says,
I hate the situation. It is awful and painful and sucks.
But what does he expect me to do? Never see him because of money issues? Stop being with him because we're both sick and therefore should be denied the opportunity to have a loving, supportive realtionship?
Now I feel like I can't breathe.
P.S. my therapist at CAMH is some student and will likely treat me as a textbook case, in a straightforward manner with little emotion. Perfect.
So he's not working at all?
So why doesn't he just try to find something else?
Can't he at least get a low stress job?
So he's just going to live off his parents?
It's not like he's a kid anymore.
It just doesn't seem fair to you.
You shouldn't have to deal with his stuff on top of your own.
I don't know what you'll do if neither of you can work.
I hope you're saving some of your money (from tutoring).
I hope you're not trying to support two people.
I hate the situation. It is awful and painful and sucks.
But what does he expect me to do? Never see him because of money issues? Stop being with him because we're both sick and therefore should be denied the opportunity to have a loving, supportive realtionship?
Now I feel like I can't breathe.
P.S. my therapist at CAMH is some student and will likely treat me as a textbook case, in a straightforward manner with little emotion. Perfect.
Appointment #1
I have my first appointment in 2 and a half hours.
I don't want to go.
I'm scared it will be pointless. I'm scared I won't like the counselor. I don't know what I will say. I don't know if anything will help. Part of me has already given up so much that it seems silly to go.
Last week I saw the Dr who would prescribe me medication if I decide to take it. I said that sometimes I feel like there is no point in trying, so I would be less likely to take medication because I don't believe there is a point in doing anything. She said I need to make the decision to let them help me. If they said that to me today, I'd probably say, "forget it, I don't want help" and walk out.
I don't know what I want. I'm just sick of feeling like this.
I don't want to go.
I'm scared it will be pointless. I'm scared I won't like the counselor. I don't know what I will say. I don't know if anything will help. Part of me has already given up so much that it seems silly to go.
Last week I saw the Dr who would prescribe me medication if I decide to take it. I said that sometimes I feel like there is no point in trying, so I would be less likely to take medication because I don't believe there is a point in doing anything. She said I need to make the decision to let them help me. If they said that to me today, I'd probably say, "forget it, I don't want help" and walk out.
I don't know what I want. I'm just sick of feeling like this.
Money
I've been snapping at him for no reason. Feeling more frustrated than usual with the fact that I can't see him without having to spend money.
I know he is in debt and it sucks and I don't want him to feel more stressed than he already is. But it shouldn't be my responsibility. We're both living at home, we're both basically not working. I tutor once a week and spend every penny on eating out with him and tickets. It's frustrating.
He should be asking his parents for money. But obviously he doesn't want to because then they will be even more annoyed with him for not working. And it's true that they don't budget for having to give him money for things like going out. He's worked since he was 16, they haven't had to give him money in 10 years. But he's their kid and went through a lot of stuff and doesn't feel like he can work.
I can't even go over there because it's still awkward for him. So if I want to see him, then I just have to pay.
I know he is in debt and it sucks and I don't want him to feel more stressed than he already is. But it shouldn't be my responsibility. We're both living at home, we're both basically not working. I tutor once a week and spend every penny on eating out with him and tickets. It's frustrating.
He should be asking his parents for money. But obviously he doesn't want to because then they will be even more annoyed with him for not working. And it's true that they don't budget for having to give him money for things like going out. He's worked since he was 16, they haven't had to give him money in 10 years. But he's their kid and went through a lot of stuff and doesn't feel like he can work.
I can't even go over there because it's still awkward for him. So if I want to see him, then I just have to pay.
May 22, 2008
May 21, 2008
I can't seem to focus my thoughts well enough to write articulately, but I will try to get something down anyway.
Parents are fighting a lot about the house being a mess. I feel responsible and guilty for not doing more, but I've been so depressed that it's hard to do anything. My room is filled with piles of clutter and covered in dust which is probably making me feel even worse since I'm allergic to dust mites, but doing anything about it just feels so hard.
J was over today. It is so stressful having him here when my parents are around. They act like they don't like him or try to pretend he just isn't there. They don't speak to him and every time I say he is coming over they look annoyed, probably because they think it means I will be less productive while he's around. What doesn't occur to them is that if I didn't see him I'd likely feel a lot worse.
Whenever my dad sees he is here, just sitting and watching tv with me, he assumes I must be "feeling better". Today I was actually only sitting there because I felt too awful to move, even to go for a walk. J was out of the room for a minute and my dad says, "you could at least help your mom plant some flowers."
First, my mom was watching tv and didn't seem like she was planning to plant flowers.
Second, "you could at least" - which implies that I am doing nothing, and that is not okay. I should be doing more. It's not okay that I lay around being depressed. I need to just stop, get up and do something. If I'm well enough to see J, I'm well enough to be doing more.
I felt so overwhelmed and guilty that I couldn't do anything but cry for half an hour. I could have just told him I really didn't feel well, and wasn't up to doing anything, but when he says little things like that and I can tell he thinks I am just being lazy, it makes me so sad that I can't even express myself to him. I can't handle disappointing them. It makes me feel so worthless.
Then I felt like I should have just told J to leave, so that I could just go back to bed, but then I'd feel guilty about not spending time with him. So I get to choose to either disappoint him or my parents. Lots of fun.
Being sick means I can choose either to have my parents be patient and understanding of the fact that I am depressed OR to see my nice, understanding boyfriend, but I can't have both.
This whole post seems so stupid and childish. My problems aren't "real" problems. I should be thankful I am alive and physically healthy and have a safe place to live. I should be happy that my parents are still willing to take care of me and I don't need to be living on social assistance.
I'm just so sad and it sucks that being around the one person who I love more than anything means annoying my parents which in turn makes me feel guilty and sad. At times it feels like it's almost not worth seeing him, because I just end up feeling worse when I see their reaction.
Parents are fighting a lot about the house being a mess. I feel responsible and guilty for not doing more, but I've been so depressed that it's hard to do anything. My room is filled with piles of clutter and covered in dust which is probably making me feel even worse since I'm allergic to dust mites, but doing anything about it just feels so hard.
J was over today. It is so stressful having him here when my parents are around. They act like they don't like him or try to pretend he just isn't there. They don't speak to him and every time I say he is coming over they look annoyed, probably because they think it means I will be less productive while he's around. What doesn't occur to them is that if I didn't see him I'd likely feel a lot worse.
Whenever my dad sees he is here, just sitting and watching tv with me, he assumes I must be "feeling better". Today I was actually only sitting there because I felt too awful to move, even to go for a walk. J was out of the room for a minute and my dad says, "you could at least help your mom plant some flowers."
First, my mom was watching tv and didn't seem like she was planning to plant flowers.
Second, "you could at least" - which implies that I am doing nothing, and that is not okay. I should be doing more. It's not okay that I lay around being depressed. I need to just stop, get up and do something. If I'm well enough to see J, I'm well enough to be doing more.
I felt so overwhelmed and guilty that I couldn't do anything but cry for half an hour. I could have just told him I really didn't feel well, and wasn't up to doing anything, but when he says little things like that and I can tell he thinks I am just being lazy, it makes me so sad that I can't even express myself to him. I can't handle disappointing them. It makes me feel so worthless.
Then I felt like I should have just told J to leave, so that I could just go back to bed, but then I'd feel guilty about not spending time with him. So I get to choose to either disappoint him or my parents. Lots of fun.
Being sick means I can choose either to have my parents be patient and understanding of the fact that I am depressed OR to see my nice, understanding boyfriend, but I can't have both.
This whole post seems so stupid and childish. My problems aren't "real" problems. I should be thankful I am alive and physically healthy and have a safe place to live. I should be happy that my parents are still willing to take care of me and I don't need to be living on social assistance.
I'm just so sad and it sucks that being around the one person who I love more than anything means annoying my parents which in turn makes me feel guilty and sad. At times it feels like it's almost not worth seeing him, because I just end up feeling worse when I see their reaction.
May 20, 2008
Love
I look at posts in my old blog, from when I first met him. The happiness I express seems so strange now. I know that I love him and don't want to be anyone else. But I don't feel the same enthusiasm and optimism.
I don't believe that I've ever actually been happy. I can recall writing those things and know that I did mean them at the time. But I'm so sad lately that it all seems foolish.
I don't believe that I've ever actually been happy. I can recall writing those things and know that I did mean them at the time. But I'm so sad lately that it all seems foolish.
I used to think being in love would make things easier, that it would make life seem more worth living. Most of the time it just doesn't. Maybe I've started to take it for granted; having someone around who will likely always accept me, love me, understand me. It's just so hard to be happy with someone when you're not happy with yourself.
Enough
I'm overwhelmed with guilt. I feel like I should be doing so much more for those around me. I can't even decide what I would like, what I want, because my head is filled with all these ideas what I should do and be.
He got annoyed at me about something trivial yesterday. It was only because he had other things on his mind (just found out his grandfather is sick), but of course I can't help seeing his getting upset as my fault. If I was a better girlfriend I would be able to tell how he was feeling and know what to do to avoid annoying him.
Then there are all the shoulds with my family. I should stay here and not let him come over. I should clean my house, make sure my sister goes to school, help with my grandfather, or even go get a job and make some money so I can stop being dependent on my parents financially. I should exercise so I can stop looking like such a fat cow. I should be vegan so the I won't keep feeling worse because I fill my body with garbage just because I'm too lazy to fight with my addiction to sugar.
It's been really frustrating living here lately, being treated like I'm still 16 because I've been too sick to finish school or work. I hate that as long as I am sick I will be treated like a helpless child who is incapable of making her own choices.
Then again, maybe I am too immature to make my own choices, since nothing I do ever seems good enough.
I'm not a good enough girlfriend.
I'm not a good enough daughter.
I'm not a good enough friend.
I'm not a good enough lover.
I'm not a good enough sister.
I wish I was a snail on the sidewalk. A passerby could easily crush me without notice. My death could be quick and simple and cause them no guilt. I want it all to be over without causing pain to anyone else. It's too hard always being "not enough".
He got annoyed at me about something trivial yesterday. It was only because he had other things on his mind (just found out his grandfather is sick), but of course I can't help seeing his getting upset as my fault. If I was a better girlfriend I would be able to tell how he was feeling and know what to do to avoid annoying him.
Then there are all the shoulds with my family. I should stay here and not let him come over. I should clean my house, make sure my sister goes to school, help with my grandfather, or even go get a job and make some money so I can stop being dependent on my parents financially. I should exercise so I can stop looking like such a fat cow. I should be vegan so the I won't keep feeling worse because I fill my body with garbage just because I'm too lazy to fight with my addiction to sugar.
It's been really frustrating living here lately, being treated like I'm still 16 because I've been too sick to finish school or work. I hate that as long as I am sick I will be treated like a helpless child who is incapable of making her own choices.
Then again, maybe I am too immature to make my own choices, since nothing I do ever seems good enough.
I'm not a good enough girlfriend.
I'm not a good enough daughter.
I'm not a good enough friend.
I'm not a good enough lover.
I'm not a good enough sister.
I wish I was a snail on the sidewalk. A passerby could easily crush me without notice. My death could be quick and simple and cause them no guilt. I want it all to be over without causing pain to anyone else. It's too hard always being "not enough".
May 17, 2008
May 16, 2008
Drugs
I went to an appointment at CAMH this week. I'm going to start going for CBT there, and hopefully it will make a difference. I've been reading bits of a book on "understanding women with ADHD" and how therapy has to be structured a certain way to help with depression and ADHD. Hopefully the person I start seeing will have some understanding of what will help me... if anything will help.
At the appointment they asked if I was willing to go back on antidepressants. I had no idea what to say. I have said before that at times they did "something" but taking medication every day... it's just hard. And when it's that kind of medication, the kind that no one really wants to be on no matter how helpful it is and if you can't even tell if it is working half the time, it's even harder.
I have to go back in 2 weeks and let them know.
At the appointment they asked if I was willing to go back on antidepressants. I had no idea what to say. I have said before that at times they did "something" but taking medication every day... it's just hard. And when it's that kind of medication, the kind that no one really wants to be on no matter how helpful it is and if you can't even tell if it is working half the time, it's even harder.
I have to go back in 2 weeks and let them know.
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