I can't seem to focus my thoughts well enough to write articulately, but I will try to get something down anyway.

Parents are fighting a lot about the house being a mess. I feel responsible and guilty for not doing more, but I've been so depressed that it's hard to do anything. My room is filled with piles of clutter and covered in dust which is probably making me feel even worse since I'm allergic to dust mites, but doing anything about it just feels so hard.

J was over today. It is so stressful having him here when my parents are around. They act like they don't like him or try to pretend he just isn't there. They don't speak to him and every time I say he is coming over they look annoyed, probably because they think it means I will be less productive while he's around. What doesn't occur to them is that if I didn't see him I'd likely feel a lot worse.

Whenever my dad sees he is here, just sitting and watching tv with me, he assumes I must be "feeling better". Today I was actually only sitting there because I felt too awful to move, even to go for a walk. J was out of the room for a minute and my dad says, "you could at least help your mom plant some flowers."

First, my mom was watching tv and didn't seem like she was planning to plant flowers.
Second, "you could at least" - which implies that I am doing nothing, and that is not okay. I should be doing more. It's not okay that I lay around being depressed. I need to just stop, get up and do something. If I'm well enough to see J, I'm well enough to be doing more.

I felt so overwhelmed and guilty that I couldn't do anything but cry for half an hour. I could have just told him I really didn't feel well, and wasn't up to doing anything, but when he says little things like that and I can tell he thinks I am just being lazy, it makes me so sad that I can't even express myself to him. I can't handle disappointing them. It makes me feel so worthless.

Then I felt like I should have just told J to leave, so that I could just go back to bed, but then I'd feel guilty about not spending time with him. So I get to choose to either disappoint him or my parents. Lots of fun.

Being sick means I can choose either to have my parents be patient and understanding of the fact that I am depressed OR to see my nice, understanding boyfriend, but I can't have both.

This whole post seems so stupid and childish. My problems aren't "real" problems. I should be thankful I am alive and physically healthy and have a safe place to live. I should be happy that my parents are still willing to take care of me and I don't need to be living on social assistance.

I'm just so sad and it sucks that being around the one person who I love more than anything means annoying my parents which in turn makes me feel guilty and sad. At times it feels like it's almost not worth seeing him, because I just end up feeling worse when I see their reaction.