Enough

I'm overwhelmed with guilt. I feel like I should be doing so much more for those around me. I can't even decide what I would like, what I want, because my head is filled with all these ideas what I should do and be.

He got annoyed at me about something trivial yesterday. It was only because he had other things on his mind (just found out his grandfather is sick), but of course I can't help seeing his getting upset as my fault. If I was a better girlfriend I would be able to tell how he was feeling and know what to do to avoid annoying him.

Then there are all the shoulds with my family. I should stay here and not let him come over. I should clean my house, make sure my sister goes to school, help with my grandfather, or even go get a job and make some money so I can stop being dependent on my parents financially. I should exercise so I can stop looking like such a fat cow. I should be vegan so the I won't keep feeling worse because I fill my body with garbage just because I'm too lazy to fight with my addiction to sugar.

It's been really frustrating living here lately, being treated like I'm still 16 because I've been too sick to finish school or work. I hate that as long as I am sick I will be treated like a helpless child who is incapable of making her own choices.

Then again, maybe I am too immature to make my own choices, since nothing I do ever seems good enough.

I'm not a good enough girlfriend.
I'm not a good enough daughter.
I'm not a good enough friend.
I'm not a good enough lover.
I'm not a good enough sister.

I wish I was a snail on the sidewalk. A passerby could easily crush me without notice. My death could be quick and simple and cause them no guilt. I want it all to be over without causing pain to anyone else. It's too hard always being "not enough".