I'm lonely. I'm bored. I feel overwhelmed by life. It's all too much. The waking up and the eating and bathing and speaking and listening and seeing. I want to close my eyes and have it all vanish. I want happiness. I want freedom. I want to feel able to reach all the impossible dreams that I try to pretend I've given up on.

I regret it all. I wish I could change everything I've ever done. Everything is a horrible mistake. I didn't try hard enough. I still don't. I'm just so tired and it all feels so hard. And it doesn't feel like it will ever stop being nothing but hard and frustrating. I don't want to be sad and angry all the time. Maybe I'm just not cut out for living.

I should have been working. I have no money to buy christmas presents. I don't care much about having things for myself, but being able to make others happy means so much to me. I want them to smile. Maybe I think I am nothing if I can't give them something. I feel like nothing.

I am just so sad. It goes away for an hour here or there, but it always comes back. I'm so overwhelmed it is difficult to even form sentences.

The only thing that keeps me alive is fear of pain and guilt from knowing I would hurt others by ending my life.

Occasionally there is a glimmer of hope. Maybe I can finish this assignment, maybe I can pass the test, maybe I can finish this course. But one course a year, I'd finish university in 15. And if I can't handle more than one course at a time, who knows that I could even handle teacher's college - never mind actually teaching.

If I can't teach my life will seem pointless. It is the only thing that makes me happy, no matter how depressed I am. I love it. Maybe I'll never have kids because I won't have the money to take care of them, maybe I'll never lose all this weight and will cringe every time I look in the mirror for the rest of my life, maybe I'll always be disappointed that my relationship isn't like the magical-perfect-fairytale version I had in my head, that it can't make everything feel ok. But if I could teach, maybe all that wouldn't matter because I would be doing something I was passionate about. But without that, I don't know what is going to get me through the days and years. I wonder if I will never feel really motivated to pursue anything and will just continue to spend as much time as possible alone in bed. I will continue to leech on my father, depending on him to take care of me until he can't. And when he can't, maybe I will feel helpless enough that I'll actually have the strength to end it all.

I'm not really living, I'm just killing time.

"everyone goes through this"

She says I just need to change the way I am looking at things. Stop eating so much sugar (I'm completely addicted). Start taking better care of my body and then things will start to look better. Everyone goes through a time in their life where things are hard and not the way they expected or wanted. People go to jail for years, people get cancer and are sick for years. This doesn't mean I can't one day be happy.

Never mind that most people would look at me and think that this is all my fault. I've wasted all my good opportunities, to make something of myself. I didn't have to work and pay for school myself. But soon my father will retire and won't be able to support me the way he has been. I've wasted all this time. It is a big deal that I'm no where near being able to move out. I can't even stand the idea of speaking to people. I feel inferior to everyone I know.

No, I just need to stop comparing myself to my cousins, all finished their degree, most pursuing grad school. I shouldn't compare myself to all the people I went to high school with who are getting married and starting their careers and writing about their amazing experiences teaching in Korea and partying with all their friends and enjoying their lives. It doesn't matter that I got better marks than them, that I was expected to do so much more. I shouldn't think about how pathetic I am compared to them now.

No, I need to compare myself to the people who have been laying in hospital beds and in jail cells. Compared to them I am doing just fine. And for this I should be grateful.

Thanks mom, I feel much better now.

I wish I did have cancer. At least I'd have an "acceptable" excuse to give people. Instead my father tells people he works with that I'm considering teachers college. He acts as if nothing is wrong. He can't tell anyone the truth. It's too embarrassing. I'm an embarrassment.

The only person who was able to motivate me to do anything when I felt this hopeless did so by talking down to me and telling me to stop being stupid. Is that what I need? Maybe he was right. I'm not depressed, my parents just spoiled me so now I cry and run away whenever things get difficult. I am not brave. I am not motivated. I am a pathetic child hiding in the corner crying, waiting for mommy and daddy to say they will take care of it; that I can go to sleep and when I wake up everything will be ok.

Knowing why doesn't help

"Depression is one of the worst forms of suffering because of the immense feelings of shame, worthlessness, hopelessness and demoralization. Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem. Many depressed patients… yearned for death and prayed every night that they would get cancer, so they could die in dignity without having to commit suicide." (Dr. Burns, "Feeling Good")

Today it doesn't even feel like depression. It feels like just knowing what a worthless human being I am. It is my fault. I'm spoiled and selfish. If I wasn't then I would be happy, I would be thankful for everything I have. But I'm not thankful. I don't care. It's not enough for me. I want more, or I want none of it. And I don't want to have to try hard. If my tiniest efforts aren't enough than forget it. I will lay here until someone forces me to move. Then I will whine and scream like a spoiled, selfish baby and refuse to understand why I need to work in any shape or form. If it won't make me happy, there is no point and I just refuse. I don't care about anyone else anymore. My mother yells, asks what I am doing with myself, am I quitting school. I tell her I don't know and she says I better figure it out. But I don't feel like I should have to. I only wonder to myself whether I could make myself stab her, but decide it wouldn't matter because that wouldn't make my life any easier, and that is the only thing I am concerned about. I want to sleep as much as possible. I want to move and think and breath as little as possible. I keep getting angry at my body for being unable to sleep for longer. I kept waking up every hour last night (this morning). Why am I writing this? I don't want to talk to anyone. Or, I want to get all this stuff out, but not have to deal with listening to a response. I don't want to answer questions, I don't want to discuss things. The only thing I want is for someone to show me how to escape.

I wish I'd known when I was 19 that it really wasn't going to get any better. Maybe I would have had the guts to do it then.

kill me

i give up

Sometimes I say to myself, I don't have ADD, I just need to try harder. I'm just being lazy, I've just gotten myself into a bad routine. Then I read stuff like this:

ADHD in Girls
It is often very easy to spot the student with a strong hyperactive component in the classroom, however spotting the quiet, undemanding, student who spends much of their time daydreaming is more of a challenge. Often, this the way that girls present in an academic setting. We do know that the inattentive sub-type is more difficult to diagnose and this is the sub-type most frequently found in females, although not exclusively. This sub-type often presents with anxiety and depression. Frequently girls are not diagnosed until adulthood when they present with these comorbidities and may even end up in the hospital after a suicide attempt. If she is lucky she will see a professional at that time who recognizes the symptoms of adult female ADHD. Unfortunately more often, she will be treated for depression and her underlying ADHD will go undiagnosed. Girls that resemble boys in their ADHD manifestation are more likely to be diagnosed and the females who do end up in the doctors office are usually the ones with more severe hyperactive symptoms. Girls who have a high level of intelligence are even less likely to be diagnosed because they are able to compensate especially if they have obsessional tendencies. Boys symptoms of hyperactivity decrease in adolescence, but girls symptoms of mood swings, anxiety and depression often increase.

Some of the Ways Girls May Present in the Classroom:

Inattentive Sub-type
* Daydreamers
* Not willing to take risks and easily discouraged
* Shy
* Easily overwhelmed
* May be under active
* Self blaming
* Anxious and depressed
* Anxiety around school performance

Hyperactive/Impulsive sub-type or combined
* Hyperactivity may be expressed in being over talkative
* Fidgety
* Bossy
* Risk taking
* Unable to keep up with work load

Other traits:
* Problems with times of transitions
* Immature
* Unable to read other's cues
* May not have friends
* Difficulty fitting in
(From: Centre for ADD/ADHD Advocacy, Canada)

I have ADHD. And I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.

I'm attempting this first year math course, yet again. If I can get through it, then maybe all this time hasn't been a waste. Maybe I can slowly, eventually, get my degree. Maybe I can go to teacher's college and become a math teacher, as I've always wanted. If I don't get through this course I have to give up on that dream and figure out what else to do with myself that will make it seem bearable to be alive.

I want to see him. He was off Friday (yesterday) and again today, which is rare since he normally works on the weekend. But all I can do is sit here worrying that I'm not doing enough to make sure I will get through this course.

I did my first assignment, which is good, but I didn't do enough practice questions from the section, so I'll have to go back to study before my first quiz. I keep forgetting to email my accessibility services contact to find out if they provide accommodations for quizzes. I'm pretty sure they don't, but if for some reason I'm wrong and I should be entitled to writing my quiz in a room by myself, with the distractions of other students around me, it would be nice to have.

He doesn't want to come here and I don't blame him. It is far and my family hasn't been nice to him for most of the time I have known him.

I know if I don't see him today I probably won't see him at this weekend, which ends with my birthday on Monday. He is working the next two days. He is working on my birthday. He didn't bother taking it off because originally my family had been talking about going out for dinner or something tonight instead of Monday, but I told my parents I didn't want to do anything that required us doing it on the weekend, so they made other plans. Their plans didn't end up working out but my grandfather is sick so my dad is just spending the night with him, as usual. Anyway, he didn't take the day off and now it is too late. So I won't see him on my birthday. I guess we should be celebrating today. But I don't want to move; I'm too worried about school and everything I should be doing instead of going out. Going out doesn't feel like it would be fun, so why should I?

I want to write more, because I'm sure these posts usually don't contain enough pertinent information to really explain how I'm feeling. But I'm too tired. It's my birthday and I'll stay home and cry if I want to...

No mentally ill person with enough sense to understand that they have a disease which has drastically effected their life and severely limited their ability to accomplish almost anything wants to celebrate the number of years that have passed in which they have failed at so many things they cared about. I'd rather lay in my own filth, waiting anxiously for death.

I'm feeling less depressed today but the ADD is unbelievable. I feel excited about school but I'm doing that crazy "oh my god I want to take all these classes and go to places and buy things and learn to do a million things all at once" thing.

I'm thinking about sticking with my plan of only enrolling in this one pretty difficult math course and focusing on it, but especially in the first couple weeks I think I might sit in on a bunch of classes and if I find one particularly interesting maybe I will try to go consistently and actually follow along with the work as much as possible just to give myself an idea of what workload I'm capable of handling.

A few days ago I was laying around and thinking there is really no point. I'm turning 25 and I'm a first year student who is not capable of going full time. Does it really make sense to pursue a degree that might take me 7 or 8 years to complete? And what if after all that, I can't get into teacher's college? Should I be going to college instead so that I can actually be working full time by the time I turn 30? And if I'm not working full time before I'm 30, how do I expect to be financially secure enough that I could take time off to have kids? And even if I presume that J would be the father of these hypothetical offspring, I can't presume that he would be making enough money that could just not work.

The idea of earning enough to live off is mind boggling for me. I've always lived at home, had everything I needed. J sometimes just doesn't eat much all day because he doesn't have the cash. I can't imagine not being able to afford food. I understand the importance of not spending excessively. I couldn't care much less fashion or makeup. Kiehls and Burberry were foreign names until last year when J enlightened me. I laugh at the idea of spending more than $20 on a bottle of perfume (which would last me about 20 years if the scent didn't fade). But I can't imagine not being able to afford a tea from Tim Hortons whenever I felt like it or having to carefully budget how much money I spent on fruits and vegetables. And really, I have no idea what kind of full time work I'm capable of doing, so I have no idea how tight my budget will be.

Maybe that's why I keep trying to go to school and live at home instead of opting to work and really trying to move out. I'm terrified. My family drives me crazy, but I know that I am safe here.

It's 3am and I don't even remember what I came on here to write about. Oh yes, I have ADD. My post unraveled the same way so many things in my life unravel. I'm filled with dreams of marvel and beauty but I never seem to get anywhere closer to reaching them. I don't know how to walk through life steadily. I want to run, and if I can't run I figure there isn't much point in moving at all. I'm about to start sprinting again in September... I wonder if I'll be able to get far without collapsing.

I need to learn to slow down my pace without seeing coping out and giving up on my dreams. I need to learn to take baby steps, have patience in myself and stop expecting that I should be capable of achieving everything in one great leap. One course is manageable. This summer math course was great. It made me remember how much I actually love math when I'm working at the right level. Slow and steady, maybe I'll get there. All I can do is hope and try.

My class was going ok. I don't know remember how exactly it happened but everything just fell apart. I'm still too dizzy and overwhelmed to write with any structure so I'll retype some of the lovely, optimistic text messages I've been sending him.

I hate myself for wanting things I'm not capable of getting, and for being incapable of getting the things I want.

My head always goes back to, it's too late, I should give up. Nothing I do for the rest of my life matters. I just need to wait until I can die.

I don't want it to slowly, eventually, one day get better. I just want it all to be over.

I feel like I'm literally falling apart and I need something to hold me together or I'll crumble and collapse.

I'm a complete failure. All I do is sit around wasting time. I don't actually help anyone.

We should just give up. We won't be ok. We won't make each other happy.

I feel so alone. I will never be ok. There is no point pretending it will get better.

I want to cut myself open and bleed all over the carpet.

It's too late to do anything with my life. I'm ready to die.

I hate myself so much.

It's never going to stop hurting.

I'm so ashamed I can't stand it. I'd rather die than live as a failure.

I don't like leaving bed. It is the only place I feel safe, even when all night I keep having nightmares.

P.S. Jennie... I'm sorry I failed you too. I should have called, regardless of how I was feeling. I'm not a very good friend.

Shifting

A week ago I was laying in bed feeling like I needed to die. I felt worse than I have in years. Everything seemed pointless or terribly painful. I was certain that I am a failure, that I will never be able to do anything adequately, that I will never have a life that I feel is worth living.

I scratched my arm with a pair of scissors. Not to the point of bleeding, just to the point that it hurt. I've never done that before. When I've felt like I desperately needed to do something physical to myself in the past, I've cut my hair, but never even very drastically. But I wanted physical pain to distract from the emotional pain. I wanted a visible sign of how awful the feelings were. Maybe I wanted to be able to show someone: It hurts this much.

But as I've been healing physical, it seems I've been healing emotionally. Maybe the medication is starting to work. Maybe the cbt (which has seemed pointless at times) is helping a little. Maybe it is because for the last 5 days I have been able to spend most of the day with J, and was even able to stay over night 3 nights since his family was away.

I feel more in love than I ever have before. We both get very depressed and anxious at times. But when we are together it is easier. We understand, we are supportive. Right now we just can't be together all the time since we can't afford to move out, and being at either of our parents' places is uncomfortable. So we just need to keep trying to feel better and slowly do more.

I've missed my period for 2 months (not at all uncommon for me) but just in case I took a pregnancy test. It was negative, but what was really funny and nice was that both of us agreed that while the timing would be terrible and we would freak out and be scared and worried about things financially, we are not against the idea of having a baby together, so we couldn't see that as being something so awful. I love this man with all my heart, and I want to spend my life with him. It's very comforting to have one thing in my life that feels so good.

Jealousy

When I think about the accomplishments and talents of others I feel sad. I don't wish them any harm, and feel happy that they were able to succeed. But I feel jealous and inferior for not being as good as them.

It doesn't matter if they have achieved something I would never even attempt and therefore don't have much interest in. I wish I was good at everything. I am jealous of artistic talent because I have none. I am jealous of those who can describe important historic events in detail because I've never been able to retain those kind of details. I am jealous of those who are popular because I've never had many friends. I am jealous of people who are athletic because I am clumsy and out of shape.

Then there are the things that really matter to me; being an intelligent and productive student; being a loving friend, girlfriend, daughter and sister. I am disappointed constantly when I compare my behaviour to that of others. I am jealous of those who have finished university, have worked consistently. I hate myself for not keeping in touch with friends, not being able to do more to help my family, not being around at all times when my boyfriend is sad.

I wasted a lot of time tonight analyzing how I've spent my time over the past couple weeks. I never seem to get much done, but I have no idea what category to cut down on. I want to do more of everything. There just doesn't seem to be enough time. I want to be better at everything. I hate myself for not being able to do everything all the time. I feel guilty for not being perfect. I am jealous of those who seem to be more perfect than me. Why is it that ignore the faults of others when I compare myself to them? Maybe I've already decided I'm inferior, so I need to ignore certain details so I can continue to hold onto that belief. But the belief is so strong, that I can't accept that it is distorted.

His ex was awful. She was cruel, hurtful, selfish. But she acted nice and so everyone liked her. She was brilliant. She completed two degrees and was offered the chance to do a phd without having finished her masters. He liked her enough that he decided he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. It doesn't matter that she was a crazy bitch, I still believe she's better than me. It doesn't matter that she is 8 years older. I hate myself for not having accomplished the same things. I tell myself that it doesn't matter that I am kind and loving and supportive, because I haven't done well enough in school compared to her. How ridiculous is that?

His mother takes photos while walking around the city and posts them online. Occasionally I will look at her flickr page. But often when I do I feel disappointed that I would never be able to take pictures as well as she does. I have no sense of how to frame a shot. I have no idea what images would look better in black and white. It makes me feel boring and wish that I was capable of some kind of creative expression that would make others ohh and ahhh the way hers sometimes do. I am jealous that I don't have a hobby that I enjoy as much as she enjoys photography.

And I'm terrified of being around others because I assume they will judge me just as harshly as I judge myself. But even as I write this, I don't believe I judge myself harshly. I believe I should be perfect. I believe all my failures are due to laziness, selfishness and lack of motivation. I believe I just don't try hard enough. I hate myself for not being able to simply ignore this depression and move on.

Fear

I am afraid that it will never get better. I am afraid I will never be able to do all the things I dream of. I am afraid that I will never feel strong enough to even do simple things like go to work five days a week. There have been few, brief periods of my life that I was able to work or go to school consistently. I am afraid that I will never be able to take care of myself financially. Or I will manage to work, but will not be able to finish the schooling to get a job I will actually enjoy. I am afraid I will end up angry and bitter. I have been spoiled. I don't know how I will adjust to having to support myself. I am afraid that for some unknown reason, things won't work out with him. I worry we will change, we will fight, that I won't be good enough, that he will be like everyone else and just get frustrated and angry with me.

I'm afraid I will never truly be happy. It scares me so much, that I crawl into bed and hide under the covers and can only find comfort in pretending that nothing is real, I am not here, it is all a dream and soon I will wake up to my real, perfect existence.

All is calm...

and then it starts over again.

The walls creep together, so slowly at first that I barely notice, and then suddenly I am trapped. The black ooze drips down. It piles up and rises to my chin. I try to move, but it hardens around my legs.

I've been through this before. A faint light shines above, but there is no point struggling to reach it. I will not win. So I let myself sink. The familiarity of drowning is almost comfortable. I let the black cover my face. I let myself disappear into the darkness.

Appointment #2

I don't particularly like my therapist but I think she will be good for me.

She doesn't seem very kind and doesn't express a great deal of empathy. She sticks to the task at hand, asks me for few, specific details about my feelings in certain situations and goes on to show me what cbt techniques to use for following week. At first I thought that her unemotional, professional manner would bother me and make seeing her pointless. But it might be exactly what I need.

At times I miss my old psychiatrist. I miss having someone to blabber on and on to about how I am feeling, what is upsetting and frustrating me and how people don't understand. I miss having my thoughts and feelings validated.

But I don't need a shoulder to cry on, someone to sit and passively listening to my sorrows. I need to someone to help me feel better. And she just might. Even if she is only really supervising me while I use Mind Over Mood as a tool to help myself, maybe all I really need is a "coach" to keep me motivated and reassure me that doing this therapy is important.

And if it doesn't help, I will find someone else to talk to.

Age-activated ADD

My mom received this email forward. I guess I'm just like a typical 50-60 year old homemaker.

AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.


My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Coffee aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coffee is getting cold,
And I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coffee on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.


So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

Positive Thinking

For the moment, I am actually happy.

Not the silly, immature happy of the 13-year-old me (A boy likes me, now I can be happy!) and not the happy that is based on a random accomplishment (oh look, I got an A, that must mean I'm a good person). I like myself. I love myself. I believe that things will be okay.

I am giving myself credit for all the little things I did yesterday which I usually ignore. I did 3 loads of laundry. I reviewed math and then tutored. I made a healthy dinner for everyone. I vacuumed my room, something I've wanted to do all week. I printed my sister's project at Staples and then walked back home. I took Toby for a walk. I washed and ate raspberries. I ate a piece of cake, but I took time to really enjoy it instead of stuffing my face without thinking.

Seeing myself be productive helps with my mood. Sometimes this makes me think that working would help, as long as it wasn't something as complicated as the bank. But really, I want to teach math. So in July I will take a course that is a review of high school math and help Jaclyn get through summer school. Then in September I will take first year math. If I can't get through it, then that will be okay. I can teach something different or I can think about being a guidance counsellor or therapist. I just need to see what I am capable of and find something I can do which I will also enjoy.

I have struggled. I have tripped and fallen. I have felt like I couldn't move, sitting in the bottom of a giant hole. But I can get back up. I am strong enough. I am a good person. I am smart and loving and motivated. I can create a life for myself. I can be happy.

Learning with ADHD

Partially because I've felt obligated and partially because I needed some kind of income, I have been tutoring a grade 9 student for the last couple months.

You would expect this to be relatively easy given for me that it is only grade 9 and I took all advanced high school math courses and even got 1/3 of the way through first year calculus with a 70. But it's been 3 years since I last attempted that calculus course, and 5 years since I successfully completely OAC math. AND the kid has ADHD. So it's been pretty stressful at times.

Also, in order to appear competent enough that be viewed as a respectable tutor, I have had to lie and say I am in school now even though I'm not. I've had to have so many conversations about what university in general is like and what my classes I am taking that at times I almost believe I've been in school this year, when I haven't!

Every time I have to go over there, I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I think he'll ask me a question and I won't be able to explain it. I think his mom will blame me for the fact that he's still failing. I think they will somehow find out that I am a fraud.

But almost every time I leave, I feel better. Sometimes we don't get as much done as we probably should, because he constantly starts talking about things that happened at school and asking what university is like and have I ever done any drugs and do I believe in God. (He's very talkative and curious about everything.) But I would rather be someone he feels comfortable talking to, who makes studying a bit less stressful, than a strict teacher who refuses to let him talk until his work is done. And I know that I am helping him. Some of the stuff is different curriculum than I took and I need to teach myself a little in order to help him, but the majority of the time I can just explain it to him and create practice questions on the spot.

The only thing that sucks is that he really has a hard time with it, so he is still not doing very well. I know that he gets it when we do questions together, but on tests he freezes up and becomes unsure about where to start and just guesses at the answer. I need to keep reminding myself that when he just can't get something, it is because he needs more time and needs to learn at a slower pace. Even if he fails the course, it doesn't mean that I am a failure.

At the same time, working with someone who really has a lot of trouble with the material has been a good challenge for me. It has made me think a lot more about different ways to explain the material. Hopefully it has taught me something about how to be a good teacher.

I hate myself

I'm fat
I'm ugly
I'm lazy
I'm messy
I'm unmotivated
I'm stupid
I'm selfish
I'm pathetic

Do what I say...

My sister won't get out of bed to go to school. It's just like with me. She has no normal schedule, she has no idea how to get anything done in a reasonable amount of time. She stays up late chatting and trying to finish homework she didn't get around to earlier and then is exhausted and unable to get up in the morning.

My mother has something to do this morning so she's up before 9 (which doesn't happen often). She just keeps yelling at her, "what the fuck is wrong with you," and complaining about the fact that my sister doesn't eat better, sleep at normal times, manage her time better - all things my mother doesn't do herself.

I want to walk into her room at 9 am tomorrow, when she'd dead tired still (from staying up till 1 am watching tv or doing dishes she didn't get around to earlier), and scream at her, "the house is a revolting disaster and is driving you and your husband (who is working as always to support you and all your kids) crazy, and you're still in bed - what the fuck is wrong with you??"


P.S. please forgive me for being so indecisive about whether or not I should keep this public :S

Mood

This week (starting last friday) for CBT I've been filling in a Worksheet to track my mood, specifically the severity of my "Depression" every hour of the day. 100 means totally depressed, 0 means happy. It's been a little annoying trying to keep track of it and sometimes I find it difficult to describe my mood with just a number, but it's been okay and sometimes pretty interesting to pay that much attention to how my mood shifts all day long.

Today I had my first 10. As I was leaving he said, "thank you... it's been a really nice weekend." It was Doors Open so we went to a bunch of touristy places around the city and just walked around. It was nice to walk around with a sense of direction instead of our usual wandering and having to figure out which direction to go next, although even that is really nice most of the time (until my legs feel like they are going to fall off :P).

It's funny how much knowing he was happy improved my mood. I was already feeling better since I'd been out with him instead of laying around at home doing nothing, but when he actually said something about it I couldn't help but smile. It makes me happy when I see him happy.

When it's just the two of us and we're not focusing on all the things we are struggling with it's just really nice. And even when we are talking about the things that are hard, we both get each other enough that talking about it with each other helps. I wish I could put the comfort of feeling truly understood into words.

:(

My parents will always worry about everything. They will always think that the fact that he was married, borrowed money from me and is unable to work (even if it's temporary) mean that he's not the ideal person for me.

He cares what they think. We both do. But he will eventually get so frustrated with the uncomfortable way they act around him and decide to be completely indifferent to them.

How do I handle being close to them (and living with them) and being with him at the same time?

It hurts

Dad says,

So he's not working at all?
So why doesn't he just try to find something else?
Can't he at least get a low stress job?
So he's just going to live off his parents?
It's not like he's a kid anymore.
It just doesn't seem fair to you.
You shouldn't have to deal with his stuff on top of your own.
I don't know what you'll do if neither of you can work.
I hope you're saving some of your money (from tutoring).
I hope you're not trying to support two people.

I hate the situation. It is awful and painful and sucks.
But what does he expect me to do? Never see him because of money issues? Stop being with him because we're both sick and therefore should be denied the opportunity to have a loving, supportive realtionship?

Now I feel like I can't breathe.

P.S. my therapist at CAMH is some student and will likely treat me as a textbook case, in a straightforward manner with little emotion. Perfect.

Appointment #1

I have my first appointment in 2 and a half hours.
I don't want to go.

I'm scared it will be pointless. I'm scared I won't like the counselor. I don't know what I will say. I don't know if anything will help. Part of me has already given up so much that it seems silly to go.

Last week I saw the Dr who would prescribe me medication if I decide to take it. I said that sometimes I feel like there is no point in trying, so I would be less likely to take medication because I don't believe there is a point in doing anything. She said I need to make the decision to let them help me. If they said that to me today, I'd probably say, "forget it, I don't want help" and walk out.

I don't know what I want. I'm just sick of feeling like this.

Money

I've been snapping at him for no reason. Feeling more frustrated than usual with the fact that I can't see him without having to spend money.

I know he is in debt and it sucks and I don't want him to feel more stressed than he already is. But it shouldn't be my responsibility. We're both living at home, we're both basically not working. I tutor once a week and spend every penny on eating out with him and tickets. It's frustrating.

He should be asking his parents for money. But obviously he doesn't want to because then they will be even more annoyed with him for not working. And it's true that they don't budget for having to give him money for things like going out. He's worked since he was 16, they haven't had to give him money in 10 years. But he's their kid and went through a lot of stuff and doesn't feel like he can work.

I can't even go over there because it's still awkward for him. So if I want to see him, then I just have to pay.

I really do love him.

He makes me laugh.
He makes me smile.
He makes me want to get better.

It's just so hard.

I can't seem to focus my thoughts well enough to write articulately, but I will try to get something down anyway.

Parents are fighting a lot about the house being a mess. I feel responsible and guilty for not doing more, but I've been so depressed that it's hard to do anything. My room is filled with piles of clutter and covered in dust which is probably making me feel even worse since I'm allergic to dust mites, but doing anything about it just feels so hard.

J was over today. It is so stressful having him here when my parents are around. They act like they don't like him or try to pretend he just isn't there. They don't speak to him and every time I say he is coming over they look annoyed, probably because they think it means I will be less productive while he's around. What doesn't occur to them is that if I didn't see him I'd likely feel a lot worse.

Whenever my dad sees he is here, just sitting and watching tv with me, he assumes I must be "feeling better". Today I was actually only sitting there because I felt too awful to move, even to go for a walk. J was out of the room for a minute and my dad says, "you could at least help your mom plant some flowers."

First, my mom was watching tv and didn't seem like she was planning to plant flowers.
Second, "you could at least" - which implies that I am doing nothing, and that is not okay. I should be doing more. It's not okay that I lay around being depressed. I need to just stop, get up and do something. If I'm well enough to see J, I'm well enough to be doing more.

I felt so overwhelmed and guilty that I couldn't do anything but cry for half an hour. I could have just told him I really didn't feel well, and wasn't up to doing anything, but when he says little things like that and I can tell he thinks I am just being lazy, it makes me so sad that I can't even express myself to him. I can't handle disappointing them. It makes me feel so worthless.

Then I felt like I should have just told J to leave, so that I could just go back to bed, but then I'd feel guilty about not spending time with him. So I get to choose to either disappoint him or my parents. Lots of fun.

Being sick means I can choose either to have my parents be patient and understanding of the fact that I am depressed OR to see my nice, understanding boyfriend, but I can't have both.

This whole post seems so stupid and childish. My problems aren't "real" problems. I should be thankful I am alive and physically healthy and have a safe place to live. I should be happy that my parents are still willing to take care of me and I don't need to be living on social assistance.

I'm just so sad and it sucks that being around the one person who I love more than anything means annoying my parents which in turn makes me feel guilty and sad. At times it feels like it's almost not worth seeing him, because I just end up feeling worse when I see their reaction.

Love

I look at posts in my old blog, from when I first met him. The happiness I express seems so strange now. I know that I love him and don't want to be anyone else. But I don't feel the same enthusiasm and optimism.

I don't believe that I've ever actually been happy. I can recall writing those things and know that I did mean them at the time. But I'm so sad lately that it all seems foolish.

I used to think being in love would make things easier, that it would make life seem more worth living. Most of the time it just doesn't. Maybe I've started to take it for granted; having someone around who will likely always accept me, love me, understand me. It's just so hard to be happy with someone when you're not happy with yourself.

Enough

I'm overwhelmed with guilt. I feel like I should be doing so much more for those around me. I can't even decide what I would like, what I want, because my head is filled with all these ideas what I should do and be.

He got annoyed at me about something trivial yesterday. It was only because he had other things on his mind (just found out his grandfather is sick), but of course I can't help seeing his getting upset as my fault. If I was a better girlfriend I would be able to tell how he was feeling and know what to do to avoid annoying him.

Then there are all the shoulds with my family. I should stay here and not let him come over. I should clean my house, make sure my sister goes to school, help with my grandfather, or even go get a job and make some money so I can stop being dependent on my parents financially. I should exercise so I can stop looking like such a fat cow. I should be vegan so the I won't keep feeling worse because I fill my body with garbage just because I'm too lazy to fight with my addiction to sugar.

It's been really frustrating living here lately, being treated like I'm still 16 because I've been too sick to finish school or work. I hate that as long as I am sick I will be treated like a helpless child who is incapable of making her own choices.

Then again, maybe I am too immature to make my own choices, since nothing I do ever seems good enough.

I'm not a good enough girlfriend.
I'm not a good enough daughter.
I'm not a good enough friend.
I'm not a good enough lover.
I'm not a good enough sister.

I wish I was a snail on the sidewalk. A passerby could easily crush me without notice. My death could be quick and simple and cause them no guilt. I want it all to be over without causing pain to anyone else. It's too hard always being "not enough".

Sad

Sometimes I feel so sad I want to just sit down on the floor and cut off all my hair.

Drugs

I went to an appointment at CAMH this week. I'm going to start going for CBT there, and hopefully it will make a difference. I've been reading bits of a book on "understanding women with ADHD" and how therapy has to be structured a certain way to help with depression and ADHD. Hopefully the person I start seeing will have some understanding of what will help me... if anything will help.

At the appointment they asked if I was willing to go back on antidepressants. I had no idea what to say. I have said before that at times they did "something" but taking medication every day... it's just hard. And when it's that kind of medication, the kind that no one really wants to be on no matter how helpful it is and if you can't even tell if it is working half the time, it's even harder.

I have to go back in 2 weeks and let them know.

This is pointless

I am hoping that maybe I can start a thought record here to help me learn how to deal with my depression and recently diagnosed ADHD. But considering how little I get done on a daily basis and the fact that I have never been able to consistently keep a journal of any kind, it might not happen. Guess we'll see.

Hold Me

I want him to follow me just so I can tell him to go away. I could imagine it's because I want to know he cares, but I already know he does.

I want attention. I want to feel in control. Right now, I feel completely powerless. But it's not as if he is taking advantage of me; he never could. I just push myself to do what I think he wants, sometimes to the point of feeling lost and used. I try to make him take more than he should or would ever want to.

I want to be used. I want someone to take my life and combine it with theirs, so that I can't even tell myself apart. Maybe I think that would make me okay. Maybe I think that giving all of yourself proves you love someone.

I just feel so empty. I want to be filled up with him, even if it means losing myself in the process.

Empty

I feel like a shell of a human. I've spent most of the last 2 weeks in bed. At first because I was horribly sick. But then getting better felt worse because it meant I had to face getting out of bed. I'm scared of everything.

I wish everyone would disappear just I wouldn't have to deal with being around them or talking to them. I hate myself so much, I'm so ashamed. I can't stand the idea of being around people. Of having them look at me, talk to me, judge me. And even if they are not bad people, they will judge me because that is what people do.

And this disease, if you can call it that, has so much stigma attached that I know they will judge. Either they will think I'm lazy and selfish, or I'm a poor diseased person. Neither one feels okay. Would it really be better for them to know why I act this way - so they could feel sorry for me instead of just assuming I'm not trying hard enough?

I want understanding and I suppose part of that would be sympathy. But if I was them (on the outside; having never experienced it myself) I wouldn't just sympathize. I would pity. And I don't want to be pitied. That might be better than harsh criticism I suppose, but it wouldn't feel much better.

I want to die. I want everyone around me to die, so I don't need to worry about "leaving" them. I want to disappear but not feel guilty.

What do they want from me, I wonder. People I barely know would just rather not know about my problems. They do not want the discomfort, the awkwardness of having to figure out how to respond. I could satisfy them by simply not being around. Disappearing, but not in any obvious way that impacted their life. Just slowly fade away like an old memory.

With those who love me it is more complicated. They want me to be around, help them when they need it. They want me to be happy, or at least content. Happy enough that they don't need to worry about me. Safe, secure, again for the same reason. But what if I can't do that? What if I can never be okay?

Is it fair to them - is it really better to stay here and have my pain hurt them? Wouldn't it be better if I just went away? Then they could give up worrying about what will happen to me, how I will take care of myself. They would be sad, think it was a tragedy. But really they are not happy now. Maybe grief over a loved one lost would be better than never ending fear, disappointment, frustration that comes from watching someone you care about crawling through life, never really getting anywhere. Watching all my unrealized dreams vanish one after another. Watching me struggle, watching me fall. It is it really beneficial for them that I continue to live?